Survival Advice for the L.A. Kings Bandwagon Fans
My fellow Die-Hards, it’s time you accept a fact. As Detroit has in herds as does Chicago and Pittsburgh, raising the Stanley Cup in Los Angeles will unearth fans who are new to the sport and will seek a sense of acceptance among us. They will not have felt our many years and decades of pain. They won’t know the pit of darkness that accompanied the mantra, “the future is bright” as they have only seen the light. They do not come here on merit. They ride in on the bandwagon and, as Dustin Penner appropriately noted, we need a bigger one. But I don’t write this article for you. I know you. You are me and I don’t talk to myself anymore. Instead, this is for them – the bandwagon fans – tips and tricks, the worst of all vice, advice, for them and those of their kind who join our fan base.
Read carefully you immigrants to our hallowed land. The life you save may be your own.
Do not refer to October of 2011 through February 2012 as a “difficult era in Kings history.” You will only piss us off.
You can’t just hate Anaheim, San Jose and Vancouver fans at games and expect to do it well. Hate is like any other skill-set. You must practice.
Die-Hard fans have trained lung capacities that frighten children and animals upon exertion. Scream at least 11 times per day. Upon waking, after you shower, in the car and at stop lights, during each 10 minute break at work, at people in the elevator, to the drive-through attendant when he is about to give you change, on the phone with your parents, at the neighbor’s cat.
Do not try to curse like Surly and I do on this site or weave in female body part references in dialogue when you address fellow fans. We are trained professionals. Be patient, read often and steadily build your vocabulary.
Do not intervene into discussions about Rob Blake and Marty McSorley. Just nod your head and observe.
If you were previously a fan of another hockey team and have only become a Kings fan since the 2012 playoffs commenced, please keep that to yourself. Few things will get you the stuck pig treatment faster.
It’s okay to be nice to people from Canada but don’t engage them in discussion about hockey. They actually know what the fuck they are talking about. Leave such matters to our Die-Hards. If a Canadian starts a hockey discussion with you, yell out “Look! Curling!” and when he turns, run the other way.
Do not flirt with our women or refer to them as “babe”, “doll” or “honey.” If you falter and they smile in response, it’s not a sign of affection. They are preparing to rip your dick off.
Buy Die-Hards drinks. Think of each drink like absolution for a future sin you will commit. Build up those reserves.
Print out this post, keep a copy on your fridge and in your car. Have your girlfriend read it to you before you go to bed. Tape it on her back when you have her from behind. Make it part of your daily routine. In a few years, perhaps you will be on your way to becoming one of us.