At lakingnews.com, we like to think outside the box. It’s no secret that the Kings have struggled in these blasted afternoon games so we broke out our trusty “Left Pant Leg, then Right: Hockey Gods, Curses & Superstitions” and, sure enough, on page 22, we found this.
“The mid day game curse generally affects warmer climate teams who have struggled for several past seasons with their overall play. Once the team starts winning again in evening games, the Hockey Gods use the mid day curse to remind them of their losing past by funneling in their mind images of beaches, bikinis, and mojitos. While the mid day game curse can be broken through a puck possession game that emphasizes front of the net presence and an aggressive power play, there are fan based remedies that have shown success. One is a three part sacrifice.”
Well, sounds interesting enough. What is the sacrifice you ask? Let’s keep reading.
“The sacrifice consists of a goat, a virgin and a vulgar human existence.”
Wow.
Well, the goat is easy I suppose. Just borrow one from a neighbor.
A virgin…boy…Surly Jacob will have to consult his pastor for that one. He is on his way.
A vulgar human existence…a vulgar…
human…
existence…
hmmm…..
almost there…
think hard!
Perfect! A little larger than I had hoped but it’ll do.
Ok boys, let’s begin.
“OH HOCKEY GODS! WE BRING YOU THREE SACRIFICES AS AN OFFERING TO YOUR GREATNESS! BREAK THIS MID DAY GAME CURSE UPON OUR LOS ANGELES KINGS!”
WE OFFER YOU THIS GOAT!
For our younger readers, we cannot show the slaughter of this poor innocent animal.
WE OFFER YOU THIS VIRGIN!
This is the best Surly could do on short notice.
WE OFFER YOU THESE EXTRA LARGE DUCK FANS!
…
Ah. Apparently, preparations are still being made. Trust us on this one, we’ll take care of it before 1pm.
Bow your heads.
Let us pray the Kopitarian prayer.
Our Kopitar, who art number eleven
Hallowed be thy game
Thy Kings we follow,
Thy game we support
At Staples, and arenas abroad
Give us this day, oh mighty center
And forgive us for our doubters
as we forgive those that doubt you
And lead us not into the cellar
but deliver us the Stanley Cup
For Thine is a King,
a forward, and a superstar
forever and ever, amen.
GO KINGS!
Hail Murray, full of line changes, your fans are with thee.
Blessed are thee amongst coaches, and blessed are the fruits of thy labor, wins.
Holy Murray, mother of Kings, pray for our victims, now and at the hour of their death, 1pm.
Amen!
That virgin is pretty hot…