3 People That Piss Me Off – Surly’s Rules of Hockey Fan Etiquette
It’s inevitable, someone pisses me off every game. Usually more than one person. Usually three. I don’t call myself ‘Surly’ to be ironic.
This article, the first of a series, is an appeal to these fans who irritate me so, to stop their bastardly behavior and also for those who encounter them to take action. A dirty look here, an elbow jab there, a flurry of curses and slurs, we all must do our part. The following offenders may be a specific individual, or just a single numbskull representing a larger group. This first one is of the latter variety and has driven me crazy for years.
All the ladies who refuse to stand when you are going to or away from your seat. You know the ones, everyone stands to let you by, and then there is this one woman, with her misshapen legs simply shoved to the side, one of the few times her thighs are actually closed. Women, stand the fuck up please. I know you think you can just tuck in your legs because you’re just so dainty, such a delicate thing. You’re not. Your boyfriend’s legs are skinnier than yours and he has the courtesy to rise, what’s your excuse? Start standing soon or I’m gonna start knocking kneecaps.
Guy in front of me. Yeah, you, with the slicked back hair and stench of feigned success. You’re not allowed to wear a frumpy blue scarf around your sheltered pretentious neck AND have a sparkly diamond stud earring sticking out the side of your ugly head. I don’t know anything about you, but what you call clothing yourself is giving me a pretty good idea. It’s bogus and you look like even more of an asshole than I’m sure you are. I’m no fashion guru, but based off the last 10 minutes, I dislike everything about you. Those aren’t your seats. You’re standing in my line of sight and your phone would look better jammed down your throat than it does glued to your hand. You’re not even using it, what the fuck are you waiting for, put it in your pocket! How about the next time you are out of date ideas for your plastic girlfriend, scratch ‘Go to a Kings game’ off your list. Although you did leave halfway through the second period, so apparently you got the memo.
To the Event Planning staff, or whoever the hell is in charge of this shit, that was one of the worst renditions of the National Anthem I’ve ever heard. Don’t do that, ever again. That cocktette of barber shop bungholes actually made me like America less. For those who had the fortune of missing this abomination, it was 5 black guys singing like white Eunuchs, harmonizing the anthem to a tune to which it has never once been sung. I let them know, loudly, how I felt as they stumbled their way towards tarnishing a good song. You may think I’m the dick for talking during the anthem, but based off how much of an abortion that was, screw you guy giving me a dirty look. It’s not disrespectful to disrespect someone disrespecting the way your anthem is sung. That’s a double negative, Bobby and yes, this is math.
Well, that’s it for this week’s spat of intolerance. Until next time I venture into a large public crowd and return with memories I’d rather not have, stay cheery. :)