I stayed up late tonight just to wish those of us who will not be saved (the infidels, atheists, deists, agnostics, and Todd Bertuzzi) a rile and rocking day of rapture. 3,000,000 of our kind have traveled to Heaven. They’re gone, never to be seen again. Those who haven’t, including you and me, will be tormented for the next 5 months until the End of Days, the latter being different than the Rapture. It’s a bit like 3 million people win the Cup while the rest of us suffer through an extended off season until we are all sent to New Jersey or Detroit.

What happens during this 5 month offseason? That depends. For Kings’ fans, we have to endure an endless cycle of the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals, game two, followed by videos of Rob Blake lifting the Stanley Cup. I don’t understand it either except to say that the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Meanwhile, the Boston Bruins are in serious trouble as Tim Thomas has most definitely been transported to the Pearly Gates. In a strange twist however, there is now one additional set of the Sedins on the Canucks. Even Osama Bin Laden, rumored to have been dead, found his way to Saint Peter. He was sent away when it was confirmed Jesus in fact had not called for a cab.

Greg Wyshynski continues to write for Puck Daddy but the content of his articles are limited to the glow puck. He is still permitted to be a New Jersey Devils’ fan because, well, there is eternal punishment inherent therein. Our own Helene Elliot is surprisingly with us but not because she hadn’t earned her right to Heaven. She decided to stay back because Phil Anschutz, Tim Leiweke and Dean Lombardi are still down here and she prefers eternal fire to having nothing to write about and, of course, being called Helen. Terry Murray was sent up but only temporarily. He was sent back on special assignment, his purpose solely to torment me while he persuades me of his system’s merits. Quisp of Jewels from the Crown will be reminding each of you that he predicted the Rapture and its consequences weeks ago as part of his “Real Apocalypse Standings”. Rich Hammond was told to take the rest of his salvation off. The Mayor is forced to chirp in perpetuity inside an empty Staples Center and, worse yet, from section 315. The boys at KingsCast were honored quite nicely by the Almighty. They get to record and do a 3 part episode of the Final Days…the catch is nobody will see it. I am not sure what happened to Surly. Last I heard he changed his name to Waldo and went into hiding.

As for the rest of you, I only hope we make the best of this time together. Though we all walk steadily toward damnation, know that we can find humor in every step.

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7 replies

  1. Did the rapture really come and go already? Was that pacific standard time or east coast? I’m still here because I refuse to go anywhere till I see the Kings win it all. If I have to forsake heaven and walk the earth for eternity like the dufus who stuck his spear in the side of Jesus while he hung on the cross, then so be it. Heaven isn’t heaven if you spend eternity there, and the Kings still haven’t won the cup.

  2. Funny Guy! Carpool has been talking about..so had to share your take..but of course then had to explain Bertuzzi and 3 million etc.
    Trying to convert one fan at a time.
    Happy Preakness Day
    GO KINGS GO!!!

  3. Apparently that pastor didn’t read his bible..[ Mathew 24:36 “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” ]

    As for hockey, this offseason seem’s like its going to go on forever and the stanley cup hasn’t even been won yet… You guys paying any attention to the playoffs now? I still haven’t been able to follow hockey since we were eliminated.

    • I still watch the games, but more out of the corner of my eye. It happens every year that I can enjoy the rest of the playoffs but Have to put the Kings out of my mind until the cup is won. Its too painful to think about the Kings while hockey is being played without them. Its a ritualistic cleansing.

    • I watch every game like it’s a Kings’ game. I can’t get enough of hockey, especially playoff hockey

      • I too love it, and can’t get enough. I know the players claim they don’t care much once it’s over, but I think those who don’t are making a big mistake. I hope the Kings are watching every single game, and the proverbial light bulb goes off in Murray’s head. The same light bulb that went off and sparked his puck management at all costs theory, also sparks a light bulb of puck possesion with solid defensive awareness theory. Maybe even a “I gotta fire Kompon before he gets me fired” light bulb.


  1. Caught up in the rapture? « hatmancando

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