Shutting off the TV after the Kings lose to San Jose 4-2

OK, I’ve sobered up, the time for ranting is over. Now it’s time to think about what I’m going to do. The numbers don’t lie. We are a very mediocre team, and our record shows it. Take away Jon Quick’s stellar play and Jack Johnson’s two overtime winners, and this team is shoveling shit in the basement. Hell, we can even give the Columbus Blow Jobs a run for their money. Who is the fucking idiot who came up with that team’s name anyway? Didn’t he see the irony in choosing the initials ‘b’ and ‘j’? The sad thing is,we’ve only scored two more goals than they have in one more game so who’s laughing now? We stink, and I really need a drink.

So, what am I going to do? It is obvious ‘The Diplodocus’, otherwise known as our head coach, is as useless as Johnny Wadd after the coke took away the only thing the poor SOB ever had going for him. I’m through hearing about how Ted Purcell failed to play a ‘heavy’ game or how Matt Moulson didn’t fully commit to being a ‘complete’ player. The reality is both of them are very useful NHL players who came into their own under another coach who knew how to get the best out of them. Making it worse, Dean got squat in return for both of them. We even had to throw in a God damn draft pick with Purcell to get Jeff ‘The Invisible Man’ Halpern for a playoff run. I guess the abrasives had worn off his sandpaper by the time we got him. For some reason, that sort of shit seems to happen a lot around here. To add insult to injury, I have to dig deep into my wallet to replace these guys who were under our control.

But, that is only part of the story. How does Alex Frolov go from a budding superstar with 71 points in 2007 to being a shell of himself after two years of playing under the Diplodocus? I’m sure Alexei Ponihoweverthefuckyouspellhisname is really glad he signed here. He goes from scoring near 20 goals for five straight seasons to potting only 5 once our Saurapod worked his magic on him. Hey, Alexei, did your career counselor have the last name ‘Murray’? I am just so ecstatic we pissed away $3 million just so we could put the poor guy in a position to fail while destroying any value he may have had left as a free agent. Jeez, talk about negative synergies. Where did I put that damn thirty year old Scotch?

Now, I get to watch this act play out again. Yeah, that fat ass Penner was out of shape when he got here, but he has never played this bad in his career, has he? The poor guy looks like he has no frigging clue what he is doing out there. We gave up some real value for him and now we’ll be lucky get a late rounder for some sap to take his salary off our books. Just watch, though, I’ll bet a lay with his girlfriend he’ll be back scoring lots of goals for whomever trades for him. And then you just know Dean will turn around and tell me not too worry because Penner never had the Kings logo branded on his butt. What a moronic benchmark for a standard of success. Do you think that Ruskie Dats-yuck gives two shits about the hell hole called Detroit? And does that sister-lover Brodeur love driving through raw sewage on his way to work? No they just want to win, and the tattoos only come after the Cups. If I can win with a bunch of selfish shitheads who only care about themselves, I’m doing it. And, since when does Andre down at the ink shop get to decide who plays for us?

You look at the great coaches in pro sports, they have two things in common. They never put players in a position where they lack the skills needed to succeed and they adapt their systems to the talents of the players on the roster. Our coach has brilliantly figured out a way put players in situations where they can’t possibly execute while forcing them to play a system that does not maximize their talents. Why not cast Ron Jeremy into a Disney movie, Terry? You know, the scene where the cute kitty is facing the puppy and all of a sudden Jeremy’s dick comes out and body slams the kitty into the ground. The genius turns Mike Richards into a fucking perimeter player for Christ’s sake while at the same time asking Penner to play on the stopper line. It’s as if I asked Luc to tell me the difference between a balance sheet and an income statement rather than allowing him to be our spokesman, something for which he is uniquely suited. Hey, Murray, wake up you douche bag, the Jurassic Period ended 200 million years ago. Ever heard of evolution? The game has changed and you haven’t. We have more talent than at any time since we’ve been here, and WE SUCK!

The schedule is working against me. We have three games left the rest of the week so I can’t make a change now. But, if we don’t get 5-6 points in the next three games, Diplodocus is gone. If Lombardi doesn’t like it, he is history too, but I know he loves his job too much to not to go along. The problem is where do I go for a replacement? We already had a pee wee coach here and that didn’t work out. Who asks professional athletes to take silly written tests that a kindergartener could pass and slides notes to his boys under the door at night like mommy? Luc loves the guy in Phoenix, and I bet he wants to come back to a place where at least a quarter of the seats are actually filled during games, but how do we get him? Can we trade for him? With Hitch off the market, the pickings are really slim. And, we’re hardly the only team looking to make a change. All I know is I am making the choice as Dean is 0-2 when it comes to head coaches. Why does he love those retreads who insist on making the same mistakes that got them fired from their last job? He’s not getting another chance as this is too important. The shit just hit the fan.