Kings @ Chicago – Why All The Goyem?

There are really no Jews in the NHL. I think Matthieu Schneider was Jewish, and I think Noah Clarke, but he barely counts. It’s a shame, I know plenty of Israeli’s who play hockey in high school, and Israeli’s tend to be Jews. It’s only a matter of time before a handful of them make it into the NHL. Hell, we’ve got a Slovenian and an Eskimo, we can gets us a Jew or six, maybe even a minion.

Happy Passover!

As I reflect on my culture which I enjoy and the associated religion which I mostly ignore, I contemplate the game I won’t get to watch, and I think on Four Questions.

Why is it that on this night Dustin Penner will wear a suit when other nights he wears the gear of a hockey player?

Why is it that on this night Jeff Carter will play with Anze Kopitar, when on all other nights he plays with Mike Richards?

Why is it that on this night Jonathan Quick will play, when on all other nights… Jonathan Quick plays?

Why is it that on this night more people are commenting on Surly & Scribe’s website when on all other nights, only a few comment?

“Well my boy, let me answer these questions for you”, the Jewish father said, who wasn’t really thinking about hockey or the questions, but rather about what would happen if he hid the afikomen in his wife’s vagina. Would he still have to pay the child who found it? Would it be accurate to say the children were getting warmer as they neared the afikomen when everything to do with his wife’s vagina was always so cold? Maybe he would hide the gold plated napkin rings his wife brought out only for Passover on his dick, then she might notice it and this night could really be different than all other nights. After a protracted silence during which time no less than three aunts and uncles passed out from having prematurely drunk their fourth glass of sugary Manischewitz wine, the leader of the Sedar finally answered the questions.

On this night Dustin Penner will sit, because on all other nights he thinks obsessively about his twitter account while he’s at work, so on this night, he deserves to relax and not have to be distracted by hockey while he tweets.

On this night Jeff Carter will play alongside Anze Kopitar, because the Pharaoh Sutter one day gave Carter a speedy left winger, thus increasing Carter’s goal production. In this way, Pharaoh Sutter tricked the fans into thinking that high goal total would be maintained on all nights. So on this night, we give Carter a rest by placing him with Anze Kopitar so that he may more easily meet the goal quota Pharaoh Sutter placed on him.

On this night Jonathan Quick will play because… Well, fuck you for asking a stupid question. Ask another one and Pharaoh Sutter will flog you.

On this night more people comment on Surly & Scribe because the false prophet, son of Jaroslav Yokobednar, Bobby Scribe, has helped to spread rumors and speculation about an exodus of Jerome Iginla, wandering through the desert to the promised land of Los Angeles. But during the journey, the followers got lost, and now comment feverishly, a manifestation of heat stroke.

Now that those pertinent questions have been answered, lets get in the Sedar spirit and bathe the Hawks in the blood of the Lamb… Or wait, that’s wrong. Lets bathe ourselves in the pascal plasma so that the Angel of Shutout Death may pass us over this night.

If none of this made any sense to you, then just carry on and ignore what I said you anti-semetic bastard.


Categories: L.A. Kings News

Tags: , , ,

15 replies

  1. Cecil Hart (Hart Trophy), Ronnie Stern (former enforcer), Jason Zucker (MINN), Bill Jaffe (commentator NHL Network), Vladamir Myshkin (goalie who replaced Tretiak and allowed Eruzione’ to score 1980 Miracle), Steven Weiss (FLA), Daryl Katz (Owner EDM Oilers), Larry Tanenbaum (Co-Owner TOR Maple Leafs), Niklas Grossman (PHI), Hy Buller.
    Gotta Have Hart!

  2. The Royal Advisors might want to update the Pharoah that putting Carter on Kopi’s line makes the Hawks job easier as the decision on who to cover has been taken away . Two top scorers on the same line gives an advantage to the Hawks. Good thing Sutter likes to shift the lines around during games.

    • If Kopi and carter find chemistry together and each play a good game, the Hawks can do whatever the fuck they want to defend them, it won’t really do any good. I’ve seen this a lot on twitter today “the hawks only have to defend one line!” Scotch bugs me because it assumes that Carter and Kopi won’t bowl over whatever the defense throws at them. When those two are on, they are unstoppable on their own. Together they can do some serious damage.

      It also assumes that Richards sucks without Carter, which he doesn’t, and Toffoli and Williams are fully capable of scoring themselves. So fuck it, let the Hawks throw the best they have at the top line.

      • I think this is a good move to get Carter and Richards broken up becuase it has become stale for Richards. He was awesome in Philly and he never played with Carts and the beginning of last season, before he got concussed, was playing great before Carts was on the KIngs. I think Richards would be better off being the guy on the second line.

        Richards is the only forward on the Kings that is a minus player. Strange, very strange.

      • Yeah. Fuck the hawks D. If Kopi and Carter bring their game, they are pretty much undefendable.

    • Yes Sutter will eventually put them back together at some point during the game and they shall score thy tying and game winning goals dammit! :D

  3. Wait a fucking minute! Why isn’t Penner playing!!! :D

    He’s got a beer league game that he can’t miss. LOL

  4. Crazy Surly ;-0
    GO KINGS GO!!!

  5. Remember last season when the Kings players had to thank Quick for bailing them out after about 90% of their games… Well the tables have turned. I’m not hating, but at least 2 of those goals were softies. 4 goals on 25 shots. Ouch. I would just say it’s Chicago, what do you expect, but Hossa and Sharp weren’t playing. As Sutter said, Quick needs to find that swagger and soon.

  6. Oh yeah, just in case some of you we’re wondering, Lokti scored again tonight. That’s 6 goals on his short season. That’s better than 8 of the Kings current 12 forwards.


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