Dean Lombardi Talks With Don Meehan

When inspiration strikes, Surly & Scribe bring you skits. Warning: This contains some R rated language and may be offensive to those without a lighthearted sense of humor.

[Dean Lombardi calls Don Meehan]

Don: Hello?

Dean: Hey jerk off.

Don: Hey jack ass, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?

Dean: I was sitting here in my office, feet up, looking at this mini statute of fat Buddha on my desk and it reminded me of Drew, so I thought I’d call you.

Don: That’s fucked up.

Dean: I was referring to Buddha’s smile.

Don: You know, this is Nabokov and Stuart for you all over again.

Dean: This is L.A., our city our home, Los Angeles, we never walk alone.

Don: What the fuck was that?

Dean: Song has been in my head for 2 years. What does it even mean? Nobody knows anyone here. You can live next to someone for 10 years and never know their name.

Don: Yeah, it’s much nicer here in Ontario.

Dean: I bet. Shitty NHL teams, 70 percent of the population are inbred, of course everyone knows everyone else and is friendly.

Don: I should be talking to Burky about Schenn verses wasting my time with you. He doesn’t believe in long-term contracts so we can get 5 years, 30 million dollars done lickidy split. I wish Brian was handling Drew’s negotiations.

Dean: Oh yeah? Why? So he can sign Drew, have your boy underachieve under Wilson and then trade him to a contender when the myopic fan base turns on him?

Don: What are you going to do when Doughty holds out?

Dean: I don’t know, watch him grow progressively fatter, how about you?

Don: Watch you try to contend for the Cup with your NOT Norris Trophy nominee Voynov or NOT Norris Trophy nominee Muzzin.

Dean: Your forgot Hickey.

Don: No, I didn’t.

Dean: He was a good pick at the time.

Don: For a first year GM with shit for brains, yeah, he was a great pick.

Dean: We made up for it with some great pickups in later rounds of drafts.

Don: Like Wayne Simmonds, who you traded?

Dean: We got Mike Richards, idiot.

Don: Should make for some great post game parties.

[Dean’s speaker phone rings]

Dean: Yes?

Secretary: Mr. Lombardi, Ms. Helen Elliott is on the phone. 

Dean: That’s Helene.

Secretary: Yes, sir.

Dean: Good morning, Helene.

Helene: Good morning, Dean. I was calling to see how negotiations were progressing between you and Don?

Dean: Oh, very amicable but this is not a good time to talk, can we perhaps chat later? 

Helene: Sure. 

Dean: Great, thank you. Talk to you soon. 

Don: Why did you blow her off?

Dean: Because she actually asks follow-up questions, unlike Hammond.

Don: Good point.

Dean: So, I amicably offer you 9 years, $54 million up your ass.

Don: Ha ha. I counter your amicable offer with an amicable 5 years, $50 million middle finger. Hey, maybe you should let Hextall play GM and handle these negotiations? He would do a better job.

Dean: I should because Hexy wouldn’t negotiate, he would just kick your ass.

Don: Oh, or Solomon. Let him do it. He can offer me an AAV of $6.835 million cubed, divided by pi.

Dean: He is in the next room, you wanna talk to him?

Don: Yeah, in about 1.67 times the square root of 3 minutes.

[Dean’s speaker phone again]

Dean: What’s up?

Secretary: I am sorry for interrupting again, but Mr. Dennis Bernstein is on the phone and he says he urgently needs a story. 

Dean: Jesus. Tell him I intend to make Drew Doughty the highest paid player this century. That should entertain his bored readers for a few months. 

Secretary: Yes, sir.

Don: So, what are you going to tell people at your team’s Fan Fest tomorrow?

Dean: That we are working hard to get Drew signed and we are confident it will happen.

Don: So, you’re going to lie?

Dean: Yes.

Don: Gonna give them any misguided Hamburger Hill or New York Yankees analogies?

Dean: Probably.

Don: You’re not Steinbrenner, Dean. Steinbrenner paid big bucks for his stars.

Dean: Hang on, Surly & Scribe’s source is coming in.

Source: Good morning, Mr. Lombardi, your breakfast is almost ready. Will you be taking cream cheese with your bagel?

Dean: Yes, but light.

Source: Yes, sir.

Dean: Oh, and [whispering loudly] I am talking to Don Meehan and we just got the Drew Doughty deal done.

Source: [whispering back] Excellent, sir. It will be our little secret [thumbs up with a wink].

Don: [laughing]

Dean: Good times. So, where were we?

Don: Don’t know.

Dean: What are you doing the rest of the day?

Don: Counting my money from the Stamkos deal.

Dean: Fuck Yzerman.

Don: Love Yzerman.

Dean: You should have offered him $8.5 million per season for 5 years. He would have taken it.

Don: I saved that offer for you.

Dean: Have a nice day jerk off.

Don: Ditto jack ass.



Categories: L.A. Kings News, Surly & Scribe Skits

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

23 replies

  1. Excellent work I can’t count how many times I laughed at that dialogue.

  2. C’mon!
    It probably went more like this.

    Dean: What Dickhead?
    Don: do you even know who this is ass?
    Dean: Caller ID fuckhole.
    Don: So, wwwwwwhat cha weeeeaaaarrr’in.
    Dean: Boxer breifs, and black socks, with those little knee things that hold up my socks.
    Don: SSSSHHHHHH! my wifes comin, gotta go.
    Dean: We never talk about what I wanna talk about.
    Don: 2 days before camp, I promise.
    Dean: Later dickhead.
    Don: Ass!

  3. Dean: I should because Hexy wouldn’t negotiate, he would just kick your ass.

    … I think this part is the most humorous part of this whole thing; the notion that Ron Hextall is some sort of tough bad-ass.

    Maybe I should go out and get my ass handed to me by Felix Potvin, so I too can be recognized as a tough bad-ass. Seems easy enough.

  4. This was a masterpiece. Sophisticated, circuitous, and deep.

    In many respects it is not too far off. In the end, though, Dean has to have bigger balls…

  5. Fricken brilliant!

  6. Didn’t know Dean nick named his Drew Doughty bobble-head “mini statute of fat Buddha”.

    Well, have to ask. Did he sign yet?

  7. DL…”Fuck! Hockeyfest tomorrow and everyone and their GD brother is gonna wannna know how the Doughty signing is going. That little shit is causing me more grief than I expected!” :D

  8. F*ck em!!!!!!!!!! HARD

  9. Brilliant. Effing brilliant!

  10. Singlehandedly offended Helene and Hammond and Bernstein in one article – you got balls, Bobby. Funny stuff.

    • First, Helene got a compliment because she knows how to do an interview and ask follow up questions, hence the premise in the skit. Remember, we dig Helene, her candor and unfiltered style.

      Hammond? Well, we wish he asked more follow up questions but we understand why. Asking the tough questions isn’t in the job description of an employee / internal beat writer.

      Bernstein? Yeah, he and I had friction. I am sure the feeling there is mutual.

      Shouldn’t you be working on an article? :)

      • I wish I could dig Helene’s editorializing. Doom is always on the horizon. A chunk of the sky just fell on our heads. And all players are lacking.

        • She is a columnist. Her job is to express opinions. There will of course be ones that raise the ire of fans, especially the very management loyal ones, but when read objectively and without too much emotion, there is value in what she does.

  11. I saw Doughty at the CPK concession stands at Hockey Fest. Fat bastard was eating the profits.

  12. Weber for Doughty straight up. Resign Weber at a resonable 8 year deal. Weber is a man Doughty is a boy.

  13. Weber is a man and accomplished. Doughty has not done jack shit except win a medal for his country and finish second behind Duncan Keith for the Norris. Weber wants to win and is probably a better team mate then Doughty.

    • Those accomplishments are nothing to shake a stick at, and 90% of the defenseman in the league wish they could at least do that much. As far as being a better teammate you have nothing to base that on, and so far the only reason I could see that you would say something like that is because of Meehan, not DD. As near as I can see, DD’s teammates love him.

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