The following list was written last Wednesday in a fun attempt to draw reader JT Dutch out from the shadows in which he had lurked for about a week or two. We love JT (in that Mr. Wilson to Dennis the Menace kind of way) and this place always gets a little duller when he takes his ball and goes home for a time. He came out of his hiding all on his own though after last Thursday’s upsetting loss to San Jose, not surprisingly, to jump on board with the rest of Kingsdom in jumping on Jonathan Quick’s overplayed back. So I didn’t post it at the time.
After today’s heated Vezina debate, spurned on by our last podcast, this list feels ever more amusing. So to get some levity back in this bitch, I bring you the top 10 things JT Dutch will do if Quick is awarded the Vezina.
9. Crap his pants.
8. Go into massive debt from buying every jersey Quick has worn since he became an NHL player. For purpose of praise or voodoo ritual, I don’t not know. But I do know that’s 7 jerseys, ~$1400 before tax. He will then try to pay the credit card company off in ellipses.
7. Never post here, or anywhere, ever again.
6. Post here more than ever.
5. Nominate Jonathan Bernier for the Masterson Trophy.
4. Write a dissertation on every goal Quick has given up this year, with stats using advance calculus equations depicting to the nth how the defense did all of Quick’s work for him.
3. Show up on Quick’s doorstep, drunk, with a bloody knife in one hand, Martin Brodeur’s severed head in the other, a sinister grin and a tear rolling slowly down one cheek.
2. Fall to his knees, throw his hands up in the air and bellow “I believe!” as a white light brightens him from on high.
1. Blame all of those that voted for Quick as stalking him and posting here under alternate user names. Meanwhile, somewhere in an abandoned downtown warehouse Player X laughs because it was him all along.