So, Mr. Elias has admitted to the obvious, that he picked up the Stanley Cup winning puck at the end of game 6. He has also claimed to suffer from amnesia, pleading a case of the “I dunnos”. Maybe he left it on the bench, maybe it’s in his locker, maybe the natural sewage infused into his skin from years of playing in Newark disintegrated the puck when he touched it.

This asshole stole our puck and, what’s worse, he’s fucking lying about it. A moment of spite the moment you lose the Cup Final I can understand. Covering it up with the tact of a four-year old child means Patrick Elias deserves swift and direct punishment. Any of the following ten will serve as sufficient comeuppance, but we’d like to appeal to the court of the Hockey Gods that all of these Bobby, Andrew and I came up with befall Los Angeles Kings public enemy number one.

We’ll start off with someone nice and light and work our way up from there.

10. A scalping. This will then be sewn permanently onto his skull.

9. 1000 hours of rehab and seminars focused on how to be a good sport. He can carpool with Shane Doan.

8. Exiled to Newark, New Jersey until…oh wait…

7. The Hudson River will be piped into all running water lines in his house.

6. Suspended from the NHL until he can convince someone to take Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract.

5. His wife will be lent to Mike Richards and Jeff Carter every Cinco De Mayo with a healthy supply of K-Y and Patron. Patrick Roy will get her on St. Patty’s Day. The rest of the year she will act as Joe Corvo’s personal waitress.

4. His name on the Cup will be amended to read “Patrick the asshole cock sucker who took the Kings Stanley Cup puck during game six and should be fucked with a dick big enough to injure an elephant Elias.”

3. Take the fall for every stupid thing Drew Doughty does for the rest of his life.

2. Traded to the Ducks.

1. This picture will be tattooed to the tip of his dick.

Dustin Brown lifts the Stanley Cup

As a bonus, provided the puck is not recovered, here are the top five things the Kings will accept from New Jersey as a replacement. Keep in mind, as usual, we are trying to be realistic so only things New Jersey actually has to offer will be considered. It would be foolish to demand otherwise.

5. Zach Parise Sewage

4. Smokestacks

3. The homeless and destitute

2. Women with armpit hair and 70′s wide bush…

We ran out of shit they have…need your help.