There are really no Jews in the NHL. I think Matthieu Schneider was Jewish, and I think Noah Clarke, but he barely counts. It’s a shame, I know plenty of Israeli’s who play hockey in high school, and Israeli’s tend to be Jews. It’s only a matter of time before a handful of them make it into the NHL. Hell, we’ve got a Slovenian and an Eskimo, we can gets us a Jew or six, maybe even a minion.
As I reflect on my culture which I enjoy and the associated religion which I mostly ignore, I contemplate the game I won’t get to watch, and I think on Four Questions.
Why is it that on this night Dustin Penner will wear a suit when other nights he wears the gear of a hockey player?
Why is it that on this night Jeff Carter will play with Anze Kopitar, when on all other nights he plays with Mike Richards?
Why is it that on this night Jonathan Quick will play, when on all other nights… Jonathan Quick plays?
Why is it that on this night more people are commenting on Surly & Scribe’s website when on all other nights, only a few comment?
“Well my boy, let me answer these questions for you”, the Jewish father said, who wasn’t really thinking about hockey or the questions, but rather about what would happen if he hid the afikomen in his wife’s vagina. Would he still have to pay the child who found it? Would it be accurate to say the children were getting warmer as they neared the afikomen when everything to do with his wife’s vagina was always so cold? Maybe he would hide the gold plated napkin rings his wife brought out only for Passover on his dick, then she might notice it and this night could really be different than all other nights. After a protracted silence during which time no less than three aunts and uncles passed out from having prematurely drunk their fourth glass of sugary Manischewitz wine, the leader of the Sedar finally answered the questions.
On this night Dustin Penner will sit, because on all other nights he thinks obsessively about his twitter account while he’s at work, so on this night, he deserves to relax and not have to be distracted by hockey while he tweets.
On this night Jeff Carter will play alongside Anze Kopitar, because the Pharaoh Sutter one day gave Carter a speedy left winger, thus increasing Carter’s goal production. In this way, Pharaoh Sutter tricked the fans into thinking that high goal total would be maintained on all nights. So on this night, we give Carter a rest by placing him with Anze Kopitar so that he may more easily meet the goal quota Pharaoh Sutter placed on him.
On this night Jonathan Quick will play because… Well, fuck you for asking a stupid question. Ask another one and Pharaoh Sutter will flog you.
On this night more people comment on Surly & Scribe because the false prophet, son of Jaroslav Yokobednar, Bobby Scribe, has helped to spread rumors and speculation about an exodus of Jerome Iginla, wandering through the desert to the promised land of Los Angeles. But during the journey, the followers got lost, and now comment feverishly, a manifestation of heat stroke.
Now that those pertinent questions have been answered, lets get in the Sedar spirit and bathe the Hawks in the blood of the Lamb… Or wait, that’s wrong. Lets bathe ourselves in the pascal plasma so that the Angel of Shutout Death may pass us over this night.
If none of this made any sense to you, then just carry on and ignore what I said you anti-semetic bastard.
GO JEWS— I mean, KINGS!
Categories: L.A. Kings News