Surly is a sneaky bastard. If you have read us long enough, you know his stealth like ninja skills are inhuman. We have documented his accolades so future generations can marvel at his skill-set. Sure, I have completed a few missions here and there. The L.A. Kings Father-Son dinner, as one example, was challenging but, for the most part, danger is Surly’s middle name. So when he called me today and told me he managed to track down Shane Doan’s phone number so I can get an interview with him, I was excited. I asked him how the hell he got it and all he would say is, “let’s just say there is a leather faced whore in Glendale with your name on her.” I assume he meant Glendale, California. I was too pumped to be concerned about what such a statement implied. I called Shane Doan.

Doan: “Hello?”

Me: “Shane?”

Doan: “Yes.”

Me: “Doan?”

Doan: “Yes.”

Me: “Shane?”

Doan: “Who is this?”

Me: “Doan?”

Doan; “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Me: “Bobby Scribe, baby! How the hell are you, you cantankerous curmudgeon?”

Doan: “What did you call me?”

Me: “A stud, because that is who you are. I mean, how close did you guys come to getting to the Stanley Cup Final? If you had just won one more game, plus a second game, and a third game that was never going to fucking happen, you were almost there, right?”

Doan: “I am hanging up the phone…”

Me: “No, no, don’t be like that, I actually called to do you a huge favor and help you out.”

Doan: “Who are you?”

Me: “Bobby Scribe. Surly and Scribe. L.A. Kings news dot com. The blog. John Hoven.”

Doan: “Oh, John, how are you man? Why didn’t you just say it was you?”

Me: “Because it isn’t…”

Doan: “What?”

Me: “It doesn’t matter, listen, the reason I called is because I wanted to speak with you about free agency and your agent. I am not sure he has your best interest at heart, Shaney.”

Doan: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I just read an article. There are a lot of teams interested in you but then your agent, and I will quote it, says, ‘Bross said he had received one offer from a club earlier Tuesday and probably had others in his email, but hasn’t had time to sort through it because he is at baseball’s All-Star Game.’ You see what I mean?”

Doan: “Yeah, I think I do.”

Me: “You don’t want someone representing you that watches baseball. That right there shows a certain mental defect, right?”

Doan: “You are making a lot of sense.”

Me: “I often do. I know what teams have made you offers and the teams you have it narrowed down to.”

Doan: “You do?”

Me: “Of course! I will prove it to you. Tell me what teams you are seriously considering and I will tell you if it matches my list.”

Doan: “Um. Okay. Detroit, Chicago, Vancouver, Toronto and L.A.”

Me: “You see [holding back a dry heave at the sound of L.A.], that is my list exactly.”

Doan: “Wow. You’re good.”

Me: “Thank you. Which brings me to the last team you mentioned. L.A. Boy, how do I say this buddy, L.A. is bad news. Not for you.”

Doan: “Why do you say that?”

Me: “Look. I am really tight with Dean Lombardi. He loves all of us bloggers, but me the most. I heard him speaking with Dustin Brown…you know Brownie well, right?”

Doan: “I know that bastard.”

Me: “Exactly. He is the team captain, Shane. That is a big deal. After that dirty, vile, repulsive, unnecessary, legal, outrageous hit he put on Rozsival, do you really think you can play on the same team as him?”

Doan: “I think so.”

Me: “Well, he doesn’t, Doanster. In fact, since winning the Cup, Lombardi and ownership have said to Dustin Brown that what he wants, he gets. So what do you think he wants?”

Doan: “Pussy?”

Me: “No, man. He wants you…actually, I guess that is a yes, anyway, what he wants is to hurt you. He is a vindictive prick that way.”

Doan: “But how can he hurt me?”

Me: “You sign here, think you have a chance at the Cup, right?”

Doan: “Absolutely.”

Me: “Three year contract, around 11 to 15 million, right?”

Doan: “Sounds good.”

Me: “Will it sound good when L.A. ships you off in a three way deal to the worst hockey destination you can imagine?”

Doan: “Phoenix?”

Me: “Worse.”

Doan: “Columbus?”

Me: “Worse.”

Doan: “No!!”

Me: “Yes!!”

Doan: “How do you know that?”

Me: “Dean fucking told me.”

Doan: “For what?”

Me: “Hello? Bobby Ryan. We throw in a shitty prospect and it’s done.”

Doan: “Jesus. You really think Bob Murray is that stupid?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Doan: “No. That was rhetorical.”

Me: “So, what do you think now?”

Doan: “I think you have given me something to really think about. I should take L.A. off my list, eh?”

Me: [fist pumping while mouthing a silent scream] “It really is in your best interest, Shane. You’re getting older. These are your last few years in the league and I want the best for you.”

Doan: “Okay. I will tell my agent. Hey, thanks a lot for the head’s up.”

Me: “My pleasure…truly, my pleasure.”

Go Kings!