Confession of a Wayward Puck Slut

So we’ve got a new voice for you here at Surly & Scribe. She fancies herself a scribe, and she’s certainly surly, but she calls herself Kelsey Eyes. Why Eyes? You tell me.

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Nice eyes… crazy (for some reason she wouldn’t go with Crazy Kelsey), but nice. And yeah, she’s got a purty mouth, and according to her, tits, even though a picture she posted on her twitter before the first game against the Blues suggests she rather has balls:

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Ok, balls, the ability and more frighteningly, the willingness to chop yours off. But be not afraid, she is here to help, to offer you one thing that has been lacking between Scribe and myself, a lady’s touch. So let her touch you, or just touch yourselves, but whatever you do, don’t fuck with her (please fuck with her), because, according to a phrase I insisted she cut from the following article, she will “out hockey the fuck out of you.”

Preach it, sister.

We give you, Kelsey Eyes

————-

Seriously, I know what you’re thinking.

Women hockey fans; yuck.

We go to games to bang hockey players. We want to score rich husbands so we can “Pilates all day” or whatever the fuck women in Newport do. We like the hot one on the team, usually blond and inexplicably tan for a Canadian. We forget to put on pants under our jerseys. We do the Karlsson shuffle down flights of steps at Staples Centre in search of our seats in nine-inch heels. We wear rhinestone Kings mini tees and low rise jeans that reveal butterfly tattoos and loads of sexy ass crackage. We make Doughty signs involving stick puns and custom jerseys that say “Mrs. Muzzin 69”.

And we draw bears to the rink with the smell of our menstruation. We are terrible.

It hit me one day, as I sat along the glass watching the Kings play. I was yawning and asking my middle aged sugar daddy when halftime was, annoyed at my lack of cell reception and wondering if the seats in Staples would leave a grey tinge to the backseat of my favourite white jeans…. Oh wait, no I’m not that one.

Let’s pan up a level of seats and back 200 rows. Ah, yes. The girl swimming in her enormous game-worn jersey screaming at the ref’s calls and staying in her seat between periods, afraid to miss a single second of game time.

I am a classy bitch that will sit and listen to ignorant comments other lesser fans make regarding the game and I’ll smile and nod. I may consider their thoughts for a mere moment before remembering that, ah yes — I was watching recorded VHS tapes of classic Gretzky, Robitaille and Nicholls games before they stopped wetting their Underoos! I’m that neighbourhood girl getting groceries with her mom in a hockey helmet and a ballerina tutu, because I’m equal parts “What the fuck is that call, Ref?!” and “This eye-shadow is the same shade of the silver as the jerseys… Right?”

Sitting in my dinosaur footy pajamas, my chocolate mustached face glued to those old tapes, I was a sponge. I absorbed everything. The same principles that I scrapped for on the playground as a kid were the same principles my favourite Kings players fought for on the ice. No matter what your teachers or the referees said, you fought for your brothers’ honour and no fucking Time-out or Penalty Box would change that.

(Shane Doan, please disregard the uplifting message of the last paragraph; you fucking goon).

I am still that kid sitting two centimetres away from the TV screen, watching my team. This is probably why the sexual stigma placed over women, assuming they just want to sleep with the players, is so confusing to me. I am trapped at age 6, from the moment before puck drop, eyes wide, butterflies in my stomach, hoping for a win and willing to go to the mattresses for any of the LA Kings (that’s a Godfather reference, you fuckin’ pervs). The only difference now is the mustache is beer foam and not chocolate milk.

And so, let us worship together at the altar of the Los Angeles Kings. Don’t let my boobs come between us. I promise to always wear pants with my jerseys if you promise to give me eye contact when we speak. Just sit back, listen to the calming sound of my chirps and consider this typical Los Angeles model/actress your guru on all things fucking puck.

P.S. I can’t do anything about the menstruation. The bears will eventually leave the rink as long as they don’t get into the food.



Categories: L.A. Kings News

Tags: ,

51 replies

  1. I meant mules. Liquor is a cruel mistress. May your escape be. If it were not for the agoraphillia, I would buy both ya’LL many beers. While I’m sure she’s rabid, the vocabulary lacks the multisyllabic punch I have become accustomed to. What will the Hockey gods do with this, eh?

  2. Kelsy… wow.. this gave me goose bumps.. thank you fellow female lover of Hockey.. I do not have quite your potty mouth.. at least not in type..but in front of my TV.. usually have to stand ..right side 2 feet away of the 50 inch as just cannot get close enough.. I probably match you.. I started as mere child as well.. my Dad.. diehard Ranger fan.. no brother playing..but I was the child who bonded with him and his love of the game.. Thank you Forever Dad.. and today was his Birthday.. Happy Birthday Dad looking down from above ..still sharing my Devotion to the game..
    Welcome Kelsey.. I will now add you on Twitter..( ty S&S for finding a female voice that can
    REPRESENT!)
    GO KINGS GO!!!
    WWTC!!!

    • Happy Birthday to HockeyJockey’s Pa!!! Watching the Playoffs from the ice rink in the sky! Watching sports with my dad has always been a meaningful way to bond. I hope every little girl gets to learn the ways from her daddy! Let’s all raise a glass to good parents who teach their kids to always finish their checks!! Thank you for the love! And for being an awesome chick hockey fan!

    • Happy memories, Hockeyjockey!

      • I haven’t been able to watch a football game since my dad died. I could never quite get him to get into hockey, but we did bond over football, And I just can’t bring myself to watch it anymore ( Maybe because it isn’t hockey!!)

        • Thank you for that.. FootBall.. so damn slow.. and they talk a play to death.. while our lockoput was going on my Racktrack peeps got me and a girlfriend who I got turned on to Hockey into a fantasy league.. We ended up in the playoff game for bragging right.. us two first time fantasy players.. She won..and since she likes football that was fine with me..
          What I discovered is it was so easy weekly to dump and add players at will.. I had NO attachment to them whatsoever.. If it had been Hockey I would have totally sucked as I am SO Loyal.. would prob have been rooting for other people if they had any King Players..

  3. Hahaha! That was Sutting brilliant! Welcome to the club, Eyes.

    This entire piece should immediately be put in the SAS HOF!

  4. Good shit, Kelsey. I don’t really mind the bears.

  5. Nothing you said actually proves you know anything about hockey?

  6. Hehehe colour, favourite, honour… Hehe she talks funny

  7. Damn Canadians! Welcome Blue Eyes, hopefully you can pick up where these slackers left off. It sucked coming here for days even after games and having it be a morgue.

  8. Liked your article, but that doesn’t show your knowledge of the game and ability to write about it. Not suggesting you can’t only that your first original posts here will tell the tale of whether you fit the blog. Certainly your ability to discuss menstration , bears, tits, etc. certainly is a good fit with the other pervs who write so well but feel talking about dicks and exploding assholes (ok, may be they never said that) is hockey commentary. Fight the urge to discuss your ‘purty mouth’ and your scheduled monthly bleeding. Write hockey. And Surly, what exactly is a feminine point of view? Do they not watch the same games? We don’t need Heidi Andral on the blog. So strap on your cup Kelsey Eyes, no, the other one, and then explain to me why the King’s will repeat. GKG

    • Would you like to give me a chance or judge me from an introduction piece? Just you wait, Henry Higgins!

      • Menstruation to Pygmalion: you do belong on stage! It is a nice pic, tho.

        • If we are going to discuss Shaw, I would prefer immaturity. Both the novel and the writing style to which I cling.

      • I look forward to your first post. Just hope you get past the gratuitous references to body parts. I know Surly never will.

        • I don’t understand your misgivings about gratuitous body part references. Are you telling me that when you said “Bob Dylan” every third sentence all those years, you weren’t talking about blowjobs?

          • I am 41, And my dad was 75 when he died 3 years ago. Were you the Flies on the wall, watching how my father and I got along?

      • First impressions are everything, no?

  9. Does anyone know what channel the game will be televised on tomorrow (direct tv)?

    • Its Got to be FSW looking at schedule on either channels…they just gave a bunch if crap scheduled on FSW…they need to update the guide!
      GO KINGS GO!!!
      WWTC!!!

      • I hope you’re right, Jockey! On the tv schedule it shows FSW doing the pre-game show only at 10;30. CNBC is suppose to have the game. For me that’s channel 220, but the guide shows the Rangers at that time slot. I’ll be pissed if it’s not televised! Is there another CNBC channel?

    • Get past the early 7th grade behavior, Kelsey. I don’t mind immaturity for immaturity’s sake, But when it is the default, common denominator behavior, it gets kind of old. Quickly. Hang in there.

  10. I think I’m in love with Kelsy Eyes!!!!!

  11. Hahaha Doan is a fucking goon!

    No idea why the NHL thinks Doan is such an honorable captain; he’s an honorable piece of shit!

    Preach on sister!

    GO KINGS GO!!!

  12. Great! Girl power!

    Will she type up sonnets and prayers? That’s mostly why I drop by this site…….well that and mock Scribe.

  13. You guys are too funny 9 inch heels not happening Muzzin jersey maybe great article great blog …talk soon Judy

  14. If you weren’t introduced as a woman, Kelsey, and removed all references to menstruation and possession of boobs from your post I’m not sure I would be able to tell your style apart from the norm here. Here’s hoping you find the courage and/or are given the opportunity to do your own thing; it would be a shame to see you simply succumb to the exceedingly low expectations that seem to have been set for you.
    May I suggest some backreading of Ellen Etchingham’s work as a start?

    • So her style matches up well with the norm here… But low expectations have been placed on her. Nice jab at everything on the site, nice jab indeed ;)

      • Ha! A brilliant reading of my post but not the one that was intended, I assure you. I love the site for exactly the style you guys bring, I just don’t see how Kelsey lasts by simply repeating it. And yes, I’ve somehow managed to work “simply” into another reply…

  15. Shane “Doan like” her one bit.

  16. Oh shit I thought this was about how she banged every guy on the squad. :D

  17. Btw…I think it’s pretty cool that a chick actually “likes” hockey for what it is. I don’t know many that do. Most of the girls I know…well they don’t know what the hell is going on is the problem. And if you don’t what the hell is going on in hockey then it’s tough to follow.

    I’ve played hockey with some chicks that were pretty fucking good. But I’d rather be banging a figure skater even though they think they own the entire rink and put holes in the ice with their toe picks. Then this one figure skater told me that us hockey players fuck up the ice because we’re constantly stopping and starting shredding up the ice. Wtf?!?

    • We are out here… don’t let the boobs and heels fool you.. Although I think figure skaters are pretty awesome .. the few good ones.. my Passion is with Hockey!!! And since I think Women are freeer to Express their emotions…I am probably more passionate about this Sport and my Kings then a lot of You.. Do I want to bed the entire team.. no.. I LOVE them to death because of what they represent.. and I am told I all the time how can I think a missing toothed guy is sexy.. well Hockey makes them that way…just trying to set the record straight here..
      Kelsey( sorry I mispelled yesterday) will do just fine.. she gets it..
      So let’s move on…
      We have a game to win tonight.. I hope our Boys watched some video.. Quick is done beating himslef up .. .. Sutter gets the lines back the way they should be..and we remember our #1 Weapon.. our Forecheck!
      GO KINGS GO!!!
      WWTC!!!

  18. Good for you, sweetheart. I love a woman with an opinion. Speak your mind.

    If I end up falling in love,, this better not be you, Surly and Scribe!!

  19. Love this!! It’s always awesome to see a girl representing. However, years of dealing with puck sluts at games and on social media have taken a toll on me, so I can no longer take certain female hockey fans seriously. You know…the typical rabid, good looking, über potty mouthed blonde girls that frequent the lower lever of Staples. It all just seems so fake and rehearsed. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being a bitch. Whatever. All I’m saying is I actually play hockey, go to games, drink beer and cheer my ass off…but I do so without the need to show off the fact that I have boobs, and while I do believe Jon Bernier is one hot piece of…yeah, I don’t broadcast that to anyone but myself. I’d say about 65% of the Kings female fanbase is like me, normal women of average appearance who aren’t models/actresses that genuinely love the sport. We don’t need push up bras, butt pads, super tight clothes, pounds of makeup or expensive merchandise to attend the games. We’re there to watch some good fucking hockey, not to prove anything or impress anyone. Amen. Keep it classy, sweety.

    • Lower *levels of Staples, dammit!

    • It is hard to look hot when you are wear a Men’s Hockey Jersey.. :)
      and I will not buy a Women’s version.. I want mine to be authentic…And that is not the reason I am going to a game..
      GO KINGS GO!!!
      WWTC!!!

  20. Where have you been my whole life Kelsey? I can die now knowing that you really did exist. GKG!

  21. Can we make the deal where you don’t have to wear pants with your jersey and I can stare at your boobs?

  22. Kelsey… just saw tweet on FrankinKopi and Children’s Books.
    If you are serious and are thinking about writing one, my brother is a Literary Agent for children’s books. I will hook you up.You never know.
    GO KINGS GO!!!
    WWTC!!!

    • That would be a fun one to write for sure!! I think FrankenKopi could have some pretty sweet hockey adventures teaching kids to be brave and after 20 games of no goals keep trying! Plus a cartoon image of a little Frankenstein in hockey gear cracks me up

      • Go for it!
        My bro is a tough critic, but he would get it done if he thinks it will sell.
        He also is hooked up with illustrators, unless we have some artists out here that would like to collaberate with you.
        He has been an agent for 30 years..does know the business.
        GO KINGS GO!!!
        WWTC!!!

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