Reading Tim Leiweke’s Mind

The buzzer sounds the end of the game; the Kings lose 3-0 to Edmonton

Shit, another loss, and another drink; this team is unwatchable. Losing like this hurts worse than the hangover I’m going to have tomorrow morning. What do we have to do to get this right? I mean, we’ve built up Downtown Los Angeles, constructed a beautiful arena and spent a fucking fortune on these God damn, prima donna players. Phil almost reamed me a new one when I told him we had to pay Doughty $7 million for the next eight years. Lucky for me his wife was around and calmed him down. Nancy is a real sweetheart. She wants a Cup more than anyone; I don’t know how I could do this job without her.

When we first got here over 15 years ago, we thought winning a Championship would be the easy part. Hell, these players have no loyalty to anyone, and you pay them enough money, they’ll play for the Devil himself. It was those piss ant bureaucrats in City Hall who had us scared. Who the hell do these cretins think they are telling us where we can build on our own property with our own money? Making sure these epsilon, semi-morons get ‘taken care of’ is almost as expensive as icing a full roster. We finally get the arena built and that schmuck Taylor comes to me and says he is going to build a winner here. I feel like such a sucker believing him, I mean the guy couldn’t draft and develop players to save his life. That means I have to go through 10 seasons catching hell from those uppity season ticket holders because we sucked. Why do these simpletons think just because they buy a ducat or two that they can call me all sorts of names and actually boo me? I swear Phil doesn’t pay me enough money to put up with this crap.

So, I finally wake up and realize I don’t know what the hell I am doing and bring in that smart ass Lombardi. Boy is he cocky. And every time he goes through one of those presentations with the spreadsheets, I have to pop a couple of bennies to stay awake. But, lo and behold, the guy actually knows what he is doing. Right before our eyes, he is bringing in players we would have never gotten 10 years ago. We actually have some real talent down there, the best goaltending situation in the league, probably the best complement of defencemen and some serious depth at center. Now when I go to a cocktail party and tell the other guests I run the Kings, no one laughs hysterically any more. I can even raise ticket prices without having to apologize. That fucker Bettman even said something nice to me the other day. The nasty midget never has a kind word for anyone.

Now, the pressure is really on me. We got all these tenants down here paying us gobs of money in rent, but the NBA is out for lunch and the Kings have to carry this thing. If we can just get an NFL team down here, that will seal the deal and give AEG full ownership of the largest and most profitable sports and entertainment complex in the world. They will have to rename Pico Boulevard Leiweke Way to thank me for putting the whole damn thing together. The shoe salesman from Jacksonville was here the other day hinting he may sell his football team, but that pompous jerk Goodell is hesitating letting us buy into the League. The self-righteous SOB says we never won anything and wants to make sure the team going into the second largest television market in the country has ‘competent’ ownership. Who the fuck is he to diss me like that?

But, I wasn’t worried, Dean told me we are ready to win now, and I opened up the wallet wide like a whore spreading her legs. Hell, we are going to lose a bloody fortune on the team this season, but, it will all be worth it if we get the NFL. What I didn’t count on was we were going to hire a Diplodocus as a coach. I mean it is bad enough that we are losing, but we are boring and predictable on top of it. How the fuck can guys like Penner, Gagne and Richards star everywhere else and look like they just shot their load right before every game when they arrive in Los Angeles? And, why is it that we trade some loser who can’t cut it here, that he blossoms as soon as his plane lands in a new city? I mean come on! Dean is telling me to be patient, but fuck him. We have too much riding on this. We can’t let someone else get the NFL or have stadium built elsewhere. This is our only shot. We need to win goddamn it, and I am sick of Lombardi telling me what to do. I run this fucking team, and no one is going to tell me otherwise. I swear to God, that asshole Murray better turn things around and quick.

So, what am I going to do? I’ve got to let these sons of bitches know I am pissed as hell, and that I am not going to take it any more. I could ask that handsome devil Rich Hammond to interview me, he is a really gifted and completely unbiased blogger. No, that is way too predictable. Yes, I got it – I’m going to email Surly & Scribe. Those guys are a bunch of pedantic jackasses who don’t know diddly squat and are probably just a couple of fucking nerds who sit in front of a keyboard all day. But god damn, their writing is clever, and they will never shy away from an ‘f’ bomb. They will get my message across, and none too subtly at that. Terry and Dean and that guy with the vertical neck who calls himself a power play coach will shit in their pants after they see how enraged I am. But, I mean business. I am going to bring a Cup to Los Angeles, and I don’t care how many asses I have to kick or how many heads are going to roll.

Categories: L.A. Kings News, Surly & Scribe Skits

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18 replies

  1. And then that other thought crosses my mind that says, “who am I kidding? This franchise is the biggest tax write off I’ve ever had. Its like The Producers, If the show is a flop I don’t have to pay off the investors. I really like that play. Besides who takes a ‘hockey’ franchise in LA seriously anyway? If we could move them to Kansas City, we would have a whole market full of fresh assholes to buy this shitty product.”

  2. Well said and someone needs to let these players play their game. I understand a “D” mentality but we need to score. We are the third LOWEST scoring team in the fricking NHL, WTF?

    Get rid of Penner and I think it’s time for a coaching change.

  3. Penner, Murry, Kompon = GONE!!!

  4. With TM’s “system” all it takes is one unlucky bounce and Quick to only be really good instead of perfect and we lose the game. I have an idea, why don’t we try to score double-digit goals every game that way even if there are three unlucky bounces and Quick lets an “extra” one in we’ll still win.

  5. I would like to see Ted Nolan as the new coach. Just to keep everyone, including DL, honest.

  6. Diplodocus? I like it. If there was hockey in the Mesozoic Era, Terry Murray would be coaching it.

  7. … This constant talk I see about Lombardi being so much of a better GM than Taylor is frankly nauseating.

    • You have a difficult time separating skits & humor from actual beliefs and opinions…I think Howard may tell you that Taylor never got a fair chance.

      • You have a difficult time separating skits & humor from actual beliefs and opinions

        … Shots are shots. I don’t care if it’s parody or not. It’s just another way to crap on someone who’s not with the team any more.

        • Better to crap on someone who is still with the team, like Moreau or Hunter, right?

          • … At least I don’t dish out mine through a veil of parody. It’s straightforward and it’s deserved, and it’s more on the GM who acquired those two than the players themselves.

          • You mock creativity in its essence? That’s disappointing.

            But you are direct, I’ll give you that… most of the time. You also like to be caddy and sarcastic about that crap which you foist on players, GMs and Kings fans.

            However making this about the merits of creative writing vs. simplified ranting is silly. You shouldn’t and kind of can’t put one above the other. But ah hell, let’s try.

            Parody > caddy sarcasm in my book.

            Since when is the use of comedy to make points that may or may not be earnest such a serious issue? Yeesh.

            Also, for the record JT, you aren’t the grand arbiter of who does and does not deserve degradation, as much as you believe you are the last line of logic in this regard.

          • Also, for the record JT, you aren’t the grand arbiter of who does and does not deserve degradation

            … Give me a break. I never said I was. I just don’t feel like stating “in my opinion” before every point I make. I figure that’s implied.

            As for “mocking creativity in its essence”, there you go projecting again. It’s all personal preference on what we view to be funny or not funny. I just don’t happen to think this is good parody. It’s just the same old regurgitated “our new GM is teh awesomeness and our old one was teh suck” B.S. And I also don’t believe this is a look into the mind of Leiweke when it includes lines like “I am going to bring a Cup to Los Angeles” when Tim couldn’t give the first flying fuck about that at all.

          • “when Tim couldn’t give the first flying fuck about that at all.”

            Ah, well then the entire point of the parody was lost on you my friend. The NFL. The NFL is a very big reason why Tim cares whether the team wins or not. That, and as much as I have disliked him often, I do feel that Tim is a fan of the game. In fact that’s why I think he has gotten too involved in the past, because he is a fan on some level, not just a business man to the bone… that would be Anshitz.

          • I do feel that Tim is a fan of the game.

            … Tim Leiweke is a fan of Tim Leiweke. He’s also a fan of money, and of lying.

            In fact that’s why I think he has gotten too involved in the past

            … He’s gotten too involved in the past because his ego won’t allow otherwise.

          • “his ego won’t allow otherwise.”

            Well then his ego would make him want to win, wouldn’t it?

            Saying that Tim doesn’t care about winning but that Tim has a huge ego aren’t really compatible viewpoints. A man with a huge ego doesn’t want his name attached to something that isn’t a success.


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