3 People That Piss Me Off – Surly’s Rules of Hockey Fan Etiquette

It’s inevitable, someone pisses me off every game. Usually more than one person. Usually three. I don’t call myself ‘Surly’ to be ironic.

This article, the first of a series, is an appeal to these fans who irritate me so, to stop their bastardly behavior and also for those who encounter them to take action. A dirty look here, an elbow jab there, a flurry of curses and slurs, we all must do our part. The following offenders may be a specific individual, or just a single numbskull representing a larger group. This first one is of the latter variety and has driven me crazy for years.

All the ladies who refuse to stand when you are going to or away from your seat. You know the ones, everyone stands to let you by, and then there is this one woman, with her misshapen legs simply shoved to the side, one of the few times her thighs are actually closed. Women, stand the fuck up please. I know you think you can just tuck in your legs because you’re just so dainty, such a delicate thing. You’re not. Your boyfriend’s legs are skinnier than yours and he has the courtesy to rise, what’s your excuse? Start standing soon or I’m gonna start knocking kneecaps.

Guy in front of me. Yeah, you, with the slicked back hair and stench of feigned success. You’re not allowed to wear a frumpy blue scarf around your sheltered pretentious neck AND have a sparkly diamond stud earring sticking out the side of your ugly head. I don’t know anything about you, but what you call clothing yourself is giving me a pretty good idea. It’s bogus and you look like even more of an asshole than I’m sure you are. I’m no fashion guru, but based off the last 10 minutes, I dislike everything about you. Those aren’t your seats. You’re standing in my line of sight and your phone would look better jammed down your throat than it does glued to your hand. You’re not even using it, what the fuck are you waiting for, put it in your pocket! How about the next time you are out of date ideas for your plastic girlfriend, scratch ‘Go to a Kings game’ off your list. Although you did leave halfway through the second period, so apparently you got the memo.

To the Event Planning staff, or whoever the hell is in charge of this shit, that was one of the worst renditions of the National Anthem I’ve ever heard. Don’t do that, ever again. That cocktette of barber shop bungholes actually made me like America less. For those who had the fortune of missing this abomination, it was 5 black guys singing like white Eunuchs, harmonizing the anthem to a tune to which it has never once been sung. I let them know, loudly, how I felt as they stumbled their way towards tarnishing a good song. You may think I’m the dick for talking during the anthem, but based off how much of an abortion that was, screw you guy giving me a dirty look. It’s not disrespectful to disrespect someone disrespecting the way your anthem is sung. That’s a double negative, Bobby and yes, this is math.

Well, that’s it for this week’s spat of intolerance. Until next time I venture into a large public crowd and return with memories I’d rather not have, stay cheery. :)

Categories: L.A. Kings News


36 replies

  1. lol awesome. have had some of those very thoughts most games. my gf is always steering me away from a fight

  2. Well, while we are being Surly, may I direct my wrath at the people who sit in the upper section and immediately lean forward all the way in their seat?
    It’s the tragedy of the commons. If everyone puts their ass and back against the seat, then everyone can see the entire ice surface. If one person leans all the way forward, then everyone has to do the same.
    Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about exciting moments of play, power plays, two-one-ones, loose puck near the net, breakouts, last minutes of a game.
    I’m talking 18:00 left in the 1st, faceoff at center ice, and that same greasy hair bastard you are referring to, at least the version that sits in my section, is leaning all the way forward.
    To him, and to all of you who didn’t take their ritalin that day, here’s a mnemonic device: “Ass and back against the seat, I won’t be kicked by angry feet”.
    Oh, and Surly, I kind of liked the National Anthem. At least it wasn’t another 15 year-old Disney channel “star” bleating out the same thing night after night.

    • Lol. I like my anthem’s simple. A singer could and should put their own feeling and emotion to it, but they shouldn’t stray from the way the anthem is supposed to be sung. The anthem isn’t a blank canvas for you to mold to your style, its a painting for you to show us and tell us how you feel about it. Some of the 15 year olds are good, some are crap. In general, I dislike about 80% of the people who sing the anthem. Lorelei Sinco (Cinco?) and Davis Gaines are the best. The lady who sang the game before was terrible too, that big titted fool who everyone loved because every time she bleated out a verse she bounced up and down and so too did her giant boobs. She was the kind of awful that takes the anthem as her opportunity to show off all the stupid shit she can do with her voice, instead of just singing the thing with some emotion the way it’s supposed to be sung.

      As for leaning forward, I admit I’ve been a culprit of this at times. My first year in my seats, the guy behind me had to pester me every game till I got used to it. I still don’t sit all the back, because I’m fidgeting and incapable of sitting still or straight, but I sit back and lean forward a little, so as to not impede anyone’s view.

      • Davis Gaines????????? Super plastic fantastic guy???? Ow I just passed a kidney stone guy??? The stench of the guy in front of you is infiltrating your mind.

        And I represent the girls who do stand up…thank you in advance!

        Like the article though…made me laugh and choke on my tea…thanks! :)

        • Hey don’t you knock Gaines! He’s got passion and soul. He looks ridiculous and part of what makes him so great is he pulls off what few can – being passionate AND hilarious. He sings the song the right way but also in his own way. Just wait till the next time he’s there, look down to me and I”ll show you how to enjoy a Davis anthem.

      • Anything is better than Warren Wiebe.

      • Oh man that’s one of my pet peeves with singers. can’t stand singers who embellish every single note. Its basically a requirement in r&b, hiphop, slojamzzzzz or whatever the fuck label that shiity music gets. Sustain that note bitch.

        I think its just a way to disguise an ordinary voice.

  3. Thank goodness we don’t have to endure the awful and incessant blowing of duck calls in the inferior arena to the south of Staples.

    But in all the hockey games I watch on TV each year, EVERY single arena has the same universal problem: people standing or walking (slowly) to/from their seat while play is in session. Even in Detroit, which you’d think should know better.

  4. May I respectfully add the “lower bowl uptights” to the list? Some of us actual hockey fans who cheer on our team occasionally score seats in the 100’s and 200’s, when the hockey gods, finances, and schedule allow. (And to you season seat holders that use StubHub, I am personally grateful.) When we sit there, we watch the game and react accordingly. My reaction to something on the ice is appropriate. You would know that if you watch the game. Why am I alway stuck next to the pencil-necked giraffe with fake tits, bleach-dried hair and leather pants; and her Abercrombie’d, sweater-wearing, “I’m a local because I can find Philippe’s with Yelp on my iPhone”, husband/boyfriend/boytoy/last minute substitute? Those aren’t your seats any more than they are mine. Get over yourself.

  5. You and my daughter @emilycecileee need to sit together. Everyone that sits around us annoys her as well!

  6. I’ve never sat up top at Staples but I can guarantee you guys have probably heard me before from the lower bowl. I lose my voice at every game I attend.

    For the blowhards that are down there, for the most part, the corporate perk pricks that talk all game about their stupid office shit piss me off, but what are you going to do? A couple games ago, that slick-haired douche you referred to was sitting behind me trying to impress his date. I wanted to laugh at his absolute lack of hockey acumen only because he was spouting off like he knew what he was talking about to impress his flavor of the week. Alas, turning around and saying, “Dude, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about and you’re pissing me off,” would be akin to asking our senators to take a pay cut. Just isn’t going to do anything productive.

    For the women who exercise an inflated sense of modern day feminism, lean down and explain to her that, “if you don’t stand up, I’m going to be put in the awkward position of having the guy in front of you try my ass on as a hat and he’s probably not going to like that. Then we’re going to get in a fight and before you know it, your precious little Ducks jersey is going to be covered with nacho cheese and that shit doesn’t come out!”

    That or just stand there looking at her until she invites you to pass, which would most likely be accompanied by a rude gesture implying you’re an asshole, then explain to her, “Sorry, miss. I don’t think I’m sober enough to squeak through that small of a space without causing some form of unwanted injury to you. Also, I really don’t want to fuck up those nice witchy-lookin’ pointed-toe shoes you got on.”

    Finally, if she feels like sitting down while you try to navigate the precious 8″ of space she’s leaving you, ask if she prefers your ass or your cock in her face while you pass. If she chooses your cock, tell her it’s going to cost her $5

    If no reaction, tell the dude in front of her, “Excuse me, sir. This self-indulgent piece of trash behind you thinks I can fit through while she stays seated. I asked her if she prefers my ass or my dong in her face while I pass and she chose my ass. Is it okay if I rub my balls on the back of your head for a couple seconds? I’ll give you five bucks.”

    • Geez, Ben, that was almost as funny as Surley’s article. LOL! I get bugged by the people sitting by me too. I’m in the 100’s and there are only a few familiar faces each game and they are cool. It’s the others that obviously come only once in a while and stand around looking important. You guys should do what I do. I scream really really loud in quiet moments. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSS!
      People give me dirty looks, and then they move. :-)

      A couple games ago Angel was a few rows in front of us. (David Boreanez) and he and his son and entourage would keep leaving a few minutes before the period was over. And they would duck like they didn’t want to be noticed. Except how can you not notice them when the whole group gets up and leaves at the same time early! I assume because they are too important to walk up the stairs with us? Anyway, last time just pissed me off so as they crept up the stairs I stood up and screamed “hey Angel – we love you so much!” This was accompanied by lots of arm waving. lol. They never came back – mission accomplished.

    • Lol. Seriously awesome comment Ben. Now stop upstaging me ya funny bastard.

  7. I have season seats in 315 a few rows back, I agree on the asshole with the scarf, looked like Jake Busey but with a girly touch……the biggest morons always seem to get the seat next to me. The game against Chicago had a douche bag who was talking to his date saying he could take Williams’ spot on the roster and beat up Dan Carcillo, it wad almost comical as to the ammount of bullshit spewing out of his mouth the entire game……and last night the dickhead sharks fans next to me kept calling the ref “blue” when the fuck did this turn into a baseball game? Wondering how long til the next Jackass wanders into section 315

    • I know…why suddenly is our section being flooded with the enemy??? Who invited them??? There is a lot more than the previous couple of years.

  8. Agree with all the above, especially people who lean forward in their seats. I am not very tall and so have difficulty seeing over some people as it is. When the idiots lean forward in their seats I feel like punching them hard in the kidneys. “Sit back you stupid m*********er! Then there are those people who seem to forget they are in a public stadium and think they are at home in their living rooms. Go ahead dude, stand up, stretch, forget to sit your ass back down after a certain play causes you to get on your feet, don’t worry about anyone else trying to watch the game, I will just kill you if you don’t sit down. Oh, and the girls next to me, in front or behind, I really don’t care who ‘texted’ you, what they said and what you are going to tell them. Yes, you guessed it, I really should not go out in large public gatherings. These are just some of the reasons I gave up season seats and watch on tv where I cannot hurt anyone…..Now about those ‘glass bangers’ rinkside…..oh, never mind.

    • Yess…Righteous post (he says to the person that agrees with him). Sometimes I take a picture of “my view”. That seems to clarify things for them.

  9. Agree with you on these annoying “fans”. I sit in the lower bowl and I always have some idiot that thinks if they are on the glass or one row back they need to stand up everytime the friggin puck gets near the net. They are now nicknamed in our section as “jackass in the box”. Apparently standing up in front of everyone else is allowed when you sit that close. I ALWAYS have to yell at them to “sit the fuck down asshole. You have better seats than me!”.
    I going to just start throwing rocks. It will save my voice for the goals and give me more target practice.

  10. I was fortunate to get excellent tickets last night “down below” in the lower bowl. Being used to being up top near Surly, I am always actively participating and screaming at the top of my lungs. Lo & behold, I got next to a couple in business attire on one side, a fricken family from San Jose on the other and a bunch of other business douche-bags in every other direction. I didn’t see one Kings jersey within 10 seats of any direction. I kept up to my usual self and screamed at the top of my lungs at the duh, duh, duh, duh, duh “San Jose Sucks; as well as yelling toward the ice at plays, calls, etc. Boy, what a fucking uptight bunch of bitches in the lower bowl. I got looked at like I was the fucking crazy one. Come on people….your at a damn sporting event, not church. Also, there is absolutely NO hocket etiquette in the lower bowl. People coming and going as they please during play is at a maximum down there. I will be very happy to be back home in 314 on Thursday.

  11. oh i so hope your talking about the girl that was in my group. lol.. i didn’t pay much attention if she stood or not for you guys.

  12. Well…..Someone was feeling sassy this morning. I hope you do some knee knockin, and that woman grabs your junk and makes you say uncle. lol

  13. I can’t wait until I hear the stories from the Habs game Saturday – Is there any such thing as “Unintentional murder?”

    • Its a hard night for me. I’m a Kings fan first and foremost but I was born in Montreal. They are my 2nd fav team. This is really the first game i”ll attend where I’m going to have to hate the Habs. Should be interesting.

  14. if someone is standing because they’re into the game, i’ve got no love for complaining about it from behind. stand up too. you got a great place to sit and watch, at home on your couch. reminds me of the mormon zombies asking me to stay seated so they could see the goals at the SLC olympics. no way. throw rocks and get taught about Metta.

    • So you stand during random portions of the game, like during line changes? Or do you stand when something exciting happens and stay standing until the next whistle? Or do you just stay standing throughout the game, using the chair as a rest spot for commercial breaks?

      I don’t think anyone has a problem with standing for spurts of intense action. We all do that. The people we are talking about aren’t standing because of the game. They are just stretching or standing for 30 seconds while they decide if the want to leave their seat in the middle of play, or when they get to their seats they take their sweet ass time sitting down. Ive had people start conversations while standing in front me. These people arent paying any attention to the game.

      You know years and years ago I loved to stand trough the whole game so what did I do? Got tickets in the last row.

  15. To the Event Planning staff, or whoever the hell is in charge of this shit, that was one of the worst renditions of the National Anthem I’ve ever heard.

    … I guess I must not be “patriotic” enough or whatever, but the anthem before every game is a silly antiquated tradition that needs to be retired.

    To have these singers perform the anthem as if they were on American Idol is all the more annoying. If it must be done, I’d rather see it done like this. Less is more.

    • I’m with ya. No idea why they still do the anthem before sporting events. Should we all start singing ‘Stars and Stripes Forever’ before we watch our favorite TV shows?


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 4,286 other followers

%d bloggers like this: