I Need An Army Of L.A. Kings’ Fans Who Are Ready For War

My name is Bobby Scribe and I’m putting together a special team, and I need me one thousand soldiers. One thousand red-blooded L.A. Kings proud soldiers. Now, y’all might’ve heard rumors about this thing called Twitter. Well, this evening, I read this tweet from the official NHL Twitter.

You know you’re an #NHLDucksfan if you…    Reply w/ #NHL

Now, I’m sure there will be some Ducks’ fans who will try and show some form of team pride by tweeting whatever the fuck comes into their God forsaken obtuse little minds…but before they get there, we’re going to abruptly crash this party. We’re gonna be dropped into Ducks’ Twitter land, dressed as L.A. Kings’ fans. And once we’re in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin’ guerrilla army, we’re gonna be doin’ one thing and one thing only… slaughtering Ducks’ fans. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I sure as hell have no intention of teaching Ducks’ fans sentence structure or how to properly support their fucking team. This isn’t a lesson in loyalty. Ducks’ fans ain’t got no loyalty. They’re the foot soldiers of a fan base fret with disgust and dishonor and they need to be dee-stroyed. That’s why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin’ Ducks’ pride, they’re gonna die. Now, I’m a three decade Kings’ fan who grew up with this game in my blood. That means I got a little angst and hostility in me. And our battle plan will be that of angst and hostility. We will be cruel to the Ducks’ fans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured remains of their fellow mental midgets we leave behind us. And the Ducks’ fans won’t be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our sharp wit. And the Ducks’ fans will be sickened by us, and the Ducks’ fans will talk about us, and the Ducks’ fans will fear us. And when the Ducks’ fans close their eyes at night and they’re tortured by their subconscious for the evil and vile mutants that they are, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?

I want each of you with a Twitter account to get on the front lines. Those who don’t have one, get one and get it now. I want to see the official #NHL twitter shelled with so many tweets, each one referencing #NHL at its end, from our own vitriol Duck hating perspective, that the place crashes down upon itself. Each tweet starts with:

“You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if you…” and you end it with #NHL

But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on a debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me ten hostile tweets. And I want my tweets. And all y’all will get me each one of my tweets, taken at the expense of each and every Ducks’ fan out there…or you will die tryin’.

Categories: L.A. Kings News

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58 replies

  1. just tweeted via my twitter (@markowsky): You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if you live in a van down by the river! #NHL Go @LAKings Go!

  2. You keep asking “What’s that blue line thingy again?”

  3. Very funny and I love the movie Rreferences.

    You know your a ducks fan –

    When you think WildWing is your leading scorer! Dumbass!

  4. Oh, you inglorious bastard…!

  5. every “man”????? come on you know us women can be oh so harsh!!! Evil chuckle!

  6. Just tweeted…”You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if you…only go to one game a year…and you got those tickets for free. #NHL”

  7. You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan when at Christmas you get an #LAKings jersey and wonder when the season is going to start. #NHL

    Bobby, I better get a follow on twitter for this!

  8. Sorry. I don’t twitter. I don’t even know if you need an account to do so. I don’t facebook either. Maybe I’m too oldschool, but my daughter, and her friends spend all their time doing that stuff, and it agitates the hell out of me to see her and her friends do it for hours on end. They research nothing, and find it tedious to read, just for fun.

    It has replaced a simple phone call as a way to communicate. They all have cell phones, and yet run their batteries down texting.

    I rebel against all of it, and am now the resistance against social media, even though i’m probably a hypocrite for posting this on a blog site. lol

  9. You know you’re a #NHLKings fan when you talk a lot of shit (usually not about hockey) and your team can’t back it up #NHL

    • Wait a second. You just wrote Kings’ fans talk shit about something other than hockey and the Kings can’t back that non-hockey talk up…as if the on ice team would / could ever back up a non hockey related shit talk. See the problem there genius? No? That’s because you’re a Ducks’ fan. You could have started your comment with “Habla Moron?” We would have answered “no” and that would have been that.

    • You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan when you troll other teams blogs looking for something to give you an excuse to let your loosely-fashioned flesh flaps open up to let the non-coherant, fecal-scented babble spill out in a weak attempt to boost your already disastrously incapacitated ego.

      Sorry your team is named after water fowl but there are other blogs for people like you. I would suggest sticking to them. Perhaps start with the ones that have BIG letters and colorful pictures. Might be easier for you to fit in there.

  10. i dont have twitter but they posted the same thing on facebook and ill go hate hard

  11. you know your a duck fan if you mistake the vintage kings gold jersey for a Lakers jersey.

    i’m a die hard duck fan….ya 95% our fans don’t know the difference between icing and offsides. and i have heard someone at honda center ask, “why are they pulling the goalie?”, when we were a goal down with a minute left; and i could care less about proper sentence structure because i’m not writing a paper for my english professor.

    the more you hate us, the more i smile. although your team is stacked this year, it only looks good on paper. good luck queens fans…..i look forward to our first match

  12. just tweeted. you know your a ducks fan, when you REALLY dont know why your a ducks fan!!

  13. You know you’re an #NHLKings fan if you love 40+ years of mediocrity…

  14. This article is now on yahoo so I’m sure plenty of ducks fans will be stopping by. Being one of them, I can only laugh when I see some of these comments. Hate on the fan base all you want, but know that your team still does not have anything to show for it’s 40+ seasons in the nhl. Looking forward to see the next installment of this epic series all the way from madison, wisconsin.

    • On the contrary, we have plenty of angst and hostility built up and those within the closest proximity (Anaheim) will bear the brunt of it…consider yourself temporarily safe in Madison, Wisconsin.

    • I dont need a cup to display loyalty proudly. This argument is a perfect example of one of the first comments “you take pride in 2007, but only started following the team in 2008”.

    • Yes we do its called pride and class, look it up.

  15. just in the middle of my ten and got an error message “twitter server is down”…did we win so soon?????

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  16. At the risk of being long-winded, I’ll give you 10 of mine….

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if….U bought a Terry Yake jersey back in the day and you DON’T use it to dry your car after washing. #NHL

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if….after watching “Miracle” u looked over 2 your freshly-botoxed wife & whispered,”I don’t get it.”

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if….the best time you ever had at the Honda Center was at the George Strait concert.

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if….before this year you believed Corey Perry was “the one from Lost Boys”

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if…you think Paul Kariya is still on the active roster and is on a line with Todd Ewen.

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if….you always ask about icing, because its “so confusing.”

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if….complain about the sushi prices at the Honda Center but think Jason Blake is a real bargain.

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if…..you buy Ducks gear because you just love, love, love that yellow “O”

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if….you talk about the old days when the team featured such greats as Gary Valk and Troy Loney.

    You know you’re an #NHLDucks fan if….you spend the first period eating sushi while looking for coach Emilio Estevez.


  17. You know you’re a Ducks fan, when you go to Honda Center and expect to buy a car!

    I don’t have a twitter account, so anyone can use my post accordingly.

  18. The Mighty Ducks, like the Phoenix and San Jose Whatevers, exist, like the Seals of long ago, to reduce our travel schedule. Means to an end, so that we are fresher when we play serious games vs. St. Louis, Chicago and Detroit. I just can’t spend much time or effort where it comes to these teams. Even when we lose games to them on occasion, the issue is our play and not theirs. It just means we’re not taking care of business.

  19. You know you’re a Kings fan when you the lack of a Stanley Cup for over almost half a century pushes you to inconceivable anger and forces you to slander another team’s fans rather than represent for your team.

    Get some fucking banners that matter up there in the rafters at Staples THEN get on twitter.

    • Don’t confuse fun at your fan base’s universally accepted deminimis acumen and loyalty with anger. Nothing Ducks fans do make me angry. You are the NHL’s jesters, though unintentionally so.

    • You know you’re a Ducks fan when you think winning a Cup in your history automatically makes you the best hockey team in the world today. Thankfully, Oiler and Islander fans aren’t that stupid.

      • Yup, 2006-2007 the Ducks were the best hockey team in the world.

        Sadly even with Gretzky the Kings were never the best hockey team anywhere, ever.

        Never forget, 1992-1993.

        And we’ll always point at that Stanley Cup banner when the issue comes up because we knows it’s salt on wounds for most Kings’ fans.

  20. If I hear one story about physical violence perpetrated against a ducks fan by a kings fan this year I’ll be looking back at this blog post. A lot of frivolous hate was just spewed in the name of a great NHL rivalry. We need less of this. NHL fans have been said to hold higher standards that govern their passion–higher standards than fans of the other major sports leagues. This is a disgrace to that notion.

    • Now that is funny. Jacob and I are the two most “non violent” fans you will find. One of my dearest friends is a Ducks’ fan. Go to the local 99 cent store and buy yourself the starter kit for a sense of humor. If you take this post that seriously or translate it to violence, you may need to be medicated because you are the only one.

    • Oh, and great NHL rivalry? That is the biggest b.s. exaggeration I have read so far this off season. We haven’t even met in the playoffs. So far, we are a rivalry of geography. I look forward to the day we meet in the playoffs and beat them in game 7. THEN, it will be the start of a great rivalry.

    • You know you’re a Ducks fan when you take playful banter WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too seriously. Stick to your OC Housewives show for your drama, sir. We’re hockey fans. We’re talking smack. That’s what we do.

  21. Dear Ryan, rivalries are what we have had with Ed., Cal., Det., Phi. the North Stars (nevermind) and even Van. Not the Mighty Ducks. The whole reason our owner, Mr. McNall,
    caused your team to be formed was to reduce our travel schedule. Repeat after me: “Mr. McNall is my daddy.” Please don’t ask about your mother.

    This has not been an assault, Ryan, this has been a panty raid. A little idle fun while we wait for our playoff run to start. We wouldn’t be doing this if your team were the Bruins (the team in gold and black on the cover of the L.A. Times sports page during the Finals, Ryan). And by the way, all the laughing you are hearing IS at you – you really should take those pink panties off your head and put them back on.

  22. @lovemylakings
    You know you’re a #NHLDucks fan if-

    -you’re willing to renounce your team for a chance to get with a #LAKings fan
    (^^based on an actual incident^^)

    -your favorite hockey moment is when Charlie scores his penalty shot and wins the game

    -your worst nightmare is losing the 41 year old right winger

    -you refer to first intermission as half time and leave after 2nd period to avoid all the traffic

    -summer is your favorite time of year because you don’t get harassed by #LAKings fans on a daily basis

    -you keep up with League standings by listening to #LAKings fans

    -your only battle cry is “Stanley Cup”

    -you consider the “flying V” to be a perfectly legitimate play

    -you wish Bob Miller and Jim Fox commented on all the games, not just the ones against the

    -you started watching the Ducks in 1993, but didn’t admit you watch hockey til 2007

    -you wonder why people wear eggplant and green to games when the Ducks colors are orange and gold

  23. You know you’re a #NHLDucks fan if-

    – you used to be an LA Kings fan then decades of disappointment forced you to consider otherwise. #McNalled

    – your desire for blood is quenched by Sheldon Brookbank of all people http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SIPK_-1cXg

    – you laughed your ass off when Kopitar broke his ankle

    – you like Dustin Penner even more now for being a fat, lazy and ineffective waste of salary

  24. You know you’re a ducks fan when you are STILL bragging about winning a cup and you STILL don’t know the rules of the game.


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