So, I Just Talked to Shane Doan…

Surly is a sneaky bastard. If you have read us long enough, you know his stealth like ninja skills are inhuman. We have documented his accolades so future generations can marvel at his skill-set. Sure, I have completed a few missions here and there. The L.A. Kings Father-Son dinner, as one example, was challenging but, for the most part, danger is Surly’s middle name. So when he called me today and told me he managed to track down Shane Doan’s phone number so I can get an interview with him, I was excited. I asked him how the hell he got it and all he would say is, “let’s just say there is a leather faced whore in Glendale with your name on her.” I assume he meant Glendale, California. I was too pumped to be concerned about what such a statement implied. I called Shane Doan.

Doan: “Hello?”

Me: “Shane?”

Doan: “Yes.”

Me: “Doan?”

Doan: “Yes.”

Me: “Shane?”

Doan: “Who is this?”

Me: “Doan?”

Doan; “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Me: “Bobby Scribe, baby! How the hell are you, you cantankerous curmudgeon?”

Doan: “What did you call me?”

Me: “A stud, because that is who you are. I mean, how close did you guys come to getting to the Stanley Cup Final? If you had just won one more game, plus a second game, and a third game that was never going to fucking happen, you were almost there, right?”

Doan: “I am hanging up the phone…”

Me: “No, no, don’t be like that, I actually called to do you a huge favor and help you out.”

Doan: “Who are you?”

Me: “Bobby Scribe. Surly and Scribe. L.A. Kings news dot com. The blog. John Hoven.”

Doan: “Oh, John, how are you man? Why didn’t you just say it was you?”

Me: “Because it isn’t…”

Doan: “What?”

Me: “It doesn’t matter, listen, the reason I called is because I wanted to speak with you about free agency and your agent. I am not sure he has your best interest at heart, Shaney.”

Doan: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I just read an article. There are a lot of teams interested in you but then your agent, and I will quote it, says, ‘Bross said he had received one offer from a club earlier Tuesday and probably had others in his email, but hasn’t had time to sort through it because he is at baseball’s All-Star Game.’ You see what I mean?”

Doan: “Yeah, I think I do.”

Me: “You don’t want someone representing you that watches baseball. That right there shows a certain mental defect, right?”

Doan: “You are making a lot of sense.”

Me: “I often do. I know what teams have made you offers and the teams you have it narrowed down to.”

Doan: “You do?”

Me: “Of course! I will prove it to you. Tell me what teams you are seriously considering and I will tell you if it matches my list.”

Doan: “Um. Okay. Detroit, Chicago, Vancouver, Toronto and L.A.”

Me: “You see [holding back a dry heave at the sound of L.A.], that is my list exactly.”

Doan: “Wow. You’re good.”

Me: “Thank you. Which brings me to the last team you mentioned. L.A. Boy, how do I say this buddy, L.A. is bad news. Not for you.”

Doan: “Why do you say that?”

Me: “Look. I am really tight with Dean Lombardi. He loves all of us bloggers, but me the most. I heard him speaking with Dustin Brown…you know Brownie well, right?”

Doan: “I know that bastard.”

Me: “Exactly. He is the team captain, Shane. That is a big deal. After that dirty, vile, repulsive, unnecessary, legal, outrageous hit he put on Rozsival, do you really think you can play on the same team as him?”

Doan: “I think so.”

Me: “Well, he doesn’t, Doanster. In fact, since winning the Cup, Lombardi and ownership have said to Dustin Brown that what he wants, he gets. So what do you think he wants?”

Doan: “Pussy?”

Me: “No, man. He wants you…actually, I guess that is a yes, anyway, what he wants is to hurt you. He is a vindictive prick that way.”

Doan: “But how can he hurt me?”

Me: “You sign here, think you have a chance at the Cup, right?”

Doan: “Absolutely.”

Me: “Three year contract, around 11 to 15 million, right?”

Doan: “Sounds good.”

Me: “Will it sound good when L.A. ships you off in a three way deal to the worst hockey destination you can imagine?”

Doan: “Phoenix?”

Me: “Worse.”

Doan: “Columbus?”

Me: “Worse.”

Doan: “No!!”

Me: “Yes!!”

Doan: “How do you know that?”

Me: “Dean fucking told me.”

Doan: “For what?”

Me: “Hello? Bobby Ryan. We throw in a shitty prospect and it’s done.”

Doan: “Jesus. You really think Bob Murray is that stupid?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Doan: “No. That was rhetorical.”

Me: “So, what do you think now?”

Doan: “I think you have given me something to really think about. I should take L.A. off my list, eh?”

Me: [fist pumping while mouthing a silent scream] “It really is in your best interest, Shane. You’re getting older. These are your last few years in the league and I want the best for you.”

Doan: “Okay. I will tell my agent. Hey, thanks a lot for the head’s up.”

Me: “My pleasure…truly, my pleasure.”

Go Kings!

Categories: Surly & Scribe Skits

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22 replies

  1. So why would you tell him? That would be fucking fantastic to ship Doan off to Anaheim for Bobby Ryan.

  2. ok… so you won my heart with: and quickly became a fan… then i read: thats when i knew this was the blog i was gonna follow… last night i read: thats when i knew i made the right decision… all i can say is Thank You Thank You Thank you!!!!! Not only do i enjoy reading the posts as they are funny as hell and superbly written. Not to mention you guys use the same terminology and slang as i do. Which makes it easier and more fun to read. so yeah… just thought id show some love to you guys for having the best sports blog on the web. Thanks again for giving me a place to spend the off season! keep doing it like you guys do!

    • Our pleasure. No idea how you ended up in moderation but I think it was because of the three links you included in your comment. The blog can be touchy that way and thinks you may be spam. Sorry if you hung out there for an hour. Hopefully, someone brought you cold beer.

      • no worries.. lol.. No cold beers.. those days are behind me now.. ( I knew i had been drinking to much when i slept with a Ducks fan) an all time low… But thanks To Proposition 215 and the wonderful Doctors on the boardwalk of Venice Beach… I was waiting very patiently…. ;)

  3. oh yea then i read this: “So, I Just Talked to Shane Doan… which inspired me to write a thank you letter…

  4. Bobby, you made an another ass of that guy, where he now wears two of them. I don’t know how you can sleep at night with such dirty tricks? Oh, check that, I guess you do sleep good at night afterwards on such stuff.

    Anyway, this was beautiful reverse psychology, since he will read this and for sure never want to sign up with the Kings.

    You may have forced him now to sign up with the Wings, which is like being banished to Siberia. Hooray for that!

  5. Shane Doan on the Kings would make my nonexistent pussy drip from pleasure.

  6. Fuck.

    The End.

  7. The Kings just sent the curse to the Arabian Sea for burial, and so we don’t need any Doan curse that requires another drop into that sea.

  8. hey you cats (anf gtinng jfreakd!) Kings wom thr egfing cip. abd if doab nrcomes a king ill dropem like outa a ratbirds asd.

  9. love it ..hoping we hear soon he is Toronto..yeah.. just like Ott going far we do not have to see but once or twice.. I do not have as serious a dislke for him as Ott.. but after
    the playoff series he did go down about 100 points in my respect book..
    GO KINGS GO !!!

  10. Agent: 16 teams have inquired about Shane Doan

    Who knows, maybe by tomorrow, there are 29 teams that wants him, except the Kings.

  11. Doan says July 16th is his new date. We don’t care if he moves it to July 16, 2013.

  12. Shane Doan can: “Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut” or “Sniff hog”!
    I really don’t care.
    I just don’t ever and I mean ever, want to see that PRICK in a Kings jersey.
    The End
    Go Kings, For 2!!!!

  13. Okay I’m not the biggest Shane Doan fan.

    Well I’m not a fan of his but why would you do that?

    Sure I hate the guy because (as my family calls him)

    He’s the “Kings Killer” but I hate it cuz he’s not a King

    Sure we have a championship roster but championship teams need to tweak up their rosters a bit

    And even though he would most likely take a 3rd line role

    Our beloved Luc did the same thing in Detroit because they were the best chance to win it.

    If this is actually a true transcript then I hope DL and the rest of Kings management aren’t wasting their time pursing Doan after this


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