I stayed up late tonight just to wish those of us who will not be saved (the infidels, atheists, deists, agnostics, and Todd Bertuzzi) a rile and rocking day of rapture. 3,000,000 of our kind have traveled to Heaven. They’re gone, never to be seen again. Those who haven’t, including you and me, will be tormented for the next 5 months until the End of Days, the latter being different than the Rapture. It’s a bit like 3 million people win the Cup while the rest of us suffer through an extended off season until we are all sent to New Jersey or Detroit.
What happens during this 5 month offseason? That depends. For Kings’ fans, we have to endure an endless cycle of the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals, game two, followed by videos of Rob Blake lifting the Stanley Cup. I don’t understand it either except to say that the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Meanwhile, the Boston Bruins are in serious trouble as Tim Thomas has most definitely been transported to the Pearly Gates. In a strange twist however, there is now one additional set of the Sedins on the Canucks. Even Osama Bin Laden, rumored to have been dead, found his way to Saint Peter. He was sent away when it was confirmed Jesus in fact had not called for a cab.
Greg Wyshynski continues to write for Puck Daddy but the content of his articles are limited to the glow puck. He is still permitted to be a New Jersey Devils’ fan because, well, there is eternal punishment inherent therein. Our own Helene Elliot is surprisingly with us but not because she hadn’t earned her right to Heaven. She decided to stay back because Phil Anschutz, Tim Leiweke and Dean Lombardi are still down here and she prefers eternal fire to having nothing to write about and, of course, being called Helen. Terry Murray was sent up but only temporarily. He was sent back on special assignment, his purpose solely to torment me while he persuades me of his system’s merits. Quisp of Jewels from the Crown will be reminding each of you that he predicted the Rapture and its consequences weeks ago as part of his “Real Apocalypse Standings”. Rich Hammond was told to take the rest of his salvation off. The Mayor is forced to chirp in perpetuity inside an empty Staples Center and, worse yet, from section 315. The boys at KingsCast were honored quite nicely by the Almighty. They get to record and do a 3 part episode of the Final Days…the catch is nobody will see it. I am not sure what happened to Surly. Last I heard he changed his name to Waldo and went into hiding.
As for the rest of you, I only hope we make the best of this time together. Though we all walk steadily toward damnation, know that we can find humor in every step.