Since winning the Stanley Cup, I have spent a lot of my free time watching highlights and the entire telecast of game 6 (both CBC and NBC feed). That was some of the free time I used for sex. Therefore, I am having less sex. That means teenage Kings fans who spend their free time doing the same thing are also having less sex. Therefore, winning the Stanley Cup reduces the rate of teenage pregnancy.

I generally notice people’s faces and study them. Since winning the Stanley Cup, I have paid far less attention to faces. I have therefore observed fewer faces. Henceforth, winning the Stanley Cup reduces acne.

I hated Rob Blake and Marty McSorley. Since winning the Stanley Cup, I have not thought about them with any hatred or angst. I have forgiven them. Therefore, winning the Stanley Cup brings love.

Since winning the Stanley Cup, I have spent money I otherwise would not have spent on Stanley Cup hats, shirts, memorabilia and other championship items. Hundreds of thousands of other fans have done the same. This has placed more money into the stream of commerce. Therefore, winning the Stanley Cup has had a more positive impact for the United States economy than the last two Presidents, combined.

Winning the Stanley Cup has caused more people in Southern California to pay attention to hockey. This will cause more parents to get their kids to play hockey as opposed to baseball or basketball. Baseball and basketball players like rap music. Rap music is generally associated with gangs. Therefore, winning the Stanley Cup will reduce crime.

Winning the Stanley Cup will hurt the feelings of Anaheim Ducks and Vancouver Canucks fans. This in turn will cause such fans to be more upset at their own team and therefore more likely to stop following them. This will decrease these two teams’ fan bases. Their departed fans will not breed children who grow up to be Ducks and Canucks fans. Winning the Stanley Cup will make the world’s population, as a whole, less stupid.

Winning the Stanley Cup has caused Surly to stress less about the offseason and therefore spend more time on his scripts. Surly will now finish his scripts and submit them to studios. Winning the Stanley Cup will improve television.

Winning the Stanley Cup will cause more coveted free agents to consider L.A. as a destination. More coveted free agents means more talent comes to L.A. More talent to L.A. means great teams in L.A. Great teams in L.A. means more Stanley Cups. Winning the Stanley Cup in L.A. will lead to more Stanley Cups in L.A., which will continue to make the world a better place for everyone.