Caterpillar, Ducks & A Shot At Redemption

I love my vegetable garden. It is my pride. It is my joy. As the fall vegetables move toward harvest and the winter ones remain on deck, I am fortunate to have year round peppers that flourish – these include Serrano, Cayenne and the hottest Habanero peppers you have tasted this side of Mexico. Unfortunately, my pleasure is often interrupted by these green opportunistic mercenaries who are a menace to my delight.

Bastard!

They eat my leaves. They eat my vegetables. They make me angry. Very angry. Today, after finding one on my Habanero plant, I went through a range of emotions.

Death By Size 11

I didn’t want to clean my shoe…

Fat Green Caterpillar Meets 245/45ZR20

Not cruel enough…

Hammer Time!

Too messy…

Half The Caterpillar He Used To Be

I can hear it from the wife, “you used my scissors?!”…

Caterpillar Launched 280 Yards...With A Slight Draw

Police Officer: “Sir, is this your caterpillar?”

Me: “It was.”

Police Officer: “It struck your elderly neighbor who lives 280 yards down your street. She was in her back yard.”

Me: “Oh”

So.

What am I to do with this trespasser?

As I pondered its demise…

My Daughter: “Daddy, what do you have there?”

Me: [crap!]: “Oh, nothing honey, it’s just a caterpillar.”

My Daughter: “A caterpillar! I want to see!! I want to see!!”

Me: [Sigh. Showing it to her]

My Daughter: “Oh, it is so cute! Are we going to drop him off at a tree so his mommy and daddy can pick him up?”

[a tradition started by my wife to which I have never consented]

Me: “Uh…sure, honey. We can do that.”

My Daughter: “Cool! I will go get my shoes!”

Me to Caterpillar, bringing him close: “This is your shot at redemption. You get one…”

Caterpillar to Me: “…”

My Daughter, shoes on: “Let’s go!”

We trekked a couple of blocks down our street until we reached a dirt trail with rows of large trees that parallel a small stream. I picked a tree that is full of green leaves…and hungry birds. My daughter placed the caterpillar on one such leaf and waved goodbye. My scowl temporarily turned into a smile.

Tomorrow night, we play the Anaheim Ducks. There will be no mercy. No redemption. Only visceral hatred and rage. We will not drop live ducks off at any pond. Our L.A. Kings will slaughter them on the ice and send their symbolic corpses in caskets, small and narrow, to rot back in Orange County. Preseason or not, only one result is acceptable. Bring your lungs to Staples Center.

GO KINGS!



Categories: L.A. Kings News

Tags: , ,

19 replies

  1. Lol. Nice picture story.

    You have done your nice deed today collectively for the Kings and their fans.

    Tonight should be nothing short of brutality and death.

    • Tomorrow night…small typo that I cannot believe somebody caught before me (below). What the hell Matt! Did you read the post in the first 2 seconds it was posted?

      • I think it was just weird timing. I am not a stalker….as far as you know. Hopefully there will be more fans than we had on Wednesday. Good things are going to happen this season. With or without Drew.

      • Damn, now I look like an uninformed Kings fan *cries*

  2. We play them on Sunday, not tonight.

    Do you think the caterpillar will blend?

  3. Did you give your wife access to this blog? It must have been hijacked by some garden nut with a feel for an over sized maggot. Get back to Kings hockey…and not as a footnote. Either that or turn the reign over to Surly.

    (it’s like a home & garden mag…cheezus…)

  4. I know they do the whole catfish and octopus thing but would throwing a dead duck on the ice at a ducks game be crossing any lines?

  5. .. You’ve really lost it this time, man.

    It makes me proud to be here.

  6. LET’S GO KINGS!!! Nice pics BTW….oh, and I will take some Habanero’s if that damn caterpillar didn’t destroy them all!

  7. Anaheim Caterpillars would be a better name.

    JT Dutch: “.. You’ve really lost it this time, man.
    It makes me proud to be here.”

    I agree, 100%!

  8. Glad to see I’m not the only one consumed by violent rage when my pepper plants are threatened.

  9. According to the sports experts, the LA Kings are at the front of the pack this season as Cup contenders. The first number is from Bodog and 2nd one from Sportsbook. The lower the value, the better the odds of winning.

    If I use Sportsbook’s numbers there are 10 teams with values 1200 or less. Equally divided between conferences.

    West would be listed from most favored on down.

    Vancouver
    LA, Wings, SJ tied (with SJ slight favorite with Bodog)
    Chicago

    We need to beat 3 teams to make it to the Cup finals. If the odds hold up, we will be meeting Vancouver for the Western Conf finals. Which we should have a Very good shot at beating.

    For the Cup finals, we would then meet Washington for the Cup. I think I’m looking at this right.

    Odds to Win the 2011-2012 Stanley Cup

    Anaheim Ducks +2500, +3000
    Boston Bruins +1000, +800
    Buffalo Sabres +1800, +1200
    Calgary Flames +4000, +4000
    Carolina Hurricanes +4500, +4000

    Chicago Blackhawks +1200, +1200
    Colorado Avalanche +6500, +7500
    Columbus Blue Jackets +7500, +5000
    Dallas Stars +4000, +5000
    Detroit Red Wings +1200, +1000

    Edmonton Oilers +6500, +6000
    Florida Panthers +7500, +7500

    Los Angeles Kings +1400, +1000

    Minnesota Wild +7000, +6000
    Montreal Canadiens +2500, +2500

    Nashville Predators +2800, +3000
    New Jersey Devils +3000, +2500
    New York Islanders +8000, +5000
    New York Rangers +3000, +3500
    Ottawa Senators +7000, +10000

    Philadelphia Flyers +1100, +1200
    Phoenix Coyotes +3500, +4000
    Pittsburgh Penguins +1000, +800
    San Jose Sharks +1100, +1000
    St Louis Blues +5000, +4000

    Tampa Bay Lightning +1600, +1800
    Toronto Maple Leafs +5000, +4000
    Vancouver Canucks +700, +600
    Washington Capitals +700, +800
    Winnipeg Jets +6000, +5000

  10. I have a title for your story, “Bobby, His Beautiful Little Girl and the Catepillar named Meehan”

    Lots of pro-Lombardi birds in that tree I bet.

  11. Dude, that’s some funny shit!

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