So I get that killer whales are drawn to the waters near Vancouver. I get that a Canuck is a sometimes derogatory, sometimes endearing term for a Canadian lumberjack. I don’t know what that has to with Orcas. To me this is akin to the Kings having a pigeon as their logo. Or the Washington Redskins adopting a bunny for their jerseys. No matter how you slice it, that team in Vancouver is wrong.

Wrong name. Wrong logo. Wrong ginger twins (although to be fair, there are no ‘right’ ginger twins). Wrong goalie. Wrong psychotic fanbase. Wrong side of the playoff line.

Although in the past, life has proven to be anything but just, buoying the wrong Canucks to the right side of league standings, this year the Canucks are not off the rip roaring start their bafflingly entitled fans demand of them. The Canucks, like the Kings, boast a losing record. Unlike the Kings, however, Roberto Luongo, despite his inflated salary, has been unable to bring their team the overtime loss points that Quick has managed. Interestingly, the Canucks sit two points behind the Kings, but have a better goal differential by a margin of 2. The Kings retain an honor shared currently only by the Tampa Bay Lightning (no, I’m not talking about the boredom award), as the two teams who manage to sit in the top 8 of their respective conferences while maintaining a negative goal differential. Fun, huh?

In the spirit of empathy, I’m going to put on my Canucklehead hat and demand something of my own team, a win tonight. Beating Nashville is great. Snapping a 5 game skid is important. However you are only as good as your next game. The Kings must string together a few wins here. Not just for their own sake, or Terry Murray’s, but for mine, damnit. I’ve had to miss the last two home games. I had to miss the home opener. That means that so far this season I’ve attended 3 games. Dallas, New Jersey and Edmonton. In those 3 games, I’ve seen the Kings score one goal. Win one game. Leave me pleased once. 33% success rate is only considered good in baseball, and any sport where you can only use your feet is stupid. I don’t think I can handle 25%. If I don’t see another win with some good goals during a good game soon, I’m going to scream, and not in the rah-rah way to which I’m accustomed. More in the brooding, seething, primal mind screamy kind of way. The kind that sours my dreams and scares the cat.

So please, Kings, win for fuck’s sake. Doughty, build on getting the goal monkey off your back and try to remember to play defense in the process. Penner, like the team, let’s go ahead and string together two good games. Kopi, keep on truckin’ my man. Bury these confused dildos from the North. Burn their blubber and their firewood.


There’s the connection. Lumber and Orcas. The destruction of both by fire keep me warm through the night.