HOW TO DEAL WITH IDIOTS IN GREEN SPANDEX

Or as my father put it when he called me after the game, “those mucous colored mimes next to the penalty box.”

So what do you do if you are unfortunate enough to be seated next to these goofballs who take the term Canucklehead to a whole new level?

Well, instinct says go for the groin. However as I noticed when one of them was doing a handstand, they have a distinct lack of genital bulges which should be obvious to the eye in those tight costumes they wear. So, one must assume they are Eunuchs, which not only explains a lot, but makes a swift kick to the groin kind of pointless.

So, I devised a more dastardly and appropriate way to deal with these attention whores.

1. First, you need to get yourself a plastic spray bottle.

2. Then you need some bleach.

3. Fill spray bottle with bleach.

4. Sneak spray bottle into GM Place.

5. Throughout the game, while the mucous colored Eunuchs are dancing around, spray the bleach in their direction.

6. Repeat as often as possible.

7. Watch spandex harden and crack, while Eunuchs struggle to breath, ultimately being forced to strip down naked, revealing their Ken doll non-genital parts and in turn, their humility.

** Death is a definite potentiality, but hey, I’m sure these guys consider themselves a part of the Vancouver Canucks. This is the playoffs, this is war. In war, there are casualties.

It may take a few games for the bleach to work its destructive magic, but since this series is going 7 games anyways, there is plenty of time to rid the cameras of images of these men who match Randy Jones in terms of making me wonder why they showed up to a hockey game in the first place.



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4 replies

  1. I’m sure I’m not the only Canucks fan that you’d be able to talk into some kind of “we’ll kneecap Jones if you get rid of these green guys”. I know this is the playoffs and we’re supposed to be rivals, but some things are just an offense to hockey.

  2. Can those guys see the game (or anything else) through those green masks?

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