So, I saw this Daily News gossip columnist, Dan Gross’, article about Mike Richards, Jeff Carter and their partying lifestyle that allegedly permeated into the Flyers’ locker room. The article claimed:
Shortly after his arrival in December 2009, coach Peter Laviolette instituted what players came to call the “Dry Island.” Laviolette asked team members to commit to not drinking for a month, and each player was asked to write his number on a locker room board as a pledge. No. 17 (Carter) and No. 18 (Richards) were absent from the board on the first Dry Island, as well as the estimated five more times the policy was instituted.
In a phone interview Thursday, Flyers General Manager Paul Holmgren confirmed that Richards and Carter hadn’t put their numbers on the board, but said there had been others who declined. “We carry 23 players and there wasn’t 23 numbers up there.”
Holmgren was “really upset that this is out there. That’s our locker room. Our inner sanctum. Our board. Someone’s crossing a line here,” in discussing the Dry Island.
Holmgren also said it was “preposterous” that partying was factored into the decision to trade Richards and Carter. “As far as Mike and Jeff are concerned, we made two good hockey trades that will better suit us now and for the future. Columbus is happy, L.A. is happy and the Flyers are happy with the deal.”
There is more to the article but that is all Surly & I needed to go into action. I immediately called Dean Lombardi for comment and placed the call on speaker phone. Surly stood next to me and took notes:
Me: Er…Mr. Lombardi, this is Bobby Scribe of Surly & Scribe. Surly is here as well. We called to talk to you about the Mike Richards article in the Daily News and wanted your comments on it, specifically your concerns about…
Me: Mr. Lombardi, can you hear us?
Dean: No hablo Inglés, señor.
(Surly whispers to me that Dean must be trying to fake us out and he suggests I persist)
Me: Mr. Lombardi, we know it’s you. Surly got this number from Ms. Androl as a condition of no longer harassing…er, courting her, we just want a few minutes of your time…
Dean: Usted tiene el número de teléfono equivocado.
Me: Mike…Mr. Lombardi, we just…
Dean: Mi nombre no es Mike Lombardi. Mi nombre es Jose.
(‘He’s lying!” Surly insists)
Me: Sir, do you have any reaction to the article that implicates both Mike Richards and Jeff Carter and their partying as a distraction to the Flyers’ locker room?
(Surly grabs phone)
Surly: Cerveza! Mike Richards, bebe alcohol y mucho distracto…
(I snapped the phone away from him)
Me: Mr. Lombardi?
Me: Ok, Jose, do you have any reaction to the article? Seeing how you put a lot of stock in character and being good teammates and such…Hello? Hello?
Surly: That bastard hung up on us!
Nobody hangs up on Surly & Scribe. At this point, Surly vowed we had to take this to another level. We both headed to L.A. to see Dean in person. We snuck into the building and, as we walked down a dark hallway, were surprised to see none other than Quisp in a janitor’s garb working out a long and complex math equation on a blackboard. We enlisted him (Jacob gave him Dean Lombardi’s phone number and I promised him a shot at Heidi) and made it, undetected, to Dean Lombardi’s office which was guarded by none other than Jeff Solomon.
Fortunately, Quisp walked up to Jeff and distracted him with his new theory of the inverse relationship between Scott Parse’s points for every 60 minutes played and salary cap circumvention while Surly and I snuck in. Unfortunately, Dean was no where to be found. Disappointed, we searched the office for anything we could use. Surly found Dean’s wedding photo, except his wife’s picture was cut out and there was instead a glued on photo of Paul Holmgren. I searched his trash can and only found Doughty’s most recent counter offer. Moments later, I struck gold. Pinned to a cork board near his desk was a document entitled “List of Priorities” and at number 11 was “Talk to Mike about partying issue” with a copy of the Daily News article affixed thereto.
Naturally, I borrowed the list and now bring it to you.
Dean Lombardi’s official top 10 priorities ahead of Mike Richards’ partying.
10. Give Drew’s agents, Don Meehan and Mark Guy, new firm deadlines they will ignore.
9. Find out who Surly & Scribe’s source is and have him killed.
8. Send Lou Lamoriello and Jay Grossman annual thank you card.
7. Take Spanish lessons.
6. Send Rich Hammond weekly supply of mushrooms.
5. Practice saying in 100 words what can be said in 10.
4. Find a nice way to tell Tim Leiweke I don’t give a fuck about AEG’s football team.
Deal with Wayne Simmonds’ partying.
Deal with Drew Doughty’s partying. Trade Wayne Simmonds.
1. Justify keeping Kompon.
So, there you go. After some intensive investigative reporting, we discovered Dean has more important things to worry about than Mike Richards’ past partying in Philadelphia.