My name is Bobby Scribe and I’m putting together a special team, and I need me one thousand soldiers. One thousand red-blooded L.A. Kings proud soldiers. Now, y’all might’ve heard rumors about this thing called Twitter. Well, this evening, I read this tweet from the official NHL Twitter.
Now, I’m sure there will be some Ducks’ fans who will try and show some form of team pride by tweeting whatever the fuck comes into their God forsaken obtuse little minds…but before they get there, we’re going to abruptly crash this party. We’re gonna be dropped into Ducks’ Twitter land, dressed as L.A. Kings’ fans. And once we’re in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin’ guerrilla army, we’re gonna be doin’ one thing and one thing only… slaughtering Ducks’ fans. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I sure as hell have no intention of teaching Ducks’ fans sentence structure or how to properly support their fucking team. This isn’t a lesson in loyalty. Ducks’ fans ain’t got no loyalty. They’re the foot soldiers of a fan base fret with disgust and dishonor and they need to be dee-stroyed. That’s why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin’ Ducks’ pride, they’re gonna die. Now, I’m a three decade Kings’ fan who grew up with this game in my blood. That means I got a little angst and hostility in me. And our battle plan will be that of angst and hostility. We will be cruel to the Ducks’ fans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured remains of their fellow mental midgets we leave behind us. And the Ducks’ fans won’t be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our sharp wit. And the Ducks’ fans will be sickened by us, and the Ducks’ fans will talk about us, and the Ducks’ fans will fear us. And when the Ducks’ fans close their eyes at night and they’re tortured by their subconscious for the evil and vile mutants that they are, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?
I want each of you with a Twitter account to get on the front lines. Those who don’t have one, get one and get it now. I want to see the official #NHL twitter shelled with so many tweets, each one referencing #NHL at its end, from our own vitriol Duck hating perspective, that the place crashes down upon itself. Each tweet starts with:
“You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if you…” and you end it with #NHL
But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on a debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me ten hostile tweets. And I want my tweets. And all y’all will get me each one of my tweets, taken at the expense of each and every Ducks’ fan out there…or you will die tryin’.