10. The snow job. Right and left wing rush the net from their respective positions. Each comes to a hard stop and sprays ice (snow) on the goalie. Shot from the point while goaltender is temporarily blinded. Most effective on 1 and 2 man advantages.
9. Dress Ivanans in Kopitar’s jersey, and make similar changes with other players. Opposing teams won’t have a clue why the fourth line looks like an offensive force and the first line is checking. Chaos will result in goals. Caution: Do not try this with Simmonds.
8. Place shock collar around Brown’s neck. Each time he enters the offensive zone and is about to shoot from a bad angle, press button. After 3 to 5 games, watch the change in style and enjoy the results from more passes to open forwards.
7. Fit receiver in Frolov’s helmet. When he has the puck in any good shooting percentage areas, Murray (holding the mic) screams “SHOOT!” Alternative: scream in Russian.
6. Matt Greene bathes in garlic before every game…I realize this won’t increase the offense, but hopefully it will either keep him out of fights or will give him the edge in getting in a few punches at the outset.
5. No home cooking for Kopitar in games he doesn’t score goals.
4. Ivanans dresses up as an ice girl and shovels snow in the next game for every stupid penalty in the offensive zone…this is addition by subtraction…and Surly for some reason appears unusually excited about this.
3. For every face off he loses, Stoll spends one mandatory off season day in Edmonton.
2. Wide shot, tequila shot…can you imagine? Kopitar, Johnson and Brown would be SO fucked up by the third…
…and the number one way to increase the Kings’ offense…
1. Dress Williams in a Kevlar jersey, pants, socks and skates…essential long term benefits.