When inspiration strikes, Surly & Scribe bring you skits. Warning: This contains some R rated language and may be offensive to those without a lighthearted sense of humor.
[Dean Lombardi calls Don Meehan]
Dean: Hey jerk off.
Don: Hey jack ass, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?
Dean: I was sitting here in my office, feet up, looking at this mini statute of fat Buddha on my desk and it reminded me of Drew, so I thought I’d call you.
Don: That’s fucked up.
Dean: I was referring to Buddha’s smile.
Don: You know, this is Nabokov and Stuart for you all over again.
Dean: This is L.A., our city our home, Los Angeles, we never walk alone.
Don: What the fuck was that?
Dean: Song has been in my head for 2 years. What does it even mean? Nobody knows anyone here. You can live next to someone for 10 years and never know their name.
Don: Yeah, it’s much nicer here in Ontario.
Dean: I bet. Shitty NHL teams, 70 percent of the population are inbred, of course everyone knows everyone else and is friendly.
Don: I should be talking to Burky about Schenn verses wasting my time with you. He doesn’t believe in long-term contracts so we can get 5 years, 30 million dollars done lickidy split. I wish Brian was handling Drew’s negotiations.
Dean: Oh yeah? Why? So he can sign Drew, have your boy underachieve under Wilson and then trade him to a contender when the myopic fan base turns on him?
Don: What are you going to do when Doughty holds out?
Dean: I don’t know, watch him grow progressively fatter, how about you?
Don: Watch you try to contend for the Cup with your NOT Norris Trophy nominee Voynov or NOT Norris Trophy nominee Muzzin.
Dean: Your forgot Hickey.
Don: No, I didn’t.
Dean: He was a good pick at the time.
Don: For a first year GM with shit for brains, yeah, he was a great pick.
Dean: We made up for it with some great pickups in later rounds of drafts.
Don: Like Wayne Simmonds, who you traded?
Dean: We got Mike Richards, idiot.
Don: Should make for some great post game parties.
[Dean’s speaker phone rings]
Secretary: Mr. Lombardi, Ms. Helen Elliott is on the phone.
Dean: That’s Helene.
Secretary: Yes, sir.
Dean: Good morning, Helene.
Helene: Good morning, Dean. I was calling to see how negotiations were progressing between you and Don?
Dean: Oh, very amicable but this is not a good time to talk, can we perhaps chat later?
Dean: Great, thank you. Talk to you soon.
Don: Why did you blow her off?
Dean: Because she actually asks follow-up questions, unlike Hammond.
Don: Good point.
Dean: So, I amicably offer you 9 years, $54 million up your ass.
Don: Ha ha. I counter your amicable offer with an amicable 5 years, $50 million middle finger. Hey, maybe you should let Hextall play GM and handle these negotiations? He would do a better job.
Dean: I should because Hexy wouldn’t negotiate, he would just kick your ass.
Don: Oh, or Solomon. Let him do it. He can offer me an AAV of $6.835 million cubed, divided by pi.
Dean: He is in the next room, you wanna talk to him?
Don: Yeah, in about 1.67 times the square root of 3 minutes.
[Dean’s speaker phone again]
Dean: What’s up?
Secretary: I am sorry for interrupting again, but Mr. Dennis Bernstein is on the phone and he says he urgently needs a story.
Dean: Jesus. Tell him I intend to make Drew Doughty the highest paid player this century. That should entertain his bored readers for a few months.
Secretary: Yes, sir.
Don: So, what are you going to tell people at your team’s Fan Fest tomorrow?
Dean: That we are working hard to get Drew signed and we are confident it will happen.
Don: So, you’re going to lie?
Don: Gonna give them any misguided Hamburger Hill or New York Yankees analogies?
Don: You’re not Steinbrenner, Dean. Steinbrenner paid big bucks for his stars.
Dean: Hang on, Surly & Scribe’s source is coming in.
Source: Good morning, Mr. Lombardi, your breakfast is almost ready. Will you be taking cream cheese with your bagel?
Dean: Yes, but light.
Source: Yes, sir.
Dean: Oh, and [whispering loudly] I am talking to Don Meehan and we just got the Drew Doughty deal done.
Source: [whispering back] Excellent, sir. It will be our little secret [thumbs up with a wink].
Dean: Good times. So, where were we?
Don: Don’t know.
Dean: What are you doing the rest of the day?
Don: Counting my money from the Stamkos deal.
Dean: Fuck Yzerman.
Don: Love Yzerman.
Dean: You should have offered him $8.5 million per season for 5 years. He would have taken it.
Don: I saved that offer for you.
Dean: Have a nice day jerk off.
Don: Ditto jack ass.