In negotiations, I have been called a hard ass, asshole and, well, even worse. I negotiate big contracts. It’s part of my job. The CBA negotiations between the NHL players and the NHLPA more than peaks my interest – I am into it. I have gone back and looked at 2004 again just to remind myself what happened. The quotes from that time period are something else. Gary Bettman’s bullshit was so thick and, today, he looks like a blithering idiot when he tries to justify the NHL owners’ position.

Credibility – destroyed.

But that’s exactly why the fucker and all of the NHL owners are dangerous. These clowns negotiate like they have nothing to lose, as if it’s just a matter of time before the players cave in to their demands and they all call each other with a cigar in each mouth, a whiskey in hand and laughing at Donald Fehr and the players. Gary Bettman…he is taking it from behind from Beelzebub and the 22 inch thorn laced cock, a condition of Bettman’s negotiated station in life – what, you thought it was based on merit?

Slowly, my ire has grown. I sit in Donald Fehr’s position and face Bettman. The hard ass, no asshole, comes out of me. I look at my players, the ones who count on me to get them the best deal I can and I find myself ready to tear the owners limb by limb.

I don’t want to win these negotiations.

I want the owners to surrender.

I want Samueli to prefer prison than to deal with me, Rocky Wirtz to wake in the middle of the night tormented by thoughts of me, Mike Ilitch to cry for a deal between each tear he sheds for Lidstrom, Molson to curse at me in French so I can laugh at his incompetent self and tell him that Surly would rather fuck his dog than his wife because she is that ugly, ignore Jeff Vanderbeek because the poor son of a bitch has enough problems, remind Charles Wang that he isn’t important enough to insult, burst into the offices of MSG, Inc. and take a flamethrower to the place, shake Mario Lemieux’s hand right before I kick Ron Burkle in the nuts and walk in to see in horror Craig Leipold as the meat in Ed Snider and Jeremy Jacobs’ sandwich.

Fuck the owners.

That is the strategy.

Why the hell would I negotiate a deal that encourages them to do this again? Each time these assholes want something, they are going to lock my players out? No way. We are right. We are strong. The fans and public are behind us. The media has our back. Owners have leverage? Hell no. WE have leverage. We are the game. Without us, they have empty arenas.

Gary Bettman wants to play hard ball? I am going to throw strikes with his sack.

My call to Bettman: “Last offer is off the table. You will never see it again. Every player has been told to make plans to sit out the season. No, not just this one. The next one too. They are all signing in Europe and leagues around the world. Go tell your owners, the ones whom you represent, the ones in the big markets who don’t want this to drag on because they lose millions per week to stare into their empty arenas. Tell them to get used to it. We are done negotiating until two things happen. One, you are fired. Two, the salary cap, like you, is history. What’s that? Gary, I can’t understand you when you’re screaming. Ha ha. I don’t think I can physically do that. Send your wife over and I’ll try it on her first. Happy Rosh Hashanah to you too, mother fucker.”

They want to see leverage? I will leverage their shaft through their nostrils.

That 10 year NBC contract? Oops. Not a good time to flex the muscles of that 5’2″ frame, Gary.

What are they going to do? Bring up AHL players? Don’t think so. Without our boys, the league collapses. It’s no more. You think the owners are going to burn their own house down to make a point? You think Gary Bettman is going to last if Donald Fehr refuses to negotiate so long as he is the commissioner? Somehow, the media is under this impression that the owners have nothing to lose. Let me tell you something. They have everything to lose. It’s the players with the options, not the suits.

Do your job, Donald. Short term pain, long-term gain. Bring out your inner asshole and have them spittin’ blood.