The Imagined Actions Of The Real Middle Man

Donald Meehan talks to his client Drew Doughty.

DM: “Hey Drew, how’s the offseason treating you?”

DD: “Fine.  Would be better with a contract.”

DM: “I know, but don’t worry, we’re almost done.”

DD: “Describe.”

DM: “Well that pain in the ass Lombardi keeps insisting on a 9 year deal.”

DD: “So what’s the problem?”

DM: “It’s not a 5 year deal.”

DD: “Do I want a 5 year deal?”

DM: “Of course, in the long run, a 5 year deal will make us the most money.”

DD: “Us?”

DM: “Did I say us?  I meant you.”

DD: “So I shouldn’t take the 9?”

DM: “Not if you like money.”

DD: “I like money.”

DM: “Good, a 5 year deal it is then.”

DD: “I like hockey too.”

DM: “I’m sorry, what?”

DD: “Hockey, the thing I do for a living.”

DM: “Oh that old thing?  That doesn’t even start for 3 weeks.”

DD: “Well I better be playing it in 3 weeks.”

DM: “You will.”

Donald Meehan calls Dean Lombardi.

DM: “Dean, have you reconsidered our 5 year offer?”

DL: “I have.”

DM: “And….?”

DL: “And I say 9.”

DM: “Well I’m sorry to say Dean, but Drew insists on 5.”

DL: “Does he now?”

DM: “Yup.  He’s concerned with his future, just like Steve.”

DL: “Steve who?”

DM: “Stamkos.”

DL: “Why do I care about Stamkos?”

DM: “He took a 5 year deal.”

DL: “I thought we were talking about Drew.”

DM: “We are.”

DL: “Well I want Drew for 9 years.  He wants 5.  Let’s say 7, shall we?”

DM: “7 is not 5.”

DL: “No shit.”

DM: “Drew wants 5.”

DL: “You said that already.”

DM: “And…?”

DL: “And tell Drew 7.”

DM: “I’ll try.”

Donald Meehan goes out to lunch.  Gets a massage.  Sends Brian Burke a text about Brayden Schenn.  Burke says Luke is his player.  Meehan says ‘only in theory’.  Burke breaks his phone.  Meehan goes home for the day at 2pm.  Takes the next day off.  The following day Drew Doughty calls his agent.

DD: “Don, what’s happening with my contract?”

DM: “I think I made Burke angry.”

DD: “What?”

DM: “I’m sorry, my mistake.  Aren’t you happy with your 5 year deal?  Yzerman caved pretty quickly.”


DM: “Drew, my man, what’s shaking superstar?”

DD: “Do.  I.  Have.  A.  Contract?”

DM: “Dean keeps insisting on 9 years.  I told him you want 5.”

DD: “How about 7?”

DM: “But you want 5.”

DD: “7 is fine.”

DM: “5 is better.”

DD: “Ok…”

DM: “I’ll get you 5.”

DD: “Get me a contract.”

DM: “You got it Luke.”

DD: “Drew”

DM: “Steve.”

DD: “Drew!”

DM: “5 year deal coming up.”

DD: “I’ll take 7.”

DM: “I’m sorry Drew, I’m going through a tunnel, you’re breaking up.”

DD: “I can hear you just fine.”

DM: “Fine?  A 5 year deal is fine?  I know that Drew, I’ll make it happen!”


DM: “I agree, 5 is heaven.  Got a call on the other line, gotta go superstar”


DL: “Donald.”

DM: “Dean.”

DL: “Did you tell Drew about the 7 year offer?”

DM: “I did.”

DL: “And…”

DM: “And he wants 5.”

DL: “So what are we gonna do?”

DM: “You want to prank call Burke?”

DL: “You bet your ass I do!”

Now get back to work.  It’s 12pm on a Tuesday.  Nothing happens at 12pm on a Tuesday.

Categories: L.A. Kings News, Surly & Scribe Skits

Tags: , , ,

22 replies

  1. Thanks, that made me laugh at 12:15 on Tuesday with nothing happening…

  2. I wanted to hate it . . but I chuckled

  3. I almost laughed aloud at that. Then I remembered I’m at work…..
    Great stuff.

  4. Awsome work

  5. hilarious!

  6. Thank you for that. Oh, my cheezits. Thank you so much. Now, come clean the freaking juice off of my monitor.

  7. Is your comments thing broken? 2 jokes and neither posted.

  8. Ring!

    Burke: Burke here
    DL: Hello Mr.Burke, my name is Paul and I’m calling from the wherehouse about an order you placed online
    Burke: What order?
    DL: The order for the BRD you saw in the photo of our display case
    Burke: BRD? wha….
    DL: please hold I’m transferring you to sales

    2 minutes of elevator music

    DM: Sales Gary speaking
    Burke: Hello someo…
    DM: sorry, can I get your name?
    Burke: My name is Brian Bur…
    DM: How can I help you Brent
    Burke: No! Brian Bu…
    DM: Can I have the reason your call Bruce?
    Burke: I didn’t call y….
    DM: Can I help you
    Burke:……..I’m calling about an order for a BRD that I..
    DM: please hold and I’ll transfer you to sales

    2 minutes of elevator music

    DL: Sales Joe speaking
    Burke: this sounds like Paul
    DL: Paul? I’ll check if he’s in, Please hold

    2 minutes elevator music

    DM: Sales Gary speaking
    Burke: ………………
    DM: hello, is anybody there?
    Burke: Yes! I’m calling about an order fo..
    DM: I’ll connect you to shipping, Please hold

    2 minutes elevator music

    DL: Shipping, Carl speaking
    Burke: Yes I’m calling about an order for a BRD that someone said I ordered
    DL: Yes, the order was a mistake. We have no BRD’s.
    Burke: BRD’s?
    DL: The big Red Dildo you saw in the display case was a fire extinguisher
    DL and DM: SUCKER! ha ha ha ha


  9. This is great. Down Goes Brown would be proud…

  10. I am starting to feel like Doughty is a pussy for staying out of this. Why should he blindly listen to his agent. He can’t participate?


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