LA Kings @ Phoenix Coyotes Round 3 Game 1 Open Forum – Halfway Home

The Conference Finals.

I like the sound of that.

It’s 100 degrees here in Phoenix, perfect hockey weather, just an obvious place to put a hockey team. You know I’ve never been to Phoenix before, or rather, Glendale where this team actually plays (we don’t call the Kings the San Fernando Valley Kings, so why are they the Phoenix Coyotes?), but it’s as pointless as I always imagined. Skyscrapers, everything. No wait, that was some other city, an interesting one.

You know they tried to pass a law here in Arizona that life begins when a women’s ovaries releases it’s monthly allotment of eggs. Going with that logic, the Coyotes loss tonight began when the Kings equipment arrived yesterday at arena.

But the Coyotes haven’t lost, yet, even if Arizona’s Governor has already lost her mind. The Kings may have beaten the shit out of their last two study partners and kept all the good grades for themselves, but now we’re taking finals.

I’m expecting a trepidatious game at first. When a team finally makes a mistake, the smell of blood will flood the air and the fangs will come out. Whether they are fearsome lion’s teeth or cowardly desert dog canines, only time will tell. I want the Kings to take the game to the Coyotes immediately. Hit them hard, make them fear our size. Put shots on Smith early but more importantly, put bodies in front of him. Don’t allow him to be comfortable in his net for a second. We’ve garnered a lot of our success by psychologically mind-fucking teams, goading our opponents into bad penalties. Let’s do the same to these punks.

In the bar we went to in Downtown Phoenix last night they were showing a replay of the game where Smith jumped all over Kopitar. Where Brown fought Doan and Richards fought Hanzal and Torres fought Fraser. Scribe and I noted that we had somewhat forgotten how hostile these two teams can get when the games are close and boundaries are tested, as they were when a Brown absolutely plastered Klesla (if memory serves). I can already feel the bottled up tension. At some point tonight, there will be an eruption.

The Coyotes are without Adrian Aucoin. The Kings are expected to go with the same lineup that has gotten them this far.

Let us pray, brothers and sisters.

In the name of the Captain, the Son of Philly and the Holy Goalie.


Bless us Oh Hockey Gods, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from thy bounty, through LA Kings, Our Team. Amen.

Blessed are You, Kings our Team and Team of our fathers, Team of Dionne, Team of Luc and Team of Gretzky, the great, mighty and awesome Team, exalted Team, who bestows bountiful goals, who creates all wins, who remembers the insanity of the fans, and who, in love, brings a redeemer to their fans’ children, for the sake of Our Kings.

Peace be upon no Phoenix fan, without mercy or blessing of Kings.

Holy Sutter, Holy Stevens;
We give you thanks
that your Schemes, Attitude and Leadership
Are manifest with Power and Pressure
throughout all zones,
within all lines,
and we accept your Tutelage now,
in defense and forecheck.

I pray to the wunderkind, the play-maker, destroyer of all cap space, the enemy of forwards, of great brilliance, the descendent of Orr and of Borque, the one who shines like the Dewey flower.

I invoke and call upon thee O Father Mitchell,
Lord of long stick, Master of all lanes and gaps.
I invite you to the blue line;
Defend it, sustain it, make it home.

As it was,
As it is,
As it shall be
O Thou Carter
Of goals!
With the forehand
With the backhand
O Thou Carter
Of goals!
With the forehand
With the backhand

Voices above,
Voices of Fans,
Yell from your couch or barstool;
Voices below,
LA King’s Inner-voices,
Speak from the dreams of childhood;
So may our playoffs be beautiful.

Our Kings, who art in Phoenix
Hallowed be thy game.
Thy kingdom come, thy wills be done
On their ice, as it was on the Blues’
Give us this day our daily goals, and forgive no Coyote their transgressions,
As we pound into submission those who trespass against us.
And lead us past the third round,
Past these evil Coyote fucks.

Hail Kopi, full of grace, the fans are with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst players and blessed are the fruit of thy skills, goals.
Holy Kopi, dominant of centers, play for us sinners,
Now until the hour of our Cup.

Go fucking nuts.



Categories: L.A. Kings News

Tags: , ,

65 replies

  1. Go Kings Go!!!!

  2. Hey, she didn’t lose her mind, dude; she had her face stretched too tight, it popped out her ear and fell on the floor.

    Think we about to be treated to a great series with a level of animosity between individual players not seen since the Colorado seven game series.

    I respect and would love to see Shane Doan experience a “Bourquest end of career crowning achievement” but this is LA and fate compels me to say, “fuck you Doan, hope the only crown you get is the result of a center ice hit by Brown.”

    Here’s to the Kings sending Mosses Doan and the Coyotes back to wondering in the desert.

  3. A-fucking-Men

  4. Shalom

  5. … Those King fans who made the trip – hydrate yourselves, for chrissakes! You are in the desert. I recommend copious quantities of beer as the proper method of hydration.

  6. Isn’t it absolutely ecstasy that we Kings fans can be watching our Kings deep into May!. Usually by now, for so many years, it is watching the Dodgers or Lakers or both.

    It feels so good to know that we have great prospects to watch even into June too.

    As for the Coyotes, since it is so hot in Phoenix, scorching like hell, they need to be cooled off and watered down.

    Then when they hit the ice, the wetness can freeze up up and down their body.

    GO KINGS GO!!!

  7. You lucky bastards. Make us proud and start a few King chants. I’ll be listening carefully.

    The wait is driving me crazy. My poor mom, I planned the entire day around this game. :) Have fun Kings fans and I’ll see you in victory lane.

    • Our seats ended up being in the Coyote Den (premier club) and we started game with Go Kings Go chant. It was hilarious.

  8. Mr. Softee returns!

    Fuckin A man…


    • Lol

    • lol you serious?

    • I so look forward to the day where you don’t chomp at the bit to deride one of our best players.

      It’s one flukey goal. Yeesh. Quick gives them up from time to time. It means nothing because they never matter. And they ONLY happen when the Kings are dominating do badly that Quick sees no pucks. All goalies struggle when they don’t get any action.

      Brown is the team’s MVP but Quick is a close second. You are the ony person in the hockey world that thinks Therese.

    • You’re right cuz he’s the leagues Vezina.

      • … That Vezina should go to the Kings’ team for their defense all season long.

        • Try this: just complimenting the team in a non-backhanded manner.

          • … Having a different view of the team than you do does not = complimenting them in a back-handed manner.

            The Kings have had a very good defensive team for four years running. It is their trademark. They’ve picked up the offense since the Carter trade, but defense is still their foundation and their goalie benefits from that defense, perhaps more so than any other goalie in the NHL.

            I’ve called Jonathan Quick a top five goaltender. I think that’s being pretty damn nice to him. Sorry if you don’t agree with it or like it. I’ve watched and followed this team enough to form that view. I don’t really care if a bunch of other people, the vast majority of whom haven’t watched and followed this team as much, disagree with my view. That’s just the simple truth of it.

  10. Quick has looked average today. I think the Kings are keeping him in this game, unlike 75% of the regular season.

    Oh well.

    2-2 tie game on the road with a period left. Could be worse

  11. Another mistake by Quick, another goal. WTF!!!

  12. Stop trying to play the puck, Quick. Game should be 2-1. Not a gonna give Quick grief for the 100′ shoot. But he always fucks up rythym of dmen behind the net.

  13. Common hockey gods because Kings are playing with all sacrifices to win. If this were baseball it would be 10 to 1 Kings But this is hockey that gives easy and hard goals. But I will take hockey any day.

  14. Anyone notice the red head with the great rack behind Tippett??

  15. First decent quote by Engblom, “that happens in those scrums, sometimes you accidentally fall on a guys throat…” lol

  16. Give King a raise today!. This was a ass whooping in spite of the close score. The scorching sahara mutts were run over by the King 18 wheeler tractor.
    Quick was redeemed as he became a wall when it counted.

    GO KINGS GO!!!

  17. To the red head with the HUUUGE boobs sitting behind the Coyotes bench looking all sad-bastard cause your team just lost… take consolation in your giant sweater mittens. 7 away!

  18. 90% average/below average game by quick. 10% vintage brilliant quick. Otherwise, total domination by LA. Looked like a carbon copy of games versus STL and Van. They won’t waiver…relentless!
    How great are our team’s chances when kings win despite a mostly poor game by quick??

    • Yeah, I really want to hear from Quick about that fluke, as he has a lot of xxxplaining to do.
      But I know he has a great excuse, as it will go something like he has not been practicing those red line shots since pre-season training camp.

      Ah, they will be practicing those now more….

  19. Surly, my head exploded on the first goal by the Yotes. I could only imagine how yours exploded lol

    I’m just glad we pulled out the victory. I wish I could have gone !

  20. I will be a man and say your choice of a white jersey in a sea of white ended up working out.

    Nice choice.

    Hey, how was it there? I hear a good number of cheers on Kings goals… sounds like we represented pretty well.

    • Very well represented but also Couote fans are very tame and quiet. I documented the experience on twitter. We will also get into it on podcast tomorrow night.

  21. Great fucking game, NBC annoucers are pure dogshit that’s all I gots to say. 7 more to lift that fucker!!!

  22. jeebus Quick pulled a page from the vampire cookbook the way he boiled blood getting this game to a 2-2 3rd period. fluke shmluke, there’s two goalies on the ice, one contributes to the breakout and the other fucks up the rotation, better make up for it with the saves or look… outclassed. good thing we destroyed them in every other phase, in a way making it all the sweeter victory because it guts their whole playoff feelgood magic run bullshit. bunch of bounces, OT wins, feeling like the team of destiny, right in this one with Quick sneakily handing them hope just so we could crush it like cans in the alley. fuck em.

    by the way Kopitar is our most valuable player. he is like one player that is two players. that’s a lot of player.

  23. In response to “puke daffy” (a.k.a. puck daddy on yahoo) and all the other self-proclaimed prognosticators who picked Phoenix to outplay the KINGS, i’d like to qoute that great philosopher shaquille o’neal: “Hey puke daffy (and everyone else), tell us how our ass tastes? Love, L.A. Kings”

  24. Go Kings Go!!!!!! We can do this!!!!!!

  25. Let’s have a little perspective on quicker, he was a rock the last 10 mins when the game was on the line. I thought smith was a rebound machine we just didn’t get to the pucks. I love a 4-2 game. Had 2 against vancovers and 1 stl.

    • Smith made a few clutch glove saves, but he was definitely giving up the rebounds like sprinkles.

      • If carter could bury one of those gift rebounds the game would have been over early.

        • Once Carter starts scoring, it could be a tidal wave. He is always so close and it seems that the puck has eyes to hit something other than net.

          Stoll had a closer insurance goal late in the game that beat Smith, but hit red metal.

      • Hey Surly, what happened to piss off Bobby. We don’t want him to wind up in the Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s slammer where he may be sent to Sonoran desert and miss the rest of round 3. Can’t you watch over him, as we need him to escape back to LA in one piece…

  26. Tippet in the post game briefing said that as playoffs move higher up the ladder, the bar gets raised, and his team did not reach the bar. I was surprised that he was as critical to the degree he was tonight. He repeated that several times in different ways.
    He said he really does not care about the other team (Kings), but rather his own team was just way
    too out hustled and behind the level that is necessary for round 3 play.

    He was asked about Kopi’s play, and he said the whole LA Kings team was playing just like Kopi.

    As for that Morris red line goal, that puck was a curve ball and a strike one whiff by Quick…

    As for that Quick fumble feed to Drew behind the net, that was a strike two foul tip.

    Then, Quick hit home runs the rest of the way.

  27. Anxiously await the podcast

  28. Great game by our Kings going into Glendale and punching the yotes in the throat. Contrary to Surly, I love Governor Brewer’s politics – but I wouldn’t mind seeing her cry when her team gets throttled in four games.

    Give me a Kings cup and an Obama debacle and I will be the happiest Kings fan in southern California!

  29. Ah, how much do I not miss Raffi.

  30. Ok, when the podcast? Can’t get enough Kings talk…

  31. I’ve watched that Richard’s move where he uses his head to deflect a puck away from the King’s goal. Does it get any more loyal than that. No matter what this team does the rest of the playoffs, we’re prime for championships for the next five years.

    • Yeah, and besides the head/helmet block, he was body slammed by Doan on that face off and actually gave Doan a compliment like, hey bitch, you got me but your time will come.
      Mike will get even later on, just wait and see.

    • Hah! When was this? Somehow I missed the head block.

      • nbc showed it all night long with accolades to MIke all night long. It will be seen over and over again ad nauseum.

  32. Chipchura – newest victim of the curse of Quick.

  33. …That play by williams – deep in the defensive zone and he slips the puck between Doan’s feet to Voynov, who sets up Brown’s hellascious shot to humiliate Smith – sublime.


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