Top Ten Punishments Patrick Elias Deserves for Stealing the L.A. Kings Puck

So, Mr. Elias has admitted to the obvious, that he picked up the Stanley Cup winning puck at the end of game 6. He has also claimed to suffer from amnesia, pleading a case of the “I dunnos”. Maybe he left it on the bench, maybe it’s in his locker, maybe the natural sewage infused into his skin from years of playing in Newark disintegrated the puck when he touched it.

This asshole stole our puck and, what’s worse, he’s fucking lying about it. A moment of spite the moment you lose the Cup Final I can understand. Covering it up with the tact of a four-year old child means Patrick Elias deserves swift and direct punishment. Any of the following ten will serve as sufficient comeuppance, but we’d like to appeal to the court of the Hockey Gods that all of these Bobby, Andrew and I came up with befall Los Angeles Kings public enemy number one.

We’ll start off with someone nice and light and work our way up from there.

10. A scalping. This will then be sewn permanently onto his skull.

9. 1000 hours of rehab and seminars focused on how to be a good sport. He can carpool with Shane Doan.

8. Exiled to Newark, New Jersey until…oh wait…

7. The Hudson River will be piped into all running water lines in his house.

6. Suspended from the NHL until he can convince someone to take Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract.

5. His wife will be lent to Mike Richards and Jeff Carter every Cinco De Mayo with a healthy supply of K-Y and Patron. Patrick Roy will get her on St. Patty’s Day. The rest of the year she will act as Joe Corvo’s personal waitress.

4. His name on the Cup will be amended to read “Patrick the asshole cock sucker who took the Kings Stanley Cup puck during game six and should be fucked with a dick big enough to injure an elephant Elias.”

3. Take the fall for every stupid thing Drew Doughty does for the rest of his life.

2. Traded to the Ducks.

1. This picture will be tattooed to the tip of his dick.

Dustin Brown lifts the Stanley Cup

As a bonus, provided the puck is not recovered, here are the top five things the Kings will accept from New Jersey as a replacement. Keep in mind, as usual, we are trying to be realistic so only things New Jersey actually has to offer will be considered. It would be foolish to demand otherwise.

5. Zach Parise Sewage

4. Smokestacks

3. The homeless and destitute

2. Women with armpit hair and 70’s wide bush…

We ran out of shit they have…need your help.

Categories: Surly & Scribe Top 10 list

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23 replies

  1. I think you should change number one for two reasons. One, I don’t think that Brown would like a picture of his mouth anywhere near Elias’s dick. Two, lets be real fellas, his dick isn’t big enough to write the word cup much less put the entire trophy there. Possibly you just needed a woman’s perspective.

  2. Off topic (sorry) but the Forum is getting renovated. It would be great if they sold the old orange and mustard yellow seats. What do you think.

  3. You guys forgot about water boarding. In about 5 minutes or less you get the results desired.
    If you prefer a chemical castration injection basically is a 100% guarantee for swift results.
    Think big and you get big results fast.

  4. joe corvo’s waitress. ouch.

  5. #1 The entire cast of Jersey Shore, personally delivered to Staples by Elias, at Center Ice, before the banner raising, for the sole intent and purpose of public ridicule and physical abuse.

    As a punishment, I say we make the devils lower one of their banners, and mail it to Dustin Brown, who will wipe his ass with it and then mail it back for re-hanging.

  6. Put him in the next fucking Saw movie.

  7. Playing Devil’s advocate *cue vaudeville rimshot*– maybe this was a case of temporary insanity. Not based on being upset about losing so much as the next few years flashing before his eyes…..
    -My team just lost.
    -My team just lost and is putting all hope into our captain who’ll be jumping ship in July to anywhere but Newark.
    -My team just lost and is hanging all their hope NOW on resigning a 40 year old goaltender and the unstable back of a 117 million dollar pinko who doesnt back check.
    -My team just lost and has to go get on a plane to fly five plus hours to go home to Newark. For the summer.
    -The NHL is seconds away from having to take over my team because even with an additional two dozen games to sell jerseys, hats and tickets– they’re broke. Broke and in Jersey, if it wasnt so tragic it could be a sitcom. Or ring of hell.

    While I am furious at having a piece of history go missing I can admit the possibility that he just lost his Suttin mind at the prospect of what the future holds.

    And the footnote in the HOF that explains why there is no puck on display shall forever remind the world just who the Devils really were.

    On second thought, fuck it.

    Let our second line remake The Accused and he gets to play the pinball machine. Just a broken piece of crime scene detritus covered in hate jizz.

  8. So did we get the Puck back or not yet ?

  9. Off with his dick!

  10. Everyone we played in the post season has less class than a high school drop out. I hope you enjoy your consolation prize asshole.

  11. On June 11, 2012 an incident occurred between the New Jersey Devils and the Los Angeles Kings. After the whistle, Patrick Elias removes the game-winning puck from the ice before a member of the Kings can collect it. Video evidence clearly shows intent to obstruct, changing the line. It is because of this that we have decided to suspend Patrick Elias indefinitely, pending further investigation, and his name will be removed from the Stanley Cup as an example of poor sportsmanship.

  12. Surly & Bobby: It was brilliant if you got ahold of the NJ mafia branch and asked them to kindly please intervene to have a nice conversation with Elias about his knees.

    Kings will get Game 6 puck
    Posted by Rich Hammond on 28 June 2012, 4:25 pm
    Hey, guess what Patrik Elias found in his equipment bag? The puck from the end of Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals.

    Michael Altieri, the Kings’ vice president of communication, reports that the Kings got a call, letting them know that they puck would be returned. Elias, according to the Devils, returned from vacation, went to the rink, checked his equipment bag and found the puck. Altieri said the Kings will make a donation to Elias’ favored charity and they will get the puck. [A voluntary donation, it should be noted.]

    The puck has been identified as the correct one, so there are no shenanigans going on. It is amazing, though, how a little public embarrassment can turn things around. For those not familiar with the saga, it can be recapped through previous posts here and here.

    In other, completely unrelated news, there is no further word yet on the Drew Doughty incident. Craig Renetzky, Doughty’s attorney, said again today that no charging decision has yet been made by the district attorney’s office. Renetzky has expected, for more than a week, that no charges would be filed.

  13. James Gandolfino’s gut and hairline, Badabing!!!!

  14. If we get it back, make sure K-y removal process has been completed.


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