Tonight, I will be at a Chinese wedding. I am not Chinese. I am not any kind of ese but a male member of my wife’s family is marrying a Chinese woman and, for some damn reason, I have to be there. The fact my wife’s family is Italian brings a tinge of comedy to this entire evening – “So, this Italian guy marries a Chinese woman” sounds like the beginning of an off-color joke. I tried everything to get out of it other than faking my own death. I am saving that as a last ditch effort once I figure out if I can get a couple of friends to help and further determine whether I can make the 12:00am resurrection believable or not. But I am not the only one who will be witness to a sappy union. Tonight marks the reunion of Mike Richards and Jeff Carter.

Jack Johnson is gone. For those who wear wide smiles, I scowl at you. I loved Jack. I will miss Jack. Whether we traded Scott Niedermayer, Brad Stuart or Pavel Kubina remains to be seen. What will be seen is a yet another center in Jeff Carter converted to wing. I was just telling Surly the other day that we need more centers on this team. Regardless, the boy is a sniper. He can bury the puck. If he can’t score in L.A., Dean Lombardi should resign because I am pretty sure Tim Leiweke is not going to give any more rope. At some point, there has to be a hanging to satisfy the mob.

What we all of course hope for is an offensive explosion. Think Surly without sex for 24 months and Megan Fox suddenly interested kind of explosion. I want to see a 4-0 affair. I fear a 5-4 loss that leaves our balls blue. We are playing Chicago after all.

Speaking of the Blackhawks, their dreamy captain Jonathan Toews is out. He followed up an upper body injury rumored to be a concussion with an auto accident…and he’s not even Asian (I am getting it out of my system to avoid slip ups later tonight). Chicago is also without Niklas Hjalmarsson and Steve Montador. They are struggling with defense and goaltending. They are also playing like a team that really misses size and grit. Patrick Kane for Dustin Brown, a defenseman and a pick. Do it De…next L.A. Kings general manager.

We’re 2-6-2 in our last 10. Time to put together a fucking winning streak, don’t you think?

I’ll be viewing the game on DVR around midnight and no, I will not wait until the sun rises to watch it. The L.A. Kings are my Megan Fox and I am constantly horny for hockey.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to search online to see if there is such a thing as renting a casket.

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