As I arrived home and wondered if it was worth the time to sit and watch a repeat of the NHL awards, a question occurred to me: How much would I “want” if I was Drew Doughty? For this question, I assumed that Drew Doughty and his agent were one indistinguishable human being. If we were to separate the two, I would have to design a graph that shows the relationship between a hockey player’s mind v. that of his agent, there would be fairly complicated physiological, biological and other types of ogical factors laid out and, most importantly, the name of this game would change to “guess Drew Doughty and his greedy son of a bitch of an agent’s contract demand” and that game doesn’t sound nearly as fun.

So, let us modify the old Freudian question to ask, “what does Drew want?”

That depends on what Drew is asking the question. A self-critical, selfless, objective minded, integrity or death driven, mature beyond his years Drew would want something different than another kind of Drew, agree? Mix in the unavoidable viral effect of an agent and you could have several types of Drews. Let us explore each:

Drew #1: The self-critical, selfless, objective minded, integrity or death driven, mature beyond his years Drew, AKA “Dean’s Dream Drew”:

This Drew downplays his tremendous talent because he knows, without work ethic, that talent is a ship that never reaches its port. This Drew believes he hasn’t proven enough in the NHL on a long enough and consistent basis to merit an elite-player level contract and further recognizes he regressed when one objectively compares last season to that of the season before. The mature and selfless side of this Drew puts the team first and wants to give the Kings the cap flexibility to land elite scoring talent and catapult the team to contender status, which will not only help the franchise progress forward but will also benefit him in the long run so he can fairly request that big contract when the time comes. This Drew’s contract demand is:

3-5 years, $4.3 million dollar per season cap hit.

Drew #2: The young, confident, laissez-faire, talent aware Drew, AKA “Smiling Drew”:

This Drew knows his talent level and places himself in the top echelon of players under age 25 in the league. He will admit that he could have had a better season, but believes the regression to be related to his injury early on, as evidenced by his performance in the second half. He believes he is an integral part of this team’s core, wants to remain a Los Angeles King and simply wants a contract that is commensurate with his talent and what he perceives to be his critical role on the team. This Drew’s contract demand is:

4-7 years, $5.7 million dollar per season cap hit.

Drew #3: The young, cocky, egocentric, proud, opportunistic Drew, AKA “The Professional Athlete Stereotype Drew”:

This Drew listens intently to a voice inside his head, which psychologists call one’s “Inner Meehan.” The Inner Meehan is what tells each of us that our greatness deserves reward, that it is not a crime to be self entitled and that money is the only tangible form of approbation. This inner voice focuses less on measurable statistics and results over an extended time period leading to today but instead isolates and then magnifies one’s own self-worth and projects future majesty and prominence at an elevated present dollar value. “You are one of the best defensemen in the game, Drew, why shouldn’t you make bank?” are the echoed words of Doughty’s Inner Meehan. This Drew still cares for his team and the franchise, but believes himself to be such a critical part of its success, that to accept less than his “real” worth would be an insult. This Drew’s contract demand is:

5-8 years, $6.8 million dollar per season cap hit

Drew #4: …before I get to this Drew, let me just clarify that the types of Drews referenced herein should not be evaluated in isolation. It is reasonably probable that a Drew could have a combination of qualities from each of these categories and some qualities may be heightened or mitigated depending on the pervading external or societal influences. Now, to this Drew…you’re a little scared, aren’t you? The final Drew is the lying money hungry c*** sucker, AKA “The Agent”

We call this Drew “The Agent” not in a representative capacity but more a natural force or object that produces or is used to obtain a specific result. For example, insects are “agents” of fertilization. This Drew is his Agent. His Agent controls his thoughts, words and actions. This Agent has no soul, conscience, character, and no regard for reason. This Agent is a parasite, one that simply seeks to leech onto and suck the blood from whatever host it meets. Unfortunately, an Agent’s power over its host is most powerful from mid June through early October. Scientists recently learned that Russians are especially susceptible to such Agents during this time period. This Drew’s contract demand, with the Agent’s premise of a “very reasonable cap hit” is:

17 years, $110 million dollars.