A Purpose for Penner

This is another piece from newcomer Kelsey Eyes. Some of you asked what proves she knows anything about hockey. This article probably isn’t that proof, but you also asked what a girl perspective brings, and this article definitely does that… Because like most of my experiences with women, I have no idea what the hell she is talking about and yet I still managed to enjoy it.

**Note: This article is about Dustin Penner, it will contain no Tom-Foolery about Pancakes. I do not take the subject of carb-laden ingestibles lightly – I am a model, Goddamn it. Pancakes aren’t even free range.**

You love Penner. I love Penner. My Canadian grandmother loves Penner. We follow him on Twitter and marvel at a professional athlete with a sense of humour. We add his favourite EDM tracks to our workout playlists and look at endless photos of his German Shepherd, Ryback.

We also spend a crap ton of time and money reserving and purchasing game-worn Penner jerseys that he refuses to sign. But I ain’t bitter.

We want to like him, but he when it comes to actually playing hockey, he just makes it so damn hard. During our regular season, he skates onto the ice occasionally, you know, to stretch his legs, and you can hear the crowd cajole – “Common, Penner!”, “ Jesus, Penner!”. The other night at Staples, I overheard a woman powdering her nose in the ladies room tell her friend, “Penner is gorgeous as hell, but I mean, like seriously. Get it together”.

But that was the regular season, now it’s the playoffs and with it comes a Penner who is useful.

What motivates Dustin to “get it together” during the Playoffs that just doesn’t stick throughout the season?

You see, Dustin Penner is that kid in class constantly asking the teacher, “Yeaaaaah, is this going to be on the test?” He has all the ability in the world to play hockey: a large body, he can throw his weight around in a check, he’s strong, albeit not necessarily nimble, reads situations well, and can usually hustle a puck into the net in the rebound shuffle (largely due to being an enormous eye sore in front of the crease). But he lacks motivation in situations that don’t involve the heavens opening and Anze Kopitar, in flowing white robes, appearing to him and saying, “Be not afraid, for I have delivered you the Stanley Cup. Drink from it water, and it shall be really, really expensive wine and not that five dollar Korbel crap you usually drink.”

Is it the blessings of The Father, The Son and the Holy Anze (Amen)? Or does he still believe what Quick told him that one time about getting five rings… each one representing an element of nature: Earth, Wind, Fire, Water and one that randomly represents Heart. Penner would be tasked with defending the Earth from the greatest natural disasters and also teaching kids about recycling and healthy afterschool snacks.

What isn’t clear is what I’m talking about. What IS clear is that Playoff Penner is here and Playoff Penner is on fire.

He earned my attention a mere two minutes into the first period, when I saw him jostling with Ryan Reaves during the face-off. With tremendous effort he attempts to keep Reaves’ stick from receiving a pass, and then, after thwarting his efforts, Penner skates with long strides and gains huge momentum following the puck in deep. Five game minutes later, he is taking a faceoff, he is digging the puck out from a fallen Nolan, shoving Reaves, and placing himself in front of the crease for a shot on goal that, though it was saved by Elliott, still represents the kind of play we wait too long to enjoy.

Your reaction might be; isn’t that what he is supposed to do? And it should be, I agree. The post season for Penner is almost like the Magic Hour of sunset for those of us models and photographers, when there is a special quality to the light. When Playoffs set, the spark within Penner is illuminated and suddenly he is virile, swift, and confident. Every motion has an added hum of energy and force. We wait all season to see it.

I won’t give the written play-by-play of every Penner game moment, as many of us watched the game live, and some of us super-nerds watched it several times over on DVR. However, I will leave you with the last glimmer of hope that the fingernail-eating, middle-of-shift-bench-migrating Penner has left us.

So I say to Mr. Penner, whatever is melting your butter about Playoff hockey, you do you. If it’s more physical contact with other men that is getting you in the spirit of poking things and getting things in deep, you do that. If it is the intoxicating smell of leftover food on your beard that drives you, you do that too.

Categories: L.A. Kings News

Tags: , ,

22 replies

  1. He is the Robert Horry of hockey. Mediocre during the regular season but a beat in the playoffs.

    • What’s a Robert Horry?

      • Ha Ha! Robert Horry I know because I know fuckall about the NBA but I do remember Robert Horry.
        “what’s a Robert Horry.”
        I hate the NBA but while my father was alive I made the jesture of joining him for that time you can never get back, but are forever grateful for at Clipper games.
        I knew who Robert Horry was, not because he was a Laker or Rocket, Sun or Spur, he was just someone who benefited by being on the right team at the right time.
        Robert Horry’ claim to fame is about the same a Penner! He scored some pretty important baskets, in the NBA championships and playoffs, while being pretty much an unknown for most of the regular season.

      • He’s Kirk Gibson’s cousin.

  2. Robert Horry was by far a better basketball player than Penner is a hockey player. Horry did shine in the playoffs many times. But unlike Penner, he worked hard during the regular season too. I thought on several shifts Tuesday Penner’s effort was less than stellar.

  3. My “c’mon Penner’s” have yet to falter… The man is still an empty uniform until he proves otherwise…which I (we) know he will.

  4. Penner’s a weird ass guy. It’s good that he’s coming to life in the playoffs but lets say the Kings didn’t make it in. Lets say last season they were in 9th place 1pt behind 8th. Would fans still think he’s worth the money?

    Fuck it they’re in now and as long as he plays to his potential, God forbid if he actually tried to play any more than that, I can’t really say shit. But if he starts to pull his typical, lazy ass regular season 2 goal riding pine bullshit throw him under the bus.

  5. Really? He had his moments, but then so did Brad Richardson. For every 5 seconds of beast-mode he displayed there was 30 seconds if “get off the ice”-mode. If he can’t consistently clear the defensive zone when the puck enters his 3 foot patrol radius, then he is near worthless. The “potential” to score goals will only take you so far. Actually scoring on a somewhat consistent basis is what we need. After all, we already have Dwight King.

  6. I thought that was a damn good article

  7. I think he is like a bored smart kid in class during the regular season/ week. But, come test time/playoffs he is challenged, no longer bored, and out to prove he is a badass/smart kid.
    On the other hand, your spelling gives you away as your grandmother not being the only Canadian. I believe there is a Canadian Spellers Anonymous group. It won’t be easy, but we’ll all be here for you.

    Truly, I welcome your posts, opinions, and input. I just hope everyone judges your articles fairly. Good luck Kelsey Eyes.

  8. Kelsey, are you writing about hockey or modeling? I appreciate the new perspective, generally agree with your assessment of Penner (although I think Mik3ysfv hit the nail on the head perfectly), and loved the random Captain Planet reference (When he gets the Heart ring, does he also get a monkey to make up for the general shittiness of that ring?). However, I hope for our sake as well as your own, that the fact you are a woman who apparently models isn’t a focal point of every article. Unless those things are actually pertinent the point you are trying to make, I don’t give a fuck. Random references to nostalgic crap is fun, randomly telling us about your diet makes me feel like going back to actually working. Overall I have enjoyed your small sample size of writing, but I just hope that you keep it about hockey.

    • TK, Too bad Game one wasn’t regular season, that could have counted for two of my eight points! I wasn’t complete shock when that happened I could not believe it. Haha, I remember thinking ” Oshit TK would have loved my post later on”

      • I hope all is well with you, TK!

      • Haha, small victories right? I’d be doing better if that had been a regular season game. But at least that type of mistake we know Quick won’t make again, right…right?…right! We take one tonight and go back to LA having taken home ice advantage away.

  9. What TK said

  10. The brief mention of modeling didn’t bother me at all.

  11. bor_ing

  12. I was a Pens fan.. or at least thought of him as a player of note back when he played for the Ducks.. and as anyone who knows me knows how much I despise them.. the guy was still decent enough to catch my attention. That was who I was hoping for and excited when we first aquired him. Sadly, He has not lived up to his potential one bit. I love the guy.. he is a King.. I love them all.. each player has something that enderes them to me. But I am usually yelling at him to exert some energy.. go into the board.. how can you still be out of shape after this many games.. JHC… And yet I think he has one of the best pair of soft hands on the team.. I keep waiting for that great pass to Carts or Richie that would show his value.. alas it has not happened..
    GO KINGS GO!!!

  13. Robert Horry used to be a basketball player, and then retired to successful pursue a career in acting under the stage name Will Smith. For reals.


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