Survival Advice for the L.A. Kings Bandwagon Fans

My fellow Die-Hards, it’s time you accept a fact. As Detroit has in herds as does Chicago and Pittsburgh, raising the Stanley Cup in Los Angeles will unearth fans who are new to the sport and will seek a sense of acceptance among us. They will not have felt our many years and decades of pain. They won’t know the pit of darkness that accompanied the mantra, “the future is bright” as they have only seen the light. They do not come here on merit. They ride in on the bandwagon and, as Dustin Penner appropriately noted, we need a bigger one. But I don’t write this article for you. I know you. You are me and I don’t talk to myself anymore. Instead, this is for them – the bandwagon fans – tips and tricks, the worst of all vice, advice, for them and those of their kind who join our fan base.

Read carefully you immigrants to our hallowed land. The life you save may be your own.

Do not refer to October of 2011 through February 2012 as a “difficult era in Kings history.” You will only piss us off.

You can’t just hate Anaheim, San Jose and Vancouver fans at games and expect to do it well. Hate is like any other skill-set. You must practice.

Die-Hard fans have trained lung capacities that frighten children and animals upon exertion. Scream at least 11 times per day. Upon waking, after you shower, in the car and at stop lights, during each 10 minute break at work, at people in the elevator, to the drive-through attendant when he is about to give you change, on the phone with your parents, at the neighbor’s cat.

Do not try to curse like Surly and I do on this site or weave in female body part references in dialogue when you address fellow fans. We are trained professionals. Be patient, read often and steadily build your vocabulary.

Do not intervene into discussions about Rob Blake and Marty McSorley. Just nod your head and observe.

If you were previously a fan of another hockey team and have only become a Kings fan since the 2012 playoffs commenced, please keep that to yourself. Few things will get you the stuck pig treatment faster.

It’s okay to be nice to people from Canada but don’t engage them in discussion about hockey. They actually know what the fuck they are talking about. Leave such matters to our Die-Hards. If a Canadian starts a hockey discussion with you, yell out “Look! Curling!” and when he turns, run the other way.

Do not flirt with our women or refer to them as “babe”, “doll” or “honey.” If you falter and they smile in response, it’s not a sign of affection. They are preparing to rip your dick off.

Buy Die-Hards drinks. Think of each drink like absolution for a future sin you will commit. Build up those reserves.

Print out this post, keep a copy on your fridge and in your car. Have your girlfriend read it to you before you go to bed. Tape it on her back when you have her from behind. Make it part of your daily routine. In a few years, perhaps you will be on your way to becoming one of us.



Categories: Surly & Scribe Humor

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16 replies

  1. Learn to eat shit and lick the plate clean.

    Commit yourself to performing the prior rule over the span of ye-e-ears.

    Always give up your seat on a crowded subway train to anyone wearing a Forum-gold Danny Maloney jersey.

    As is mentioned in the Master List, do not try to curse like the rest of us. But if it is physically essential that you so so, the only adjective that may be permissibly uttered more than once in a single sentence is “fucking”.

    Drug use is only allowed before, during, and after games — and at all other times, whether in hockey season or not. This rule is rigorously enforced.

    It’s okay for your female date to wear another team’s jersey to games at Staples Center — so long as she’s otherwise completely nude.

    The foregoing rule also applies if your date is wearing a Kings jersey.

    It is considered bad form for you to chase after an opposing team’s fan while exhibiting your dick. Some consideration is allowed when such conduct follows a win over Vancouver or any team in the Pacific Division.

    Under no circumstances is beer ever to be spilled — except on the pants of Ducks fans.

  2. If your a real Kings fan, we all know it. If your NOT a real Kings fan, then you better get out of town. Finally I dont have to listen to my non hockey acqaintenceces asking me when is my team going to win the Stanely Cup, cuz now I can look them in thier beady little eyes and scream “NOW, THEY WON THE CUP NOW, AND THEY ARE THE KINGS,THEY ARE MY TEAM!” and hope they run off with thier tail between thier legs embarassed in the knowledge that they once mocked me and my team. I rest my case.

  3. You speak with great foresight and wisdom nurtured by years of pain and wear and tear in the trenches, with occasional hospitalization for the wounds inflicted over the many seasons of futility or near greatness that was at times within reach and smell. You are our Dali Lama, our guiding light of sustenance for our task at hand.

    I would compare this matter to that of a seasoned, cantankerous, heavily decorated boot camp DI. We die hard fans that were given birth over the many seasons are now transformed into a new duty and station in life in the Kingdom. The Kingdom has entrusted us to carry on with the traditions and the sacred honors bestowed by our trials and tribulations.

    We are are presently the legions of DIs with those bandwagon boots to be responsible for. They are naive and fresh, civilians that had easy lives and three squares to eat, with mommy hugging them and daddy tucking them into bed. They are now in our DI custody and care. We must train and educate them to be able to endure what ever comes their way. They must be prepared for the worse, and pass the tests.

    They must survive above all things, and they must learn to protect their fellow bandwagoners that join up. In the final analysis, they must have the courage and conviction and steadfastness to uphold everything that this Kingdom stands for. This is essential and mandatory, for them to learn that this is no easy Kingdom to defend nor fight for. They have to be ready for every contingency and prevail and triumph no matter the controversy or seeds of doubt or dejection that may suddenly appear in the rink or in the locker room or front office.

    We must instill in them a sense of purpose and glory by fighting the good fan fight, for what is righteous and class. They must be ready at all times to call out for any injustices being attempted against the team and this Kingdom. They must be ever vigilant for those enemies that may sneak attack or demean the Kingdom. They have to be on guard for the petty selfishness and maligned intentions of those that will seek some harm to the Kingdom. They must be ready to respond aggressively to the tactics of stupidity and imbecility of those that will attempt to slander and trash talk the Kingdom. There must be no holds barred. Every weapon, cunning, ambush, and device must be within their disposal to keep the Kingdom safe and sound and proud.

    So, ah yes, we are the new legions of DIs, that now must mold these neophytes, who wish to carry our jock straps, bras, or purse, as the case may be. They can succeed, and once they do, they can show the badge of the Kingdom, wearing it proudly far and near. They can legitimately become intoxicated at games, pre-games, and post games, with great class and envy by the bystanders. They can cheer with the best there ever was. They can hold the banners of the Cup Champions with full privileges and qualifications earned, not given.

    Our solemn duty as DIs for these bandwangoners is to let them walk this city, and this country, and even into Canada, or Europe, with an air of great pride and integrity, where the multitudes are in awe and admiration. Above all, they must be instilled to proclaim that the Kings were long in waiting, but once they achieved, then innumerable old records were slashed and burned, with many supernatural new replacement records created that no hockey team nor player can ever imagine to duplicate or exceed. Beyond even that, our Kings created records that were not even calculated to be of this world, with hockey or any human competitive endeavor.

    These new entering freshmen of recruit bandwagoners must always appreciate that this present team did the impossible but made it nevertheless possible. The simple fact is this team was on a mission and there was nobody, but nobody this year that was going to deprive our team of its just and deserved CUP.

    With this foundation being laid, these bandwagoners are welcomed and at least extended a warm greeting to carry on with what has been made ready for them. We want them and need them, as we desire and need the new blood over time so that they will be marching in our shoes and upholding everything that is so important and sacred for us die hards.

    When our days are finally over in the Kingdom, we will want to be laid to rest with full Kingdom honors, with a 12 gun firing salute, and with the banners of the black and white royal crown draped over our departed souls. Our epitaphs shall read: “to the so devoted few, who gave so much, for so long, to achieve the majestic pinnacles of greatness in game 6, in the year of our lord, June 11, 2012, at Staples Arena, Downtown Los Angeles, the shiny fortress and redoubt of the Kingdom.

    Our motto to our descendants must be: “faith, trust, spirit, victory, and rave celebration everlasting!”

    • Fuck long winded are we? Fight club meets the marines. Agreed and all of that with a whole lot less creativity and cleverness.

  4. Above all, they must accept the fact that the Insider is the Junior Varsity of opinion

  5. In short newbies smile and nod when we speak about our beloved sport and team. And for the love of god dont stand up in your seat when the puck is in play

  6. I think that those “fans” who jumped ship and became Ducks fans during their (still makes me sick to my stomach to say this) Stanley Cup run, only to come back when our beloved Kings hoisted Lord Stanley’s Cup claiming to be Kings fans should fuck off.

    You lost all LA Kings fans privileges when you turned your back to the Crown.

    GO KINGS GO! 2012 SCC!

  7. I had something clever to say. However, it’s unlikely anyone else would have appreciated it. In the future, when I do allow you to read that which tickles my meninges, please refrain from applause or jeering (or whatever default response that you learned in grade school which didn’t result humiliation). Instead, go to Kings game and buy SnS several drinks. Two-line pass mofo!

  8. It is really super to see such home town support, and this is exactly what should be the case. I have a bunch of family living all through Canada. I hear all the time from them that it is always a big deal when the CUP comes around to the different communities. This is just one example about what makes hockey the best sport going IMO.

  9. Out of all the garbage you’ve spread throughout these pages, this piece of crap has to be one of my favorites. Well excreted kind, sir!


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