How Winning The Stanley Cup Reduces Acne, Teenage Pregnancy, Crime and More…

Since winning the Stanley Cup, I have spent a lot of my free time watching highlights and the entire telecast of game 6 (both CBC and NBC feed). That was some of the free time I used for sex. Therefore, I am having less sex. That means teenage Kings fans who spend their free time doing the same thing are also having less sex. Therefore, winning the Stanley Cup reduces the rate of teenage pregnancy.

I generally notice people’s faces and study them. Since winning the Stanley Cup, I have paid far less attention to faces. I have therefore observed fewer faces. Henceforth, winning the Stanley Cup reduces acne.

I hated Rob Blake and Marty McSorley. Since winning the Stanley Cup, I have not thought about them with any hatred or angst. I have forgiven them. Therefore, winning the Stanley Cup brings love.

Since winning the Stanley Cup, I have spent money I otherwise would not have spent on Stanley Cup hats, shirts, memorabilia and other championship items. Hundreds of thousands of other fans have done the same. This has placed more money into the stream of commerce. Therefore, winning the Stanley Cup has had a more positive impact for the United States economy than the last two Presidents, combined.

Winning the Stanley Cup has caused more people in Southern California to pay attention to hockey. This will cause more parents to get their kids to play hockey as opposed to baseball or basketball. Baseball and basketball players like rap music. Rap music is generally associated with gangs. Therefore, winning the Stanley Cup will reduce crime.

Winning the Stanley Cup will hurt the feelings of Anaheim Ducks and Vancouver Canucks fans. This in turn will cause such fans to be more upset at their own team and therefore more likely to stop following them. This will decrease these two teams’ fan bases. Their departed fans will not breed children who grow up to be Ducks and Canucks fans. Winning the Stanley Cup will make the world’s population, as a whole, less stupid.

Winning the Stanley Cup has caused Surly to stress less about the offseason and therefore spend more time on his scripts. Surly will now finish his scripts and submit them to studios. Winning the Stanley Cup will improve television.

Winning the Stanley Cup will cause more coveted free agents to consider L.A. as a destination. More coveted free agents means more talent comes to L.A. More talent to L.A. means great teams in L.A. Great teams in L.A. means more Stanley Cups. Winning the Stanley Cup in L.A. will lead to more Stanley Cups in L.A., which will continue to make the world a better place for everyone.

Categories: Surly & Scribe Humor


23 replies

  1. Thanks for the “6 Degrees of Stanley Cup”!

  2. I would concur with everything. I would postulate that the Cup win has helped to suppress global warming as the ice rinks in LA have had more patrons which then in turn required more ice being made with less out door barbecuing with skaters eating food at the rink snack bar.

    • Because of the kings of the astonishing success, people (strangers, acquaintances, old, friends, new friends, back stabbers, close friends, family etc) have reached out to me in congratulations and happiness because of the Kings won the Stanley Cup. Some have even bought me shirts and hats too. In conclusion, my Kings collection is getting better as well as my social life. I really haven’t been this happy in a long time.

  3. Hmmm. Winning the Cup means more happy inebriated fans means more bacon wrapped hot dogs consumed on Figueroa means more money transferred to Latin America by legal means, therefore we have reduced the influence of the drug cartels whilst keeping currency flowing throughout the western hemisphere and improving the overall quality of life. So the effect is an overall improvement in quality of life, a reduction in drug related crime and a change in TJ’s most asked question from “you want gum” to “you want a Kings jersey”? Changing the world, party people! One Cup at a time.

  4. There is no disputing this logic. Once again Bobby put on full display his genius

  5. Hey Bobby, was there a subtle influence of those excellent ‘don’t get cable’ commercials woven into your writing here? If so it worked great.

  6. One dubious change is that the porno queens from the Santa Monica Mtns and Valley will be attending Staples this next season to flash their wares behind the benches off visiting team coaches, so that there will be less porno videos. But on the other hand, they may in turn set up a camera crew into some of the basement hide away rooms below Staples, or in some select cases, maybe in one of the fire exits or the roof of Staples.

  7. Took the words right out of my mouth!

  8. One fallback: Winning the Stanley Cup makes me want to often celebrate – celebrating involves drinking – drinking means I don’t go to the gym – alcoholism, obesity and liver disease are direct results of the Kings winning the Stanley Cup :(

    • LOL…okay, switch to wine as it is good for your heart. Weed would not lead to those diseases, but rather could get a decent high while at the games next season.

      • I don’t know man if Matt started smoking pot all the time he might stop writing blogs, which would force me to read rich hammond…

  9. I agree with most except the last point. We have yet to get the coveted free agents. If you’re telling me that Stoll and his 21 points and Penner and his 18 points are coveted then we’re all suffering from a Stanley Cup hangover. As far as I’m concern the new year started on July 1 and all we have to show for it is Penner. No Parise, no Suter, no Hudler, probably no Doan, and definitely no Weber. I don’t want the Kings to become Carolina, Tampa Bay, Boston, Chicago, or the Fucks. I want them to be the Devils from 94-03 and/or perennial contenders that Detroit has been for 17 years. As far as I’m concerned we’re back to square one and no big free agents have signed here despite our great Stanley Cup run.

  10. That is my favorite writing of the Los Angeles Kings winning the 2012 Stanley Cup!!!

    There for winning the Stanley Cup gave you something to write about. Winning the Cup has made me read more and laugh at your blog.
    Winning the Stanley Cup has made me laugh more!
    Thank you =)

  11. somehow I missed this little gem.. I Like it! TY for a reason to smile.. not the best of days..
    but King talk always make me feel ok..
    GO KINGS GO!!!


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