ALTERNATE USES FOR RANDY JONES
At lakingsnews.com, there is no offseason. Therefore, our Ways and Means Committee immediately went to work to put together alternate uses for Randy Jones in the event Lombardi is crazy enough to re-sign him. The following will pay dividends far beyond what he may contribute on the ice.
10. Ice Troll: He’s tall and lanky. Put him in a tight outfit, have him shovel up snow. After the game, drop him off in West Hollywood to hand out McFlurry coupons.
9. T-Shirt toss with a twist. He will toss our t-shirts to opposing team’s fans.
8. Purple Man: Dress him up in purple spandex, plant him next to the opposing team’s penalty box.
7. Practice Drills: During practice, he will execute his 11 standard turnovers in the defensive zone while the team finds how to execute and counter attack using each.
6. Terry Translator: Learn and translate for fans and players Terry’s various hyper paralysis based facial expressions.
5. Apple Turnover: Shoot him in the head and put an apple in his mouth.
4. Center Ice Pinada: Forget human bowling, hang him upside down from the scoreboard, blind fold the kids and have at it. Entertainment for everyone.
3. Bailey’s Discovery Jungle: Dress him up as a Zebra and have Bailey chase him around, tackle him and tear his flesh off. Educational and inspiring.
2. Jaywalk Jones: Demonstrate the dangers of jaywalking on 11th Street between Staples and the Nokia theater.
1. Suck Squared: Instead of only blowing Murray after each game, add a pre-game.