Drew Doughty has been found…actually he hasn’t been found of anything. The L.A. District Attorney’s Office has decided not to prosecute based on “insufficient evidence.” That’s good because prosecuting people for having consensual sex would leave a bad precedent and get a lot of us in trouble…present company included.
So what does Drew do now? He celebrates. I put myself in his skates (which for some reason immediately caused a big goofy smile across my face) and came up with a top 10 celebration list that is guaranteed for 99.9% accuracy. If you are not familiar with the background of this Drew Doughty drama, then read you bum! Read!
10. Have consensual sex with a girl who thinks he is an asshole.
9. Call the girl who complained, explain how disappointed he is in her for the false accusations and confirm he is willing to forgive her by agreeing to another go-around.
8. Only have sex with girls that are L.A. Kings fans because they are easy and cool.
7. Do this shit in London, Ontario where everyone is less uptight because they have Universal Healthcare.
6. Have a witness present in all future acts of sexual congress…preferably the designated girl’s attractive friend or sister.
5. Masturbate more.
4. Watch game 6.
3. Seriously consider settling down with a nice, normal girl like Paulina Gretzky.
2. Drink with Surly and Scribe while he talks shit about Matt Barry.
And the number one way Drew Doughty will celebrate now that the L.A. District Attorney’s Office won’t charge him?
1. Prank call Jamie Kompon, pretend to be Dean Lombardi and offer Kompon his old job back.
Post Script: If he decides to do non of those things…there is always softball.