It was bound to happen eventually. The National Hockey League’s Board of Governors tonight unanimously approved a rule prohibiting “a lateral, back-pressure or blind-side hit to an opponent where the head is targeted and/or the principal point of contact.”  Per nhl.com, the timing and details of implementation are being worked on by the NHL’s Hockey Operations Department in conjunction with representatives of the National Hockey League Players’ Association.

We here at lakingsnews.com had submitted other proposed rule changes to the Board of Governors but unfortunately, they were rejected for the time being. The proposed rules, in their specific form, were as follows:

“All hits by Corey Perry shall be presumed punk ass wanton with intent to be a pussy. The presumption shall only be rebutted by clear and convincing evidence to the contrary. Each such hit will carry a 5 minute major penalty, an automatic 2 game suspension as well as a violent flogging.”

“All turnovers by Randy Jones that result directly or indirectly in a goal against the Los Angeles Kings shall be ruled a no goal. Said rule shall be limited to one application per game.”

“Hits executed by any star player against a non-star player that would otherwise be considered cause for suspension had said hit been executed by a non-star player shall not carry the same suspension for the star player.” The way we figured it, this rule is being applied anyway, so we might as well make it official.

“So long as the Phoenix Coyotes are operated by the National Hockey League and until a buyer is found and a deal is consummated with a new owner, all of their wins shall be considered forfeited and equally distributed to all other teams with the exception of the Anaheim Ducks, Detroit Red Wings and any team for which Chris Pronger plays for the remainder of his career.”

“The San Jose Sharks shall be deemed eliminated in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs so long as Joe Thornton is an active member of said franchise.”

“The Edmonton Oilers shall be credited one goal at the outset of each game, thereby starting each game with a 1-0 lead, but must defeat their opponent by a minimum of three goals to receive two points.” We called this rule “let’s fuck with the Oilers because we can” rule.

“The Los Angeles Kings and Philadelphia Flyers shall be forbidden to make any trades with each other and/or acquire any players, coaches or other personnel that has played or been affiliated with the other team within a 24 month period unless specifically approved by lakingsnews.com”

“All rules against contact with goaltenders shall be suspended as it relates to Marty Turco.”

“All goals by Sidney Crosby shall be sanctioned by the National Hockey League as the greatest goal ever scored.”

“All female celebrities that have engaged in sexual acts with an active National Hockey League player other than Sean Avery shall be deemed to have engaged in same, regardless of whether said act(s) have been consummated, with Sean Avery.” We called this the sloppy seconds rule.

“All decisions of Gary Bettman shall be considered against the best interests of the league.” We tried to keep this one simple to avoid loopholes.

Categories: L.A. Kings News

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