Since Surly & I don’t have the sufficient millions to offer, we came up with the second and third best thing to provide Drew Doughty if he signs before camp…unfortunately, we both realized that sex (#2) with Drew really doesn’t work because neither Surly nor I are of that persuasion (not that there is anything wrong with that) and giving Drew drugs (#3) seems counterproductive to a great season. Fortunately, we put our minds together and still managed to come up with 10 different goods or services we could offer Drew. Taken separately or as a whole, they should more than make up for the gap in dollars that exist between Drew & Dean and make this signing happen.

10. Show him nude photos of Scarlett Johansson

9. Not show him nude photos of Terry Murray

8. A six-pack of Stone Ruination…minus two bottles

7. Free legal services for life

Offer limited to residents of the State of California with no Canadian heritage whatsoever with a minimum of four Norris Trophy nominations and two awards of same. Not valid with any other offer. Offer unenforceable at the earliest of 48 hours after acceptance or the first full moon

6. Matthew Barry’s social security number, date of birth, computer passwords and the services of pre-paid hacker

5. All the non-professional L.A. tail he can handle

4. Acquiring Dean’s written agreement to never look Drew in the eyes

3. Round trip tickets to Philadelphia on non-game days with discount coupons to all the local bars or, in the alternative,…

2. A local African-American friend

And the number 1 thing we will offer Drew Doughty if he signs before camp…

1. The opportunity to do his fucking job