When I first heard someone had made sexual assault allegations against Drew Doughty, my first instinct was “Jarret? What the hell, man? He’s your teammate!”

I then read the L.A. Times report.

Los Angeles County prosecutors are reviewing an allegation by a woman who alleges she was sexually assaulted earlier this year by L.A. Kings player Drew Doughty, a district attorney’s spokeswoman said Tuesday.

“It’s under review,” said spokeswoman Sandi Gibbons, who declined to detail the allegations, citing the office’s pending decision. “I expect a resolution this week.”

Doughty’s attorney, Craig Renetzky, said that although the case was technically under review, he expects it will be rejected this week.

The Hermosa Beach Police Department, which investigated the case, did not return numerous calls for comment Tuesday afternoon.

Under review, cops not talking and he hired the same lawyer that Mark Hardy had. I didn’t like the sound of this.

A little more digging and there are more details that the L.A. Times didn’t have in their article. From the Press-Telegram.

A 25-year-old woman has accused Los Angeles Kings star Drew Doughty of sexually assaulting her at his Hermosa Beach home in March, police said Tuesday.

Huh. An older woman.

The woman reported the alleged “date rape” on March 1, when she said Doughty forced her into a cab outside Baja Sharkeez in Hermosa Beach, took her home and sexually assaulted her, police said.

Wait, in Hermosa Beach? This isn’t Tehran, any city in Pakistan or Detroit. It’s fucking Hermosa Beach. Forced in a cab? From a bar? Against her will? “But Scribe, maybe the cab driver recognized Drew Doughty, was star struck and didn’t say anything!” Are you fucking crazy? The cab driver’s name is Mawaan Singh, he has never seen an ice surface much less recognize a hockey player and he doesn’t know who the hell Drew Doughty or any other member of our hockey team is.

Hermosa Beach police Sgt. Bob Higgins confirmed a TMZ.com account that said the woman told officers that Doughty bumped into her in the bar and invited her back to his home.

I wonder if he used my most effective pick up line when I was single. “Hi, sex?” Worked every time…almost every time.

According to the account, the 22-year-old defenseman was embarrassed in front of his teammates when she rejected his advances, calling him an a- – - – - -

She called him an a- – - – -. An a- – - – -? I suppose my hope for a linguistic awakening after Jonathan Quick threw down bombs during the rally won’t be realized. The word is asshole…unless she really just called him an a, dash, dash, dash, dash, dash, in which case, how the hell can you trust anything she says after that?

The woman told police Doughty then shoved her into a cab, took her home and sexually assaulted her, Higgins said.

Forced her out of a bar. Led her to a cab. Pushed her into a cab. Told the cab driver where to go. The cab driver complied. Meanwhile, the victim did not do or say anything that would cause the cab driver to be alerted that something is amiss here and this handsome young man may intend this woman harm. He then removed her from the cab, took her to his home, undressed her and had forcible sex with her. That’s the story?

He said Doughty told detectives the sex was consensual.

Before we jump to conclusions…

“His story is minus the wrangling and the forcing,” Higgins said.

Wrangling? Wrangling?? Who said anything about wrangling? Hey, I rode bulls (the real ones) during law school and for a few years thereafter. I know my way around large animals that want to kill you as well as horses and cattle. I have wrangled plenty. Unless Drew Doughty jumped on Dustin Penner’s shoulders, chased this girl around, leapt off, pinned her ears down flat and tied her up in under 3 seconds, let’s not make assumptions about any fucking wrangling.

“It’s ‘they met in a bar and they partied together, they went to his house and it was a one-night stand kind of thing.”‘

What is this, an interview with Patrick O’Neil? What does one-night stand kind of thing, mean? You either consensually fucked her after meeting her or you didn’t. There is only one of those “kind of things”. Let’s not hedge our bets with our words or try to be politically correct. I met her. I took her home. I fucked her. I had no intention of seeing her again.

I suddenly miss my 20’s.

During an interview, Higgins said, a detective asked the woman what punishment Doughty should receive.

Uh oh. Here we go.

“She said, `I don’t want him to win the Stanley Cup,”‘ Higgins said.

No.

Fucking.

Way!

She did NOT say that?

In March?

What the hell was our record at that time? How long after the Jeff Carter trade was this?

This girl has no luck. First, she consensually fucks Drew Doughty and regrets it and then the whole L.A. Kings team fucks her by winning the Stanley Cup.

Are we sure this was really a girl? Has someone checked Jack Johnson’s whereabouts during this time period?

The District Attorney’s Office is reviewing the case to determine whether charges will be filed. A decision could come as soon as Wednesday, police and prosecutors said.

What is the D.A. reviewing the case for? To determine how damn obtuse the allegations are? Unless the burden of proof is guilty beyond the below average intelligence of a Ducks fan, I am pretty sure the only case here is one for Drew to grow the hell up and not be so immature to screw any dumb girl he meets in a bar when he’s worth $56 million dollars and is the franchise on defense. For that, he is guilty as charged.