You are worried about Cory Schneider. I know you are.
You are worried about Daniel Sedin. Admit it, I won’t judge.
Allow me to assuage, to impart my confidence on to you.
Schneider has had an easy ride. The Kings have given him many soft shots from outside the circles to casually stop. They have allowed him ample space to work his craft, unobstructed and without spears in groin or asses in face. These things need be rectified tonight. So shall they be done and so shall this needlessly heralded reign of Schneider be undone.
Daniel Sedin is dangerous. He is a threat. We all know how to deal with threats. Plot, plan, scheme, destroy. A Daniel Sedin cringing on his keester courtesy of Dustin Brown’s shoulder or Drew Doughty’s hip offers two boons. Sedin’s head may have tested positive for play, but it has not been subjected to the test of being snapped back violently by way of devastating, clean shoulder check at center ice… Or in front of the Canucks bench, they seem to appreciate those. Which signifies the other boon. The Canucks are hyper protective of their carbon copied mongoloids. This noble quality is besmirched by a childlike inability to control aggression in the face of anger. The Canucks are, when psychologically impugned, bulls without horns, a hornet’s nest with not a stinger among them. A wave of the cape in the form of after-whistle sticks in Schneider’s pads and well placed stones cast between Alex Burrows’ eyes should do the trick. Let them charge, watch them buzz and stomp them out.
I find these to be the two keys to the game. Of course, the Kings must also do the obvious. Mind the gaps, stay out of the box and be opportunistic. Dustin Brown, lead the way. Drew Doughty, step up to the golden plate, use your silver spoon. Mike Richards, make me forget all about Wayne Simmonds’ awesome playoffs. Jonathan Quick, show Cory Schneider what it means to be an All-Star goalie.
Play this game the way we have played many before and the Kings will have to rush to the sink after the final buzzer to wash from their hands the slime that seeps from the pores of Canuck hands.
As always, we must pray.
In the name of the Captain, the Son of Philly and the Holy Goalie.
Bless us Oh Hockey Gods, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from thy bounty, through LA Kings, Our Team. Amen.
Blessed are You, Kings our Team and Team of our fathers, Team of Dionne, Team of Luc and Team of Gretzky, the great, mighty and awesome Team, exalted Team, who bestows bountiful goals, who creates all wins, who remembers the insanity of the fans, and who, in love, brings a redeemer to their fans’s children, for the sake of Our Kings.
Peace be upon no Vancouver fan, without mercy or blessing of Kings.
Our Kings, who art back in Vancouver
Hallowed be thy game.
Thy kingdom come, thy wills be done
On their ice as it needn’t be on ours.
Give us this day our daily goals, and forgive no Canuck their transgressions,
As we pound into submission those who trespass against us.
And lead us past the first round,
Past these evil Canuck fucks.
Hail Kopi, full of grace, the fans are with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst players and blessed are the fruit of thy skills, goals.
Holy Kopi, dominant of centers, play for us sinners,
Now until the hour of our Cup.
Go fucking nuts.
GO FUCKING NUTS!