Waiting For Round 2 Weirdness

I haven’t written since the Kings’ ousted Vancouver. That’s not a coincidence. I haven’t been terribly busy, have had plenty of time to write, but oddly, I’ve barely thought about the Kings at all.

When that puck came flying off Jarret Stoll’s stick and by Cory Schneider’s ear, I exploded, and not unlike explosions reserved for the bedroom, a refractory period went into effect.  I have watched the rest of the league finish out their first rounds numbly.  I have perused through articles written about the upcoming Kings and Blues series as casually as I would a story in the paper about a warehouse worker in Pomona caring for a group of mangy animals during his lunch break.  I want to get excited, but I’m spent.

However, just as bedroom escapades leave me spaced out and sleepy, all it takes is another silky coy look in my direction, one more brush of soft, warm flesh to graze my goose-bump braised skin, the slightest nibble to moisten cracked lips and I come crashing down, eyes bright with wonder, heart racing and brimming with energy.  Though the Kings have not made it to the second round in 11 years, a familiar feeling patters its way through my chest, skipping down my stomach.  Anticipation builds.  Whether I was there last week or last decade, the come hither look has been spotted as the day is a moon away.  Skin caresses skin as starting lineup is announced against starting lineup.  The players set up for a face-off, eyes burning holes through the others head, mine like lasers through a TV that shoots phosphorescently back, a nervous nervous handslicks back my hair, another wraps tightly around a knot of hers.  The dance begins.

Am I frustrated?  Maybe a little, if that wasn’t clear.

Perhaps I’ll become motivated to write about some technical things – whether Richards and Carter will show up to this series and if we can win if they don’t, how both teams rolling four lines will affect the games, will Trevor Lewis continue on as a He-Man, Quick vs Elliot/Halak, Oshie vs. Brown, whether I still hold a grudge against everyone to wear a Blues uniform because of one asshole named Courtnall (the answer is yes) – but I just can’t do it right now.  You don’t want to analyze the neurons that fire to ignite passion when she is yours and you’re as hers.  You don’t discuss the mechanics of a hip thrust when together they move perfectly as one.  You certainly don’t mention that she might shamefully scamper back to her car in the morning while the night is still young.

There is a good chance I am just jealous.  Jealous of you all, you who won’t be sitting at a wedding ceremony at 4:30pm tomorrow.  You who won’t be watching two people vow to spend the rest of their lives together as I deny myself the bachelor party for one of my life’s longest relationships.  You think about all these things, the excitement, the buildup, the sweating and the groaning and the exclamation when she doesn’t catch your gaze.  When you just have to imagine.  When she hangs on someone else’s arm.

Oh well.  You’ll get her later.  Luckily for you you’re just a guy sitting at home.  The TV has a pause button and the real action doesn’t take place until that big orgy you have penned into your calendar for Thursday, May 3 at 7pm.  Someplace called Staples, which is weird because you didn’t realize you’re into that sort of sadomasochism thing until you tried it, but once you did, you were hooked.

If at the end of this article you are highly confused, that’s OK.  So am I.

Categories: L.A. Kings News

16 replies

  1. I, too, will be at a wedding tomorrow. Needless to say, my attendance at the cocktail hour will be…sporadic, as much of the time I will be spending at the hotel bar, where they better have a TV.

    • Consider yourself lucky that its at a hotel. Mine is outdoors… on a beach… there’s not even going to be an indoor toilet, let alone Fox Sports West.

  2. I’m going to be in San Diego on “vacation” which will consist of me watching the Kings game (by myself if I have to) while everyone else is enjoying the beach…. and it will always be worth it.
    and fuck the Blues because well… Fuck the Blues

  3. Surly maybe you need to relax or maybe read Fifty shades of grey before the start of the game Saturday! Go Kings!

  4. you actually FOUND articles to read about the kings? shocking. if there’s one thing i seriously can’t stand, it’s the lack of exposure the kings have had on nbc and the nhl network. what is it going to take? clearly defeating the no. 1 seed in the first round isn’t enough. i’ve seen about 3 “how will the blues prepare for the next round” articles, and quite possibly the same amount of “how did the canucks fail?” but none mentioning the odds the kings overcame. in any case,
    i’ll be screaming at my television tomorrow and i very well may not have fingernails due to the anxiety, but i can’t wait. also, did the blues do what we SHOULD have done, and rotate the goaltenders this season? i feel bernier got stuck with the shit end of the hockey stick in the goaltending department.

  5. It is very hard to put a finger on it, but, for me this is not the big rivalry 2nd round series. If it had been for example with the Ducks, or SJ, or even Dallas or Yotes, I think it would getting the blood pumping and blood pressure pill time. I know I will be up and ready for this series nevertheless because we all want to know if the Kings ship comes in.

    All I care about is that the new Kings, post Brown Hat Trick/Carter trade, show up to play. These guys figured out that they could play as an elite team and so they have proved it to us and to the NHL world. So, no big deal, they just continue on with what they have already established.

    The Kings will be ready!

    Piss on the Blues: http://cdn2.staztic.com/screenshots/piss-on-blues-clock-widget-10-1.jpg


  6. Get a grip on yourself, man!

    It’s not like we’re facing off against those faggot artistes of the North. These guys are gross, heavy — but fast — chazers of the first degree. We need all the sperm — and all the shtark — we can get.

    So pull yourself together and — yes — remember that smirking Courtnall cocksucker, drawing Sean O’Donnell into a five-minute major. (I, too, was at the Meltdown on Manchester.)

  7. Why do I feel like you write adult novels on the side?

  8. Hang in there, dude. It’s only game 1 you’ll have to miss.

    In the meantime, it sounds like you might want to check out the pickings at RealDoll:


    They might be able to do a rush delivery before game 2.

    (And for all the rest of you, we have to petition them to develop a Heidi Androl model.)

    er… I forget the third one.

    Time to flash those butt tattoos, everybody!

  9. Cue Dustin Hoffman in the Church balcony, or in your case, atop the Cabana canvas or perhaps standing on the reception buffet.



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