Reading Tim Leiweke’s Mind Part II

Shutting off the TV after the Kings lose to San Jose 4-2

OK, I’ve sobered up, the time for ranting is over. Now it’s time to think about what I’m going to do. The numbers don’t lie. We are a very mediocre team, and our record shows it. Take away Jon Quick’s stellar play and Jack Johnson’s two overtime winners, and this team is shoveling shit in the basement. Hell, we can even give the Columbus Blow Jobs a run for their money. Who is the fucking idiot who came up with that team’s name anyway? Didn’t he see the irony in choosing the initials ‘b’ and ‘j’? The sad thing is,we’ve only scored two more goals than they have in one more game so who’s laughing now? We stink, and I really need a drink.

So, what am I going to do? It is obvious ‘The Diplodocus’, otherwise known as our head coach, is as useless as Johnny Wadd after the coke took away the only thing the poor SOB ever had going for him. I’m through hearing about how Ted Purcell failed to play a ‘heavy’ game or how Matt Moulson didn’t fully commit to being a ‘complete’ player. The reality is both of them are very useful NHL players who came into their own under another coach who knew how to get the best out of them. Making it worse, Dean got squat in return for both of them. We even had to throw in a God damn draft pick with Purcell to get Jeff ‘The Invisible Man’ Halpern for a playoff run. I guess the abrasives had worn off his sandpaper by the time we got him. For some reason, that sort of shit seems to happen a lot around here. To add insult to injury, I have to dig deep into my wallet to replace these guys who were under our control.

But, that is only part of the story. How does Alex Frolov go from a budding superstar with 71 points in 2007 to being a shell of himself after two years of playing under the Diplodocus? I’m sure Alexei Ponihoweverthefuckyouspellhisname is really glad he signed here. He goes from scoring near 20 goals for five straight seasons to potting only 5 once our Saurapod worked his magic on him. Hey, Alexei, did your career counselor have the last name ‘Murray’? I am just so ecstatic we pissed away $3 million just so we could put the poor guy in a position to fail while destroying any value he may have had left as a free agent. Jeez, talk about negative synergies. Where did I put that damn thirty year old Scotch?

Now, I get to watch this act play out again. Yeah, that fat ass Penner was out of shape when he got here, but he has never played this bad in his career, has he? The poor guy looks like he has no frigging clue what he is doing out there. We gave up some real value for him and now we’ll be lucky get a late rounder for some sap to take his salary off our books. Just watch, though, I’ll bet a lay with his girlfriend he’ll be back scoring lots of goals for whomever trades for him. And then you just know Dean will turn around and tell me not too worry because Penner never had the Kings logo branded on his butt. What a moronic benchmark for a standard of success. Do you think that Ruskie Dats-yuck gives two shits about the hell hole called Detroit? And does that sister-lover Brodeur love driving through raw sewage on his way to work? No they just want to win, and the tattoos only come after the Cups. If I can win with a bunch of selfish shitheads who only care about themselves, I’m doing it. And, since when does Andre down at the ink shop get to decide who plays for us?

You look at the great coaches in pro sports, they have two things in common. They never put players in a position where they lack the skills needed to succeed and they adapt their systems to the talents of the players on the roster. Our coach has brilliantly figured out a way put players in situations where they can’t possibly execute while forcing them to play a system that does not maximize their talents. Why not cast Ron Jeremy into a Disney movie, Terry? You know, the scene where the cute kitty is facing the puppy and all of a sudden Jeremy’s dick comes out and body slams the kitty into the ground. The genius turns Mike Richards into a fucking perimeter player for Christ’s sake while at the same time asking Penner to play on the stopper line. It’s as if I asked Luc to tell me the difference between a balance sheet and an income statement rather than allowing him to be our spokesman, something for which he is uniquely suited. Hey, Murray, wake up you douche bag, the Jurassic Period ended 200 million years ago. Ever heard of evolution? The game has changed and you haven’t. We have more talent than at any time since we’ve been here, and WE SUCK!

The schedule is working against me. We have three games left the rest of the week so I can’t make a change now. But, if we don’t get 5-6 points in the next three games, Diplodocus is gone. If Lombardi doesn’t like it, he is history too, but I know he loves his job too much to not to go along. The problem is where do I go for a replacement? We already had a pee wee coach here and that didn’t work out. Who asks professional athletes to take silly written tests that a kindergartener could pass and slides notes to his boys under the door at night like mommy? Luc loves the guy in Phoenix, and I bet he wants to come back to a place where at least a quarter of the seats are actually filled during games, but how do we get him? Can we trade for him? With Hitch off the market, the pickings are really slim. And, we’re hardly the only team looking to make a change. All I know is I am making the choice as Dean is 0-2 when it comes to head coaches. Why does he love those retreads who insist on making the same mistakes that got them fired from their last job? He’s not getting another chance as this is too important. The shit just hit the fan.



Categories: L.A. Kings News, Surly & Scribe Skits

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12 replies

  1. It’s 11-11-11, can I use my wish to make this actually be what he’s thinking?

  2. This makes me depressed. It’s all so glaringly obvious to us fans, but the problem is the only way us fans can say anything is with our pocket book, and that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. So, I guess we have to continue are sit back and watch this car wreck of a system ruin good players, but it’s cool because we made the playoffs two years in a row. Yay us.

    • I wouldn’t worry too much. Upper management from TL and DL down read these blogs to gauge the mood of the fans. You better believe they sense the disappointment and the expectations. I would go so far as to say tomorrow might be Terry’s last game since we have three days off to make a change.

  3. WOW… are you sure you sobbered up?
    Have only read a couple of your posts here..and liked what I have read..
    Time to vent huh..I am in a state of numbness.. as said previoulsy.. was SO Excited for the season to start.. All my Hope.. all my non working hours really being ready to feel good due to being a LA King Fanatic.. now I am feeling gloomy.. jusT tlike the weather.. and I even went to the Nashville game and saw a
    win. But being realistic we did not play a solid 60 .. we were bi–polar.. etc..came away with uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach..have to live in the real world.. cannot always be making the excuses.
    I agree with your accessment of Purcell..(although he wasn’t one of my favorites) Moulson.. he really came into his own.. Do not forget Brian Boyle.. his season last year was fabulous.. have not watched Rangers this year so do not know of recent( they seem to have some internal problems as well.. good group of players but not getting the job done).
    My beloved Fro.. I google KHL weekly and can see video clips of the Avangard..
    He is back to shooting in front of the net.. confidence back!
    Poni I was determined not to like, he being a Fro replacement but after a while I could not help myself.. but he stood no chance with us.
    Penner .. was a guy I liked back in the suck day.. (hope you all are not thinking I have terrible taste ? ) .. and I have been optimistic that he will find himself.. great hands.. great with the deceptive no look pass..( the ex says he is a lazy skater who doesn’t want to exert himself) . But Howard has it Exactly right.. When we have a frustrating and shit game like last night.. I tend to wander to individual players and isolate them rather then follow the puck.. Pens is friggin lost! Goes to the net..as eveyone here preaches..and then doesn’t know when he is supposed to get involved in the play.. I watched him constantly looking.. at where he should be not being secure enough just to go there.. he does not understand
    this system at all.
    I And, since when does Andre down at the ink shop get to decide who plays for us?
    Hilarious!
    I think the Shit is hitting the fans.. I do not like it ..Not at All
    GO KINGS GO!!!

  4. Respectfully, I agree with most of that, but I don’t quite understand the trend lately with you guys to write these bits where you sort of mock up what someone else is supposedly thinking and attribute your own thoughts to them. Skits? Meh. Take off the Tim Leiweke title, switch a few “I’s” to “they’s,” and you’ve stated your own opinion quite nicely. Might as well own it. Sure, his name catches my eye, but you don’t need it.

    • With Bobby and I its meant to be funny either in the connotation that we wish whoever we are paroding would say those things or That It would be funny if they did.

      This one from Howard, I believe he thinks That Lieweke is thinking down these lines, with the obvious embellishment of his own opinions. Its not purely Howard saying I think This or that, but also that he believes or wouldn’t be surprised if Tim was thinking it as well. Its a funny way of commenting on the pressure from ownership. Its in skit form because we like skits. Although This series is pretty different from the stuff Bobby and I have Done, Howard is just startingto come out of his creative shell and we support That. Its rare for someone with the business acumen That he has to possess levity and comedic inclinations.
      I think you have to break things up in this way. Even if the function is essentially the same as a normal opinion article, its healthy to switch form from time to time.

      What’s the Fun in Adam Sandberg coming out and saying ‘i think rappers on boats are silly’? Much better to write a song and mock them.

  5. I say we make Barry Melrose an offer he can’t refuse!!!

  6. “We already had a pee wee coach here”

    This made me laugh, because in the mid-late 90’s I was playing against Shattuck St. Mary’s when he was the coach of their Midget team.

  7. Way to keep with the humor and strong writing Roark!

    Speaking of funny, writing ROARk reminds me of the Katt Williams skit/topic about the zoo Tigers…..rooooar! :)

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