I’ve always wondered about those Colorado teams from the early 2000s, the ones that kicked our asses throughout the regular seasons and twice ended our playoff dreams. Did their fans hate the Kings as much as I vehemently hated their team?

I don’t have to wonder anymore. No, they didn’t. Because they walked away with the series wins.

Hello, St. Louis Blues, meet your 2000-2002 Colorado Avalanche, but you can just refer to us as the Los Angeles Kings, the defending Stanley Cup Champs, the team that will end you in the playoffs for the second year running, or if those are more words than your note-humming city can syllabize, just call us the big ball of whoop ass.

Many pundits and reporters are looking to this series, the 4 and 5 seed matchup in the Western Conference, as what could be the best series of the Quarterfinals. On paper, these two teams match up well. A couple of large, physical teams who play smart defense and forecheck relentlessly. But let’s face it, who reads the paper anymore?

The Blues have not beaten the Kings for a long, long time, in any fashion. They hate us, and they are playing well. The Kings have the Blues’ number, we frustrate them into stupid penalties and have never had any trouble solving Brian Eeeeeeeeeeellioooooootttt.

This isn’t quite the Blues team we’ve come to know and love to play against. They have since added the dopey-eyed Jay Bouwmeester, a player no one fears. A player so uninteresting in proportion to his exorbitant paycheck, that as of this writing no one has cared to update his Wikipedia page to included the last 14 games of his career, those spent with the Blues. He’s also made his way to the list of top 10 richest people who can’t afford a good haircut. When his forehead starts to sag below those bulbous eyes of his, he’ll challenge Neil Young and Tim Burton for the top spot. Unfortunately he’ll still be well behind on the list of “accomplished something with career”.

St. Louis hopes to get back fan favorite T.J. Oshie for the series, who hasn’t played a game since March 28th, perhaps not coincidentally, against the Kings. However the Blue who is on my radar is the one we didn’t face in last year’s semifinals; rookie Vladmir Tarasenko. We saw him this year, he is a nifty forward with a deftly annoying shot. He also looks like a cheetah shat on a jackal.

On another note, this is the picture you’ll find if you visit the Blues home page.


What is that, a Stanley Cup made of pie tins? Did this kid go digging through Dustin Penner’s trash? And what the fuck is on his head? Hey, I’m sure he’s a nice boy, probably really good at watching cartoons and spastically head butting his dad in the dick, but I had a little chat with Bailey, and he swore he’d totally fucking eat that kid.

On the Kings side of things, it appears Matt Greene is about ready to return after missing the last game of the season, though he may not jump right in tonight. Dustin Brown is all set to play, having learned his lesson, I’m sure, about not giving concussion prone players concussions.

I’m feeling good about the series pending two factors: Anze Kopitar shooting the puck and Jake Muzzin’s composure. Some might say Jonathan Quick makes them nervous, but I feel like Quick started getting real hot about a week and a half ago and is primed to repeat his performance from last year. He’s nearing the top of his game right now and, like the rest of the team, knows exactly what it takes to win a Cup. So long as the Kings don’t get ahead of themselves too early thinking ahead, I expect an extra gear to be throttled tonight, one they have been saving all season.

Speaking of saving, we would be nothing without the hockey gods, so lest we need saving from ourselves, we now bow our heads, close our eyes, offer fealty and passion, simmer with anticipation, align our enemy in the crosshairs of our malignant misgivings and send forth our fanatic energies, for the good of the Kings and power of their performance.

Let us pray.

Our Kings, who art in St. Louis,
Hallowed be thy game.
Thy kingdom come, thy wills be done,
On their ice, as it was all season.
Give us this day our daily goals, and forgive no Blues their transgressions,
As we pound into submission those who trespass against us.
And lead us past the first round,
Past these evil Blues fucks.

Are you ready for playoff hockey?


Go nuts.

Go fucking nuts!