Top 10 Ways Drew Doughty Will Celebrate Now That The District Attorney’s Office Won’t Charge Him

Drew Doughty has been found…actually he hasn’t been found of anything. The L.A. District Attorney’s Office has decided not to prosecute based on “insufficient evidence.” That’s good because prosecuting people for having consensual sex would leave a bad precedent and get a lot of us in trouble…present company included.

So what does Drew do now? He celebrates. I put myself in his skates (which for some reason immediately caused a big goofy smile across my face) and came up with a top 10 celebration list that is guaranteed for 99.9% accuracy. If you are not familiar with the background of this Drew Doughty drama, then read you bum! Read!

10. Have consensual sex with a girl who thinks he is an asshole.

9. Call the girl who complained, explain how disappointed he is in her for the false accusations and confirm he is willing to forgive her by agreeing to another go-around.

8. Only have sex with girls that are L.A. Kings fans because they are easy and cool.

7. Do this shit in London, Ontario where everyone is less uptight because they have Universal Healthcare.

6. Have a witness present in all future acts of sexual congress…preferably the designated girl’s attractive friend or sister.

5. Masturbate more.

4. Watch game 6.

3. Seriously consider settling down with a nice, normal girl like Paulina Gretzky.

2. Drink with Surly and Scribe while he talks shit about Matt Barry.

And the number one way Drew Doughty will celebrate now that the L.A. District Attorney’s Office won’t charge him?

1. Prank call Jamie Kompon, pretend to be Dean Lombardi and offer Kompon his old job back.

GO KINGS!

Post Script: If he decides to do non of those things…there is always softball.



Categories: Surly & Scribe Top 10 list

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8 replies

  1. Does Dewey hate Matt Barry that much? I’ve never met him, but I do read him on occasion, but not enough to have an opinion of him.

  2. Ba-da-da………
    Thank you ladies and gentlemen.

  3. Kompon joke = brilliant.

  4. Seriously…Drew needs to learn from this. Can’t just hop in the sack indiscretionately with anyone he meets, no matter how hot they are. He’s got a good thing going and does not need problems like this. Stay out of the cross hairs…

    P.S. No jokes about using your head

    • How about cross hairs? Can we joke about that?

      • I usually take my glasses off for that.

        FYI I feel for Drew. I bet this bitch was crazy as a loon. You know what they say, “crazy in the head…crazy in bed”. But if it is an ordinary Joe with some psycho bitch, great. But Drew can’t do that…

  5. This was dodging bullets for too many months. This was good but slow justice. Now he might be given suit papers to try to shake him down. Yet that will be a nuisance case and nominal payoff to send her packing.
    The lesson here is to play smarter sex defense by plenty of poke checking and hip checks then authoritive forechecking to gain possession for a score.

  6. I guess I missed this tidbit in the original story, but Drew and this women had consensual sex prior to this alleged incident.

    With that being the case, this was a no brainer decision when coupled with the rest of the weird story.

    http://stats.csnphilly.com/nhl/story.asp?i=20120718193038320175608

    If he is going to have sex with her again, please get all in writing and videos and send it out to Google so that we all know what came down and don’t have to worry about this again…lol

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