THE CHRIS PRONGER ADDENDUM TO THE NHL RULE BOOK
Surly and I have gone through great pains and at tremendous personal risk to ourselves to acquire, through questionable but courageous means, portions of the often rumored but never confirmed “Chris Pronger Addendum” to the National Hockey League Rule Book. As a show of great love for our readers and without regard to our own ongoing personal safety, we hereby reproduce excerpts we have recovered of this highly guarded and secret document.
NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE RULE BOOK
CHRIS PRONGER ADDENDUM
1.0 CROSS CHECKING
The action of using the shaft of the stick between the two hands to violently and repeatedly check an opponent. A minimum of four such consecutive checks must be administered without hesitation between each. Any pause longer than five-seconds between said four checks shall render the previous checks inapplicable to the count of ongoing checks.
A boarding penalty shall be imposed if Chris Pronger checks an opponent in such a manner that causes the opponent to be thrown violently in the boards, face first, followed by the remainder of his body. Each part of the opponent’s body must come into contact with the boards. Any alleged injury to the opponent shall be presumed embellished and shall not be considered when evaluating the violent nature of the throw. All pleas of innocence by Chris Pronger to such a potential call shall be presumed sincere.
Charging shall mean the action, as a result of distance traveled, of violently checking an opponent. Such distance must be a minimum of ten feet, with a scowl on Chris Pronger‘ face and the call of “charge” immediately preceding impact. Absent said “charge” call, the check shall be presumed harmless and good natured physical play. A charging penalty may be the result of a check into the boards, but under no circumstances into the goal frame or in open ice.
Roughing is a punching motion with the hand or fist, with or without the glove on the hand, directed at the head or face of an opponent. An opponent with a large head will be presumed to have assumed the risk of the punching motion. An opponent with a small head will be presumed to have deliberately placed his head in the direction of a punching motion not intended for him.
May 29, 2010 Amendment: Dustin Byfuglien shall be conclusively presumed to have deserved each such punching motion.
The action that retards the forward progress of an opposing player whether or not the opposing player is in possession of the puck. Said forward progress must be retarded to such an extent that the player begins to travel backward. All pucks within 5 feet of the boards shall be presumed to be that of Chris Pronger and therefore in his possession.
This rule does not apply to Chris Pronger.
Chris Pronger shall not place the stick, knee, foot, arm, hand and elbow in such a manner that causes his opponent to trip or fall. Each such body part and equipment must be used in unison to cause said trip or fall to apply.
Slashing, as it applies to Chris Pronger, is the act of swinging his stick at an opponent’s face with the intent to cause mayhem. Swings and contact to the arms and legs shall be presumed incidental contact absent a severed limb.
SUPPLEMENTAL PROVISIONS – OFF ICE CONDUCT
The act of sexual congress with a woman other than his wife within the town, city, province or state in which Chris Pronger’s team plays hockey shall not be considered cheating but rather a temporary exertion of greatness upon a female of less worth who should consider herself fortunate to be on the receiving end of such charity. The NHL recognizes that this rule may not be directly enforceable but nevertheless issues same as a strong advisory opinion. Should said alleged act cause any embarrassment to Chris Pronger, he shall be traded to an NHL team of his choice for a vastly inferior return and said acquiring team shall be awarded the Stanley Cup in the following season to atone for any harm that said self conscious discomposure may have caused.