Dean Lombardi Met With Darryl Sutter…And Surly Was There.

Surly and I can’t tell you how we know. We just know. Some missions are better left secret. This was Surly, once again, at his stealthy finest. Warrior. Hero. Lamb sent to slaughter who continually, somehow, survives…I bring you the fruits of his labor…and mine…

Dean Lombardi stood in the middle of his office. He cupped his hands to his mouth, blew and checked his breath. He sniffed each arm pit. He adjusted his jock to ensure rod and sack were centered.

“Don’t be nervous. Don’t be nervous,” he whispered to himself. He took a long, deep breath. “Stay calm.” The office door handle turned. Dean’s eyes welled up. His long-expected visitor walked in. “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God,” Dean squealed, tears pouring from his glassy eyes as he ran into Darryl Sutter’s arms.

“Oh, Darryl. Darryl, Darryl, Darryl.” Dean’s arms wrapped firmly around Sutter’s neck in a fixed embrace.

“Dean…” Darryl spoke through gasping breath. “It’s good to see you.”

Dean released his clasp and stepped back. “Good to see you? That’s it? Is that all you have to say…” Dean choked up, “…after all this time?”

“Ahhhh! Just kidding, buddy, it’s great to see you, Dean!” Darryl held his arms out. Lombardi leapt back into them. “It’s been a long time,” Sutter told Dean.

“It has. Too long. But, here we are, together again…” Dean admired Darryl’s beloved bitter beer face. “You have not aged a bit. Look at you! You look so good! I am sorry for everything that happened in Calgary. That hack, Feaster, is going to drive that franchise right into the ground. He is no Sutter brother.”

“Yeah, well, thank you…so, let’s sit down and talk about the Kings, eh?”

“You got it!” Dean exclaimed.

Lombardi sat in the captain’s chair at his desk and grabbed a note pad. Sutter took a seat in front, crossed his legs and placed both hands, clenched together, on his knees. “So, the team is struggling to score,” Darryl stated. Lombardi nodded his head. “The offense is predictable,” Sutter continued, “too much dump and chase without a forecheck, they stay along the boards, too much focus on the dot to boards and heavy game, not enough speed through the neutral zone, not enough puck possession in the offensive zone, not enough creativity, too much defense even when playing offense, that’s what you’re hearing and seeing, right?”

Dean pursed his lips and begrudgingly continued to nod his head.

“That is what I thought,” Darryl confirmed. The two men exchanged a moment in each other’s eyes. Darryl leaned forward. “Well, what the fuck is wrong with that!?” he shouted to a sudden boisterous laughter. Dean’s eyes welled up again. “That is old time hockey, baby!” Darryl slammed both palms on Dean’s desk. Dean leapt from his chair with a “fuck yeah!” and started pumping his right arm forward and back with a closed fist.

“What the fuck was that?” Darryl asked, confused.

Dean stood still. “Oh. Um. Apparently, they call that the Pumper Nicholl. I just learned about it.”

Sutter paused for a moment. “I hate it. Don’t do it again. We agreed back in San Jose, none of that sissy Euro crap.”

Dean plopped down on his chair. “Darryl, you don’t know what I have been through. I brought in Murray because he reminded me of you. I brought in Stevens because he reminded me of you…well, in an abject dull-witted way, but still, of you. I brought in Coupon…actually, I didn’t bring in Coupon, I am still not sure how he got this job.”

“Who the hell is Coupon?” Darryl asked.

Oh,” Dean smiled, “That’s what we call Jamie Kompon.”

Sutter and Lombardi chuckled. “You get what you pay for?” Darryl asked. “You get what you pay for,” Dean answered.

“Hey, you got some coffee in this place?” Sutter looked around.

“Oh, shit, where are my manners? Of course.” Dean pressed an extension on his phone. “Yes, Mr. Lombardi,” a woman’s voice answered. “Hey, Laurie, can you have one of those bloggers with press passes who exist to kiss our  asses bring some coffee for Mr. Sutter and I?”

“Right away, sir,” Laurie affirmed.

“Bloggers bring you coffee?” Darryl asked.

“Hammond refused to do it anymore. He claimed it was ‘insulting’ to his position as L.A. Kings Insider,” Dean responded, disappointed.

“Jesus, give a guy the title of ‘Insider’ and he starts to believe it…” Sutter was offended.

“Seriously…” Lombardi agreed. “Kids today, they are all pride and ego.”

Laurie called back. “Mr. Lombardi?”

“Yes, Laurie?”

“Sir, I cannot find any of those bloggers but I do have a Mr. Scribe on the phone for you. He says it’s urgent and he is trying to save you from making the biggest mistake of your career, sir.”

“Fucking Surly & Scribe,” Dean muttered. “Tell Mr. Scribe that he can go fuck…actually, you know what, Laurie, tell him I have taken to heart his recent, very well written articles and I have decided, after some reflection, he is right and Randy Carlyle will be the L.A. Kings next coach.”

“Yes, sir.” Laurie hung up the phone.

“Another blogger, eh?” Darryl asked.

“Yes. The biggest assholes of the bunch. They came out of nowhere over two years ago and they are like a wart on my dick…oh, and they’re going to love you…”

“Bring them on!” Sutter challenged.

“Sir,” Laurie called back again.

“Yes, Laurie,” Dean responded annoyed. “Mr. Scribe said to tell you thank you and you are a mother sutting, Duck loving douche bag for buying his bullshit.”

Lombardi pressed his right palm to his face. “Thank you, Laurie.”

“Yes, sir,” Laurie acknowledged.

“Mother sutting?” Darryl asked.

“No idea. Can’t win with those pricks,” Dean sighed.

“So, back on track, what are we going to do with these players?” Sutter asked.

“That is why you are here. You tell me,” Dean threw his hands in the air.

Darryl Sutter leaned forward again and squinted his eyes. “Are they broken?”

Dean thought for a moment. “Some are. Some are still holding out.”

“Interesting. I will need those names, the tough guys who are left with pride.”

“Right away,” Dean made a note on the yellow pad.

Sutter leaned back into his chair. “Did you have a talk with them after Murray’s firing?”

“I did,” Dean placed the pen and his head down.

“Uh, oh…what happened? You didn’t…”

“I did…” Lombardi wrung his hands together.

“Don’t worry about it. It happens,” Sutter encouraged. “Nothing wrong with crying in front of the troops. How they did respond?”

“Most of them laughed. Kyle Clifford left the room, mumbling something about being disgusted and meeting me in the parking lot later so, naturally, I’ve slept in my office the last two days…and Penner came to hold me but I pushed him away. I am nobody’s pansy!” Dean became angry.

“Damn right, you are not,” Darryl validated.

Lombardi took a deep breath. “You know it’s not about winning or losing anymore, right? Not after Murray.”

“Of course,” Darryl confirmed.

“This is personal. This has to get punitive. I am so tired of hearing Leiweke talk about wanting the Stanley Cup in L.A. That is all I hear. Bringing a Cup to L.A. means a football team. Bringing a Cup to L.A. means higher revenues for our partners and other investments. Bringing a Cup to L.A. means we can charge higher ticket prices.”

“Fuck him!” Darryl yelled.

“Exactly!” Dean agreed. “Fuck. Him!”

“Did he give you grief for trying to hire me?”

“Hell no”, Dean responded.

“What did you tell him?”

Dean tried to maintain a straight face. “I told him you are a former left wing who loved to score goals and the fresh outlook we need to fix this offense!”

Sutter chuckled. “And what did he say?”

“He said, ‘it’s all in your hands, Dean. We trust you’” Dean mimicked.

Darryl laughed out loud. Dean joined him. “It’s all in your hands,” Darryl copied. “We trust you,” Dean repeated. The two men let loose for several seconds in revel.

“But seriously, Darryl, can you do it? Can you break them, break the players, this team, this franchise, until there is nothing left of them except…” Dean trailed off, struggling to find the words.

“Except what, Dean?”

“Except…help me out here, this city’s noise, glitz and glamor has numbed my mind.  What did we used to call the perfect player?”

“Mike Ricci, Peace Be Upon Him,” Darryl uttered reverently, hanging his head in silent prayer.

“YES!”  Dean exclaimed. “Nothing left of this team but an army of Mike Riccis, Peace Be Upon Him. This is why I need you, Darryl.  You are the meat to my potatoes, the hamburger to my hill, the sand to my paper. Can you do it?”

“Of course, Dean but it won’t be easy. You have acquired a lot of talent here.”

“I know, and you are right,” Dean shook his head. “I was…stupid. I should have just done what I am good at.”

“Don’t worry, pal. We can fix this,” Sutter persuaded his old friend. “A couple of trades where we sell skill for bulk, take the players who won’t cooperate and break their will, free agency, first round picks that are off the board like that beauty, Hickey, we’ll be set in no time…”

“You make it sound so easy,” Lombardi responded.

“It’s going to take some work,” Sutter assured, “but the reward is in the results, when all 23 guys are going to be on the same page, a shadow of their former selves, no skill, no creativity, nothing buuuuuut…”

Dean Lombardi’s eyes widened, he jumped from his chair and clapped his hands together three times. “DE-FENSE!” clap, clap, clap.

Darryl Sutter leapt from his chair, “DE-FENSE!” clap, clap, clap.

Together, they bounced up and down. “DE-FENSE!” clap, clap, clap. “DE-FENSE!” clap-clap-clap…

Lombardi’s phone’s rang. “Sir,” Laurie called.

“Fuck off, Laurie!” Lombardi yelled.

“Yes, sir.”

“DE-FENSE!” clap-clap-clap.

Categories: L.A. Kings News, Surly & Scribe Skits

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32 replies

  1. Dean leapt from his chair with a “fuck yeah!” and started pumping his right arm forward and back with a closed fist.

    “What the fuck was that?” Darryl asked, confused.

    Dean stood still. “Oh. Um. Apparently, they call that the Pumper Nicholl. I just learned about it.”

    Sutter paused for a moment. “I hate it. Don’t do it again. We agreed back in San Jose, none of that sissy Euro crap.”

    classic….love it

  2. I’m in tears here…that was awesome!

  3. I’m crying with laughter and with real tears. We’re so fucked.

  4. … I would say to take solace in the fact that Sutter is only coming over to be a head coach, and not a GM. But then, I remember who our GM is, and I think, “what’s the difference?”


      Ooops. Sorry.
      Maybe you prefer the small letters?

      ha ha ha ha ha (done in the voice of andy kaufman)

      Actually, this is far more fun than winning a Stanley Cup
      well, on second thought

  5. We are going to be Shark chum. I just hope Timmy tells Dean, no more of your fucking loser friends.

    Timmy: I have been patient you pompous narcissistic fuck. We hired you because we had enough with the free agent band-aids that Taylor guy did.

    Timmy: Dean You are now trying to bring us more of your friends. This time from San Jose. From what I can see, his time in San Jose wasn’t that successful.

    Timmy: Dean you asked us to go out and spend more money, because you felt the team needed a few more pieces to bolster a team that should be Stanley Cup contender. We have backed your every move because we believed in you.

    Timmy: Dean, you told everyone in the media this was the team you built to get us a Stanley Cup. Everyone believed you, praised your building from the back out and solid drafts and prospects.

    Timmy: Dean you told us to give you 5 years and you would deliver. Dean we are now in year 6, and in serious jeopardy of missing the playoffs. If your team misses the playoffs this year, you will be relieved of your position in our organization.

    Timmy: Dean, we want to have a say, as to who you hire to replace Murray. Darryl has only one appearance in the Stanley Cup Final in 12 years of coaching. The previous guy coached for 15 years and only had one appearance in the Stanley Cup final.

    Timmy: Dean, you have lost our confidence in your choices for coaches. We don’t feel this Sutter guy is going to do anything to bail your ass out of this season. You need to look outside of your close knit group friends, for a replacement. No more of your friends.

    • … I’d rather see Tim fired than Dean or anyone else in the organization. If I was told I could remove one person, and only one, it would be an easy choice.

      Regardless of whether Murray deserved to be fired or not, the way it was handled was shitty and it makes the Kings look like an organization where leadership isn’t on the same page, isn’t pulling in the same direction. I can’t imagine that it was anyone but Tim who leaked that the Kings were “preparing” to fire Murray, and it was Tim who got Lombardi on a plane to go fire him after he’d already made a cross-country flight. If it was truly Dean’s decision, Terry would have never boarded the plane to Boston, and the replacement would have been lined up. Lombardi’s not a great GM in my opinion, but he never would have handled things in this manner if it were his call.

      Which leads to the question … if Tim is the one doing the firing, why doesn’t he just make himself GM? He obviously thinks he knows more about hockey than Dean does, so why not drop the pretense? Just fire Lombardi and wear his hat too. And for those who say that Leiweke as the GM would be a disaster – that ship has sailed. It’s already a disaster, and the closer Leiweke is to the hockey product, the more disastrous it will be.

  6. While Scribe and I are harping mostly on the system, which is why we don’t like the idea of Sutter, the one positive he does bring over Murray is player accountability. Lackluster play simply will not fly with Sutter like it did with Murray, and we could probably also expect for an end of veterans getting off the hook for the same mistakes rookies are demonized. So its not all bad… but its bad.

    It mostly upsets me that Sutter hasn’t been behind a bench in 5 years.

    • the one positive he does bring over Murray is player accountability

      … Player accountability in the form of negative reinforcement is just going to lead to more of a poisonous atmosphere surrounding the team than there is at the present time.

      I’d rather have a coach be patient with a team during its struggles than one who’s going to turn into a borderline lunatic. It’s not like the team is losing due to lack of effort or work ethic, here.

      Change the practice routine? I have no problem with it. Work on the team’s shooting? Great. Modify certain elements of the game plan and encourage puck possession on the offense? Awesome. Act like a deranged fool with no purpose? Doesn’t help anyone.

      • You had a coach who was patient with his players and look where that got him and the Kings. And all those changes you mentioned in the last place would never happen with Murray. He had many opportunities and never really changed much system wise.

      • “It’s not like the team is losing due to lack of effort or work ethic, here.”

        I agree but I am surprised to read that from you. I think I undertand though. I can’t recall why I believed that, but I had thought you were critical of the players’ efforts.

        • I can’t recall why I believed that, but I had thought you were critical of the players’ efforts.

          … I’m critical of their execution, not their effort. Their work ethic has been pretty strong to me, at least from what I’m seeing in the games.

          • By the player’s own admissions the effort (intensity) isn’t there.

            You have admitted there is an attitude problem before. I don’t see more than a small, subtle distinction between attitude, intensity and work ethic. I think the work ethic has been down for about 2 weeks.

          • By the player’s own admissions the effort (intensity) isn’t there.

            … Intensity, to me, means focus – which in turn means executing better. Intensity, to me, is far more mental than physical. Which leads me into

            You have admitted there is an attitude problem before.

            … Yes. The Kings need to become a stronger team mentally. Their collective confidence seems to be very easily destroyed, and that has to stop. They’re sagging their shoulders, they’re looking unsure of themselves and of their individual and collective talent. Physically, I think they’re putting in the work, but the work isn’t getting rewarded because of their mental approach to specific situations and to the game in general.

          • I think the two go hand in hand. Mental work is part of work ethic and when you aren’t focused, you may be expending energy skating, but you aren’t for example, following up with pick battles the way you would if you were focused. So the lack of focus inherently leads to a diminished physical effort. It’s why we get beat out for loose picks and rebounds and whatnot, which in turn helps to generate the bad luck we are having.

            You say we can’t be this unlucky forever. I beg to differ. If they don’t mentally pull their collective heads out of theirs asses they absolutely will continue to be this ‘unlucky’ because you may your own luck. The hokey gods are cruel but just and they lie in the hearts of every NHL player.

    • I suggest then that you read what Dutch said below (or above depending on where this shows up). I’m sure you did read it, and personally I agree with him.

      There guys started to play hockey as young kids, because it was fun. It brought them joy. Of course it’s different as a professional. Obvious. But if you stamp out the joy one has in doing something, then it’s not planting great soil to let something flourish.

      I predict they will win some games under Sutter. Even in anyone’s life, it’s rare that it goes That bad, for That long. It’s cycles. So eventually they’ll come out of that and get a different cycle but that would have happened with you behind the bench Surly.

      It’s one thing to bring in a ‘serious’ aspect. That’s even healthy. All the great ones were serious. Bowman, Arbour, Toe Blake (sorry, actually never saw him), Lemaire, whoever. But theres a big f’en difference between being serious, and being ‘heavy’. Look at that guys face! It has a very heavy energy about it. If they win the Stanley Cup the players will say it was all worth it. Does anyone on this blog really believe the Kings will win the Stanley Cup under Sutter? Well, probably DL as I assume he checks in from time to time, but not likely anyone else.

  7. I was among those who sent an email to TL asking him to veto a Sutter hire. Since then I’ve read all I can about the guy and I’m actually looking forward to him behind the bench if that is what indeed happens. I think the players may hate him, which is perfectly fine. My understanding of his own hatred for losing will mean that life will be fucking miserable if the Kings keep putting up L’s the way they are. If we are going to burn, at least this asshole will play the fiddle and losing will be emotional and ugly for everyone. And I don’t see that kind of culture breeding much more mediocrity.

    So long to boring, spineless coach commentary after losses about how hard the boys worked and that the bounces will come. That alone is almost worth it, no matter what happens.

    • We just have to hope the players will respond to such a message as Sutter brings as well as or worse than a fresher, younger coach who preaches responsibility and enthusiasm. Big difference, trying to encourage people through positivity (young new coach), stoic patience (Murray) or an iron fist (Sutter). I have a feeling the players would prefer the younger approach, but what players want and what players need aren’t always the same thing.

      • Right. At least according to Matthew Barry, the Kings want a young coach. And ultimately so do I. I’ve accepted what appears to be inevitable however and as you said what the players want and need can be different. So I leave open the fact that I don’t actually know what they need, and a Sutter hail mary is either going to get us there or it won’t, and DL will be making deals in the summertime or wondering where it all went wrong.

        I’m a huge DL supporter who has gotten to the point where I’m open to whatever happens. If they miss the playoffs or go out in the first round again and DL is fired, then so is Sutter and a new era will begin yet again, only one with a valuable team and infrastructure in place. I’ve been pissed enough the last few weeks to find my Zen on the season and watch the chips fall where they may.

  8. The hiring will result in a 5-10 year rebuild project. Yep I said it. 1-3 years of Sutter pissing off and alienating the existing players. Burning through or trading of the current ‘core’ and the existing prospects. More trading of draft picks to build a tough veteran team. In the end the result and product will be the same as every other organization he has worked for. Nothing. Except for the total overhaul and rebuild of the organization from top to bottom upon his departure. This will go down as the biggest disaster in the franchise’s history.

    • Hey sunshine. Turn that frown upside down. I don’t think it’s going to be anything like that. If the team is not winning by March, Dean is gone and so is Sutter. We are following in San Jose’s footsteps to a tee.

    • You are going a little overboard.

      I don’t like the hiring because we don’t need another D coach, but besides that, he’s not a bad coach. He’s pretty good.

      It’s like the military. You may hate your drill sergeant, but in the end you should come out a better person with self-responsibility, focus, etc. (not including how the war fucks you up, etc.).

      I have no problem with how Sutter acts towards his team. A bunch of pussies down on themselves needs an ass kicking. I only have a problem with hiring a D coach. He does preach driving to the net, so offense wise, I think we will see some good changes. Not enough to make us an elite offense or anything like that, but your average offense maybe.

    • This will go down as the biggest disaster in the franchise’s history.

      … I dunno, this is Kings’ history we’re talking about so that’s a mighty high bar to set.

      Honestly, I think Sutter’s going to get a very positive reaction by the end of the season. The problems with the offense are going to work themselves out, no matter who is behind the bench. The Kings can’t be this unlucky forever. So, what will happen is that the Kings will pull out of their slump, and Sutter will get the credit for that. Add to the mix Sutter’s rep for being a hardcore hardass, and there are going to be even more people in support of him for “standing up to those overpaid primadonnas”. If the team manages to get back into the playoff race and stay there, Sutter will be hailed as somewhat of a hero and a savior of the season.

      One of the things I hope will happen with Sutter is that – looking at Darryl’s career, and the careers of all the Sutters for that matter, those guys were grinders. They were excellent bottom six forwards, good along the wall, gritty, defensively responsible, and able to chip in the odd ten or so goals. Hopefully Sutter will look at the team and call upon his own experience to impress upon Lombardi that the bottom six as it stands isn’t going to get it done, and that the Kings need to make some deals or call up some people to improve that situation.

      The Kings need to lower their shots allowed per game, and that comes with not only good defense but good balance throughout the lineup. I don’t care how many (or how few) goals the team scores the rest of the season as long as they outscore their opponents, and I don’t want to hear about how teams need to be X in the league in scoring to win the Stanley Cup because the Kings don’t have a hope in hell of getting close to doing that anyway.

      If Sutter can help with that and get the RIGHT players out there on the ice in the RIGHT situations, he’ll be alright in my book. I think he’s fine as a head coach for now; as long as they don’t make him the GM, I’m cool with it. I find his hiring so amusing because it flies so much in the face of what so many perceive to be wrong with this team. I don’t mind a “wait and see” approach, here. I don’t think the Kings are anywhere near a Cup contender, nor were they ever near one, but they are better than this.

  9. I’m all for the accountability and hard nosed effort. It’s how I was taught to play as well. It’s how the game should be played every game, every period, every shift. You leave it all out there, or get off the ice.

    I just see this turning into a repeat of where this team has been before. Right back to the building via FA’s and trading for vets. I also am very concerned the guy hasn’t been behind a bench in 5 years. Firing Murray and replacing him with a younger version, but more hard nosed is just ridiculous.

    So accountability and hard nosed play I am fine with. Another retread, playing a system that has gotten LA no place I am not fine with.

    • Sutter is only 53. He looks 70. I was “really, younger?” when everyone kept referring to Sutter.

    • I think DL is walking a very fine line and for him to gamble on an unknown of a coach would make him look like more of an idiot if the coach turned out to be a complete loser. He’s going to go with the safest bet there is since they know each other so well. I don’t think he’s got much more chances to fuck this up.

      I don’t know much about Sutter so I can’t really say. I’ve read good and bad stuff about the guy. I just want the team to showcase what they really got and start loosening up a bit and put that shit in drive not reverse.

  10. This was the best one yet! I hope you looked in the mirror and said, “You know, sometimes I impress even myself”

  11. Good morning, boys. Think positive, we are one step closer to Carlyle. If it was mother Sutter, it’d happened already.

  12. That was freakin hilsrious!
    You are do much fun to read..esp when your creative juices are flowing.
    But I so do Not want Sutter.
    GO KINGS GO!!!


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