Scribe thinks I’m panicking. Scribe also wishes he had my good looks, so he often likes to pretend what he’s thinking is what I’m thinking, hoping for some sort of reciprocal thought-to-looks transference.

Want to know how much I’m panicking?

I think the Kings will lose tonight. And that’s fine.

Matt over at Life In Hockeywood asked me and a few other nutbags to participate in a prediction panel this season for each game.

Here’s what I told him:

Score: Oilers 2, Kings 1 in OT

Reason: Ok so I know I’m a big jerk off for predicting that the Kings will lose. If I’m a jerk off, well, make it so and jerk me off. I think the Kings will lose because my gut tells me they will dig themselves something of a small hole to start this season before coming back with a vengeance. Tonight will be a closer game though. The Oilers will score first, in the first period or early in the second. The Kings will come back on the power play and tie it up. Then we will either lose it in overtime or in the Shootout. I know it’s shitty of me to predict a loss, particularly the kind that makes you more angry than you usually are at your boss, but don’t get upset with me, blame yourself. I’m mostly predicting this loss because I believe the hockey gods want to spite you. The ride is never all the way up and winning the Cup being the top of a long roller coaster, you’ve got a ways to fall before you can rise again. Everyone will panic because we are 0-3, Kings ticket exchange will flare up with thousands of seats looking to be sold at a discount, and then on Saturday, BAM! A dominating win.

No one on the Oilers is worth getting riled up for. The Avalanche? Please, what a group of guppies. The Chicago Blackhawks used to upset me, but then we all realized beggars are sad and pathetic. We need to look someone really disgusting in the eyes and say “hey bud, what’s your problem?” And then give him a real problem. Doan, what we need is Doan. The hockey gods may spite us now, but they’ll spite him too. The Kings don’t win a game until they get to piss off Shane Doan doing it.

You can find the rest of the predictions (turns out I’m not the only jerk off) here.

I apologize for not being full of cream and sugar. Well, maybe cream.

I suppose these prediction panels will go on for another 45 games. If you find them amusing, I’ll keep posting them here.

Once again I sadly can’t watch the game live. I’ll fast forward through my DVR at midnight when I get home from the Muse concert at Staples.