Things I Learned About Football By Not Watching The Superbowl

Look, it’s no secret Surly & I have one sport – hockey. That’s it. We are monogamous, though more than a little sadomasochistic.

The problem with this super “bowl” thing (other than it makes me think of weed) is you can’t get away from it. It’s like an airborne virus…a boring one. Anyway, here is what I learned.

It’s actually not played by puppies.

A goal is called a touchdown, even though you don’t touch anything once you score and the idea is to stay upright.

A goal is 7 points. The final score of tonight’s game was 21-17. It’s a 3 – 2.3333 league.

There is also a “field” goal, which is less than a goal. It’s like hitting the post and getting almost half a goal. I hope Gary Bettman isn’t reading this. Don’t want to give him any ideas.

The team called the Patriots is from “New England.” I am glad the dipshits lost. Pick a State.

This is their trophy.



This is a fucking trophy.

Jonathan Quick is a New York Giants fan. Matt Barry is a New York Giants fan. This is likely the only thing Quick and Barry have in common.

Back to this bowl thing. In college, they also have bowls, lots of them. In the professional version, it’s different and it’s “super.” Still makes me thing of weed.

The sport is basically a modern version of outdated warfare. They walk to a line, shoulder to shoulder and face their opponents who also stand shoulder to shoulder. Then, instead of leveling their muskets or rifles and firing a volley, they run into each other.

They play 16 games during the season. I learned did not learn this from Surly’s earlier post. 16 games. Basically, their season is the month of October and the first third of November. I am still unclear about their playoffs because I didn’t actually read Surly’s post.

Madonna is 50. I would still hit that.

This New York Giants’ quarterback, Eli Manning (that is the guy who throws Stewie Griffin’s head) has a 7 year, $106 million dollar contract…Dean Lombardi could never be a Football GM. His head would explode.

Categories: Surly & Scribe Humor

Tags: , , , , , ,

56 replies

  1. 16 games? So by being off by 6, I discounted almost a third of the season.

  2. I also do not care about all that Superbowl hysteria. Soccer is my religion.

  3. Yeah and that turd of a tropy hasn’t been around very long not like Stanley. I love our sport. See real men play hockey! 16 weeks is a season and they make how much? Our guys play 82 gms a season! And 4 of the original six was american teams! Sorry that was random. I have one question for everyone and it is about our kings team. Are the kings boring to watch with the exception of Quick? Check out some east coast games those keep you on the edge of your seat! Ok done with being so random! :-)

  4. Imagine if they turned the stanley cup into a bong…now that would be a fucking super bowl…

  5. I don’t always watch sports, but when I do I prefer hockey

  6. Every sport has its own rhythm, its own system for generating drama and suspense.

    In baseball and football, we WAIT for the events to happen. We WAIT for the pitch on a three-and-two count in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs and the home team behind by a run. We WAIT for Manning or Brady to receive the hike to move their teams up the field for a score. The excitement in these sports is actually in the interval between the events, in the build-up to that moment of release, which is a relatively small part of the show.

    Hockey, on the other hand, may be enhanced (or degraded) by fights or other distractions that take place after whistles are blown, but the real excitement is in the play itself.

    I was at two of L.A.’s classic come-backs — the first game of the Dodgers-As’ World Series, where Kirk Gibson hit that walk-off home run, and the Miracle on Manchester. Each victory was orgasmic in its own way.

    All the same, though, fuck baseball and basketball and football and futbol and everything but hockey.

    • Exactly (well said btw). The other thing I notice about American football is all the time in between plays. It could be up to two minutes! That is a wait! But, they “make” up for it with all of the replays, and talking about what we just saw. I work at a group home for developmentally disabled adults, and one of my guys does that too…talks about what you just saw as if you didn’t just watch it. Needless to say, it’s annoying, but I give him a pass. Football? Not so much, which brings up my favorite pointless, but fun, argument!

      “Who is tougher, Hockey players, or Football players?”

      Bobby made a great point. The amount of games in a single football season fits into just one month of play in hockey. How is that tough? This photo also shows so much more when we compare hockey with football

      Football players STAND AROUND longer than a hockey game is played!!! They just do nothing. How is that tough?

      It’s painfully obvious what game is better, and I think it says a lot about the people who watch each sport ;)

    • If you hadn’t written the last sentence I would have loved your post. Not that it isn’t great…. just didn’t need the ‘hard edge’ there, but no problem as I know thats your style.

      But the rest was a really great observation of the differences and that each has it’s own quality.

    • the first game of the Dodgers-As’ World Series, where Kirk Gibson hit that walk-off home run, and the Miracle on Manchester.

      … The two of those moments shouldn’t be in the same sentence, and it’s annoying to see them placed at or near the same level. Gibson’s home run was far more meaningful and the stakes were infinitely greater. The Kings’ moment in ’82 was significant – but only when compared with other moments in Kings’ history.

      All the same, though, fuck baseball and basketball and football and futbol and everything but hockey.

      … Aww, how adorable!

      • “Gibson’s home run was far more meaningful and the stakes were infinitely greater”

        I understand what you’re saying. But while I agree the “stakes” are greater for a comeback in a championship series than for an opening play-off round, I don’t think you’ve evaluated the full “meaning” of what the Kings accomplished.

        The Kings’ 0-5 comeback is the greatest in Stanley Cup history — all the more spectacular because it occurred with only about seventeen minutes left in regulation.

        But the series of which that “Miracle” was a part is itself fraught with records. The first game produced more goals than any other play-off game in history, and no team has ever performed a playoff upset over another team that outdistanced it by so many points in the regular season.

        Old-time baseball fans — even new ones — remark about the “Shot-Heard-Round-The-World” in the 1951 Dodgers-Giants play-off game. And if memory serves, in the same series where Gibson hit his home-run, Oakland returned the favor with a game-winning ninth-inning homer in its first home game.

        So what Gibson did — while it’s great and dramatic, as I who was there can personally attest — is certainly not unusual in baseball history.

        But what happened in the 1982 Kings-Oilers series has the sort of “meaning” that fuels more than simply the memory of Kings fans. It applies to ALL hockey fans and to all sports, and even beyond that. Mike Eruzione — who was doing TV color on NBC — reviewed the prospective playoff match-ups and mentioned with a smirk that the Oilers would walk through the Kings as though we weren’t even there. And THIS was a guy who had himself made his bones in a celebrated hockey upset.

        I remember how the Oilers on the bench laughed at the Kings’ pathetic efforts to get their power-play going — Edmonton scored two short-handed goals against us in that game. And EVERYONE knows which team was more talented. Wasn’t 1982 Gretzky’s great record-smashing year?

        So when L.A. beat Edmonton it was more than David beating Goliath. It was more than watching skill-in-action, more than simply a terrific scrap between two well-matched teams.

        It was proof positive that no player — and noBODY — should ever underestimate his opponent’s willingness to win. It was — and remains — a lesson in humility. That’s not a lesson confined to Kings fans — or even to all sports fans — alone. And it’s a lesson that MUST be learned by any team that dreams of winning the Stanley Cup.

        So you’ll forgive me for saying, Dutch, that all your regurgitated statistics don’t provide anywhere near the “meaning” of the Miracle on Manchester.

        • So what Gibson did — while it’s great and dramatic, as I who was there can personally attest — is certainly not unusual in baseball history.

          … Actually, it was the first time a World Series game had ever been won on a come-from-behind home run in the last inning. And, considering Gibson’s physical state and who he hit it off of (a Hall of Fame pitcher), it was even more unique.

          So you’ll forgive me for saying, Dutch, that all your regurgitated statistics don’t provide anywhere near the “meaning” of the Miracle on Manchester.

          … See, here’s the thing. I know all of the subtext of that ’82 series. I knew the extent of the mismatch, Gretzky’s 92-goal season, the Oilers laughing at the Kings, no one giving the Kings any respect at all (they didn’t deserve any, though), etc. etc. etc.

          The Miracle game was game 3. And yes, the Kings played an amazing 20 minutes of hockey, from Wells’ goal at 2:46 of the 3rd to Evans’ goal to win it at 2:35 of OT.

          I have all the games of that series on video, and what many people don’t realize is that during the first 40 minutes of game 3, the Kings probably played their worst hockey of the entire series. The Kings won game 1 and lost game 2; both games were very different but were both extremely close – they totally could have gone either way.

          There’s certainly something to be said about the Oilers taking the Kings lightly in the first three games, but if you ask me, the Oilers were simply getting tired near the end of regulation in game 3 and continued to be a tired team for the rest of that series. Sather just played his top guys too much, while the Kings were rolling over four lines. Guys like Evans and Nicholls barely played in the regular season, and were understandably not considered much by the experts or the Oilers, who figured that if they just shut the Dionne line down they’d shut the Kings down (just like everyone else had during the season).

          In the end, it was a great story about David v Goliath and all but it was still a first round series between two teams who weren’t ready to contend for the Cup anyway. The Oilers had the talent, but not the experience, and the Kings were just as inexperienced and less talented.

          • “it was the first time a World Series game had ever been won on a come-from-behind home run in the last inning”

            But it wasn’t the last. In fact, Joe Carter’s walk-off come-from-behind homer actually won the championship, not just the opening game. Thompson’s shot in 1951 likewise was terminal for the team he hit it against.

            So let’s keep a sense of perspective about the significance of Gibson’s home run. Like I say, I was THERE. No one has to explain to me how dramatic the moment was. It took me two hours to get outa the fucking parking lot because of the celebrating.

            But it took me quite as long to escape from the Forum lot on the night of the Miracle.

            And while St. Louis had a great come-back against Calgary and the Sharks against us, NO ONE has replicated what we did. We are not only the “first” but the “only” ones who’ve done it.

            Who gives a shit about how “tired” the Oilers were? Does THAT explain what happened that night? Does that explain Pat Hughes’ failure to score the overtime goal when he had virtually an open net and Lessard was fumbling on the ice?

            Edmonton’s “big” players actually played “big” during the game. I don’t see why their fatigue in the third period was any greater than ours. They got “tired” because they spent their energy trying to sit on Dionne’s line? That was Sather’s mistake? Okay, so the Oakland As underestimated our pitching, which kept us within reach after Canseco’s grand-slam until we could win it in the ninth. EVERY win or loss has its “reasons”.

            What you’re not seeing is the key point of this entire thread — why I (or Surly or Scribe or others) “prefer” hockey to other sports. It is precisely because the playoffs are the “second” season, precisely because once you’re in them, ANYTHING can happen, that hockey provides a special, exquisite, joy that is unmatched by other professional team sports.

            In basketball there are few upsets. The big-titted winners over the regular season tend overwhelmingly to win in the post-season. In fact, most of the upsets I’ve come across are relatively recent. Football is, perhaps, the most obnoxious of all the sports, since it’s been my experience that its fans applaud ONLY the winner, the final Super Bowl champ, while every loser is just a chump, regardless of how earnestly and valiantly he played.

            In hockey we remember not only those who won the Cup, but also those who scratched and clawed and fell short along the road there. The 1974-75 Islanders gave EVERY hockey fan pleasure, and their series wins — as well as their loss — were memorable moments. Same-same for the 2006-07 Wild, and later for the ‘Canes, the Flyers, and many others.

            So if you wanna get “annoyed” when I compare the Miracle on Manchester with the opening 1988 World Series game, that’s your business.

            But personally, I think you’re fulla shit.

          • … That is a great post, TJ. I don’t agree with some of it, but whatever. Well done.

          • You’re a good sport, Dutch, no matter what sport you follow.

  7. Here is another way to think of Hockey vs. Football:

    In hockey, a typical 3rd line player will play up to 12 minutes a game, while football is only played for 11 minutes total. That means if the football game is split equally (offense vs defense) a football player only plays (roughly) for 6 minutes a game. While I would love to be paid that much for only 6 minutes a game, it works like this: 6 min a game x 16 reg. season games x 3 post season games = 2 hours (I rounded up) of actual game play, per player in a full regular season, and going all the way in the post season This scenario is only for the top players of the game! There are many, many players who play a minute a game (special teams). So tough.

    Nicklas Lindstrom will play 2 hours of game play in 4-5 games, and he is 42.

    How is Hockey vs. Football even a debate?

    • Because you have more time to drink beer and stand in lines to get chips and dip and hot dogs without missing any action in football. In hockey one must pay attention for long periods of time, therefore, not popular. I’m serious… attention span and the fact that football requires very little is a big part of its popularity and hockey’s lack of it.

      • Definitely. I have always thought that had a lot to do with it also, especially when people have told me “watching hockey is so hard, since I have to pay so much attention to enjoy it” That’s the best part!! ;)

      • Also, Hockey is too fast for most people to make sense of, even with good color commendation and the use of teleprompters such as the ones Fox uses.

        The only things hockey and football have in common is a need to widen the camera frame and that TV time outs have degraded the flow of yhe games.

  8. Could not agree more with your sentiments…

  9. Off topic but man the absence of Gagne is painful as hell!

  10. Why do they call it “football”? It’s not a ball and they only use the foot to kick it once in a blue moon. The whole concept is confused from the very begining by calling it “football”. Stupid game with stupid fans

    • … Good point.

      Why do they call it “hockey”? Is the object of the game to hock loogies or hock valuables or hock anything? No! So, what the hell is the deal here.

      • You don’t know the origin of the name? Or was that sarcasm?

      • Would it make more sense to you if they called it Helmet Slide? The name “hockey” probably stems from the game Bandy (played on ice with an up curved stick and a ball) and introduced by the Brits to Canada eons ago. Russia likes to call it their game, or “Russian Hockey” since they invented it. The name doesn’t refer to any part of the game.

      • “hockey”

        Corruption of the word “hook” referring to the end of the stick. In 1527 a statute recorded in Galway City, Ireland stated, “At no time to use ne occupy ye hurling of ye litill balle with the hookie sticks or staves…

        derived from Gaelic word “puc” or the Irish word “poc,” meaning to poke

        The LA Kings First Take to the Ice in 1968:

  11. There’s more to football than just the physical aspects. It’s like a chess match on the grid iron. The offensive team lining up and deploying their pieces, trying to conceal what they’re going to do, and the defense trying to figure out how best to stop them, what formation and which personnel to put out there. And what’s wrong with fieldgoals? I like the variety of ways to score. Touchdowns, fieldgoals, extra points, safeties, with each given a different value based on its difficulty… it leads to a lot less ties (which in hockey, often are decided by arbitrary skills competitions). And football doesn’t award losers for “making it close”. And a winner-take-all, no rematches, playoffs makes for suspense and magnifies the important of each game, each play… no mulligans, like hockey. Each sport has its pros and cons. I don’t understand hockey fans who Bach on football, or football fans who bash on hockey. They are each depriving themselves of some good sports entertainment

    • No, chess players are smart intelligent people. None of that applies to football as the collective IQ of a team doesn’t exceed the number of goals the Kings will score this year.

      Also, if Foosball is like chess and the quarterback is the king, who is the Queen?

      • You don’t have to be good at school or considered “intelligent” to be “intelligent” at sports.

        But NFL players on the whole are more educated than NHL players, mostly due to the fact that the NFL uses college as it’s minor league system.

        Most hockey players finish high school and that’s the end of it. They just don’t do stupid shit in public as much as NFL players, and the spotlight isn’t on them as much. And the culture is different obviously.

        • But NFL players on the whole are more educated than NHL players, mostly due to the fact that the NFL uses college as it’s minor league system.

          Except for USC…important distinction. USC.

        • But do hockey players skate through high school with inflated grades so that they can keep making the school look good?

          I remember many football players in my high school who graduated with decent grades. These same people could barely read. I watched schools bend over fucking backwards for these kids because playing football was the most important thing.

          Though your overall point is well taken. Hockey players don’t seem very intelligent on the whole. But when you start comparing athletes intelligence level, you’ve started meandering away from a discussion worth having.

        • I remember Gordon Edes, who used to report the Kings for the Times, telling me that of all the professional athletes he’d come across, hockey players were the best, the most grounded, the least hung up on ego and multi-trillion-dollar salaries.

          When I dealt with hockey players myself, I discovered how right Gordon was. They were just pieces of shit like me — another chip in their favor.

          Maybe they didn’t have a lotta diplomas and hadn’t read Dostoevsky in the original Russian, but they were by no means unintelligent. And at least the ones I had contact with were honorable cats, all of them on the square.

          The guys I found the most personally disagreeable were from the NBA. And for all their college background they hadn’t read much Dostoevsky either. In fact, I dunno how those overstuffed motherfuckers learned how to spell their own names.

          • Marty McSorley being the HUGE exception to your first paragraph. The biggest prick in the game. And I speak from personal knowledge.

            p.s. no, it has nothing to do with the stick incident

        • Yeah, I’m just going to echo what Surly said. Those star athletes get a free pass from high school on. They don’t do or read shit. They’re dumb assholes. Do you think 98 percent of them are taking Organic Chemistry or Calculus 300. More like P.E. and Home Ec. and sleeping through that I’m sure. Shit, how many cheating and money scandals do you hear about every year. Fuck em all.

          Then there is also the fact that the dipshit football players only perform what they are told to perform. They get plays called in from soft fat guy in a booth who never played football since the 8th grade. Maybe some quarterbacks have some smarts but the rest are meat heads. Even when most of them talk you can hear the “duh” after every word.

          Hockey players on the other hand need to think at much higher speeds and need quicker reaction times. How many hockey players went to Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, other highly intelligent schools? and how many took 300 and 400 level classes at those schools. You think Matt Moulson was studying ball room dancing at Cornell. Even guys who played Juniors could easily go to college and perform well.

          Fuck Foosball, its a sport for idiots who like to see 300lb behemoths roll around on the ground 100 times a game.
          Nuff said.

      • The cheer leaders?

  12. My favorite thing about football is this video:

    • … Hahaha that is a classic. It was in Ken Burns’ “Baseball”, which is where I first saw it.

      I think there’s conclusive evidence that football is broken in certain ways, such as the fact that the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl was scored accidentally. That was the most hilarious thing about last night.

  13. O.T. but what did you guys think of the Clint Eastwood commercial? I’m a big CE fan and I thought he nailed it.

  14. You guys are all fags! Football is a mans sport, played by warriors, and is on trumped by hockey players, playing hockey. All other sports pale in comparison. Your all a bunch of fey dancers prancing around in armor not fit for mandelorian children.

    • I was being to wonder if you copied and pasted this from a football lovers message board, until you said, “Mandalorian”. I highly doubt some who says, “Your all a bunch fags” knows what a Mandalorian is ;)

    • Speaking of Drew Doughty, did you see the blown coverage on the 3rd and 11? I blame Drew.

      P.S.- What does “mandelorian” mean? I assume it is not a cross between a De Lorean and a mandolin, right?

      P.S.S.- Bonus point for using “fey.” Well done sir!

      • Yea, Drew does blow it sometimes, but everybody has their moments.

        “Mandelorian” is a race of warriors in a story told by an incredible story teller. ;)

  15. I was talking with my sister as we totally enjoyed the Super Bowl. I can handle about 5 games a year, mostly playoffs, so don’t vilify me for liking it, I have it well controlled.

    My favorite difference between hockey and other sports is that you don’t get to keep the trophy. You hold it briefly, your team has the right to it only as they reign, and although you get your name on it (the best part of all), even your name will eventually be taken off as they retire the filled bands of the trophy base.

    The trophy doesn’t go on a shelf somewhere, it doesn’t go behind glass along with other trophies; it’s importance is never demeaned by association or placement.

    The trophy itself travels, and cannot be owned. Everybody gets the only one there is, but not for long.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 4,286 other followers

%d bloggers like this: