Here Ye, Here Ye: Ye Olde Western Conference Semi-finals

Second Game of Thrones v. Thorntons

By Kelsey Eyes

Thursday morning dawned with the amber glow of spilt King’s blood. The townspeople took to the streets, pitchforks and torches mightily in hand, to claim justice and vengeance as their own. No evening post had been delivered detailing what the fates had dealt our befallen warrior, and the silence on that account filled every marching step with brisk anticipation and purpose. Come noon, the bugles sounded and it was decreed that Raffi Torres would not hunt heads in the forests of the Kings again until the crisp autumn leaves had fallen. Great rejoicing and merriment filled the Kings’ village. But to find another, brave and true who could fill Stoll’s faceoff fortitude would prove a difficult task.

The rosy slumber of happy tidings was slapped from our faces, as the puck was dropped and Quick was immediately challenged with four shots on goal (three of which had the beguiling face of a maiden). But, as ever, he held our fortress. The smell of snake oil and black magic (“Ye Olde Axe Potion”) from the cavernous mines of Burnzie filled the nostrils of the Brotherhood. Sir Jeffrey Carter prepared his steed, galloping down the right wing, with King stalling an oncoming lance; he quickly fired a shot down low into the underbelly of the dragonbeast Niemi and scored the first goal.

Two young soliders, dewy cheeks radiating the naiveté of boyhood, let their wits get the better of them: Nolan slashing and Martinez holding, and headed off to the shackles. Prudence is needed, Master Nolan, lest thee is in hopes of collecting a three game streak of slashes. Indeed, with rookie Muzzin feeling the pressure and Martinez receiving two penalties (and being present for all three Shark goals), the burden fell to the veteran to lead the battle. And in the second period, the fates found a bearded Penner digging the puck out to Richardson whose stunning pass through the air to Doughty allowed him to score into the upper left corner from 40 feet.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most hideous NHL player of them all?” With speed through the neutral zone, Logan Couture passed to Thornton and the goal was tipped in by Marleau at the top of the crease. The opposing army had studied us, learned our weakness and become stronger. Instead of charging Quick like wild hogs, they created more traffic around the net, taking away Quick’s sight and movement. The next goal by Stuart from Gomez followed this bubbling potion’s formula precisely and tied the game with several players in front of Quick’s eye line.

To tie the game is such sweet sorrow, but to see Anze Kopitar lying face first on the ice is the most venomous of agonies. In the 9 minute absence of our hero, the winds of defeat began to blow across the napes of our necks. Gomez gained his stride, moving quickly through the zone and Vlasic tipped one in. We had fallen to one knee on the battlefield, hand placed gallantly on our bleeding chest. But our beloved Kopitar appeared to us, and the armies rose to their feet in unison to honour such valour and heroism. The young Toffoli raised Kopitar’s shield, with 5 shots on goal, an assist on the game winning goal, and being the victim of a tripping penalty for Stuart that created immense momentum.

With Shepperd and Stuart in shackles for various debaucheries, at 18:17 in the 3rd, our fearless toothless Captain Brown scored on a shot by Richards to again tie the game. Still on the man advantage, Lewis scored from Toffoli with 1:21 left..  And the Kings are victorious for 12 straight games in their kingdom!! Peace, joyous tidings and sound slumber amongst the townspeople, and garland strands of lilies tied ‘round the necks of our returning warriors.

We ask the Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, to let us look into the next few games.  “Moving into the next (2) games, you shall see more of young Toffoli: his relaxed attitude, hard and quick release, arrival at the right time/right place, and his spectacular angle shot. The next games will see an improvement on turnovers, defensive coverage in the Kings zone, and the elusive riddle of the Kings faceoff will be solved. No longer will San Jose win 68% of the draws. No longer will you struggle through 8 different players in the faceoff and not fare better than Fraser’s 3/5. You will also sustain pressure around Niemi, just as the Sharks have against Quick. Also, feed this poison apple to that horse over there, and you shall sweep this series.”

“But Mirror, that isn’t a horse, that’s Logan Couture.”


Sleep well, my Princes of Montebello, my Kings of Newport Beach. The Kingdom is safe again, and soon we shall taste the spoils of victory.

Categories: L.A. Kings News

14 replies

  1. Ye speak to my heart, fair wench. I still don’t know how to express my feelings in anything other than gutteral slurs.

  2. That was one of the best articles to be featured on this site in the last six months. Keep up the good work.

  3. That was awesome, very well done, I will say though “Great rejoicing and merriment filled the Kings’ village.” is hyperbole. The only reason anyone gives a fuck that Torres isn’t playing for the rest of the series is that means he can’t injure any of our other players. However to quote Kopi, “FUCK YOU RAFFI WE CAN HURT OUR OWN” WHAT A FUCKING GAME!!!!!!!!!! We clearly miss Stoll in the faceoff, and had some major miscues in allowing traffic in front of Quick, but when we needed to we fucking took care of business. 6 down, 10 to go! GKG!!!!!!!!!!

  4. That was great! I may just read this to my kiddos at work today……if my voice holds up. Wow.
    What a game! GO KINGS GO!!

  5. My couch got a pounding last night…

  6. TMFT! Do you think Brad Stuart is going to see Tyler Toffoli in his nightmares for weeks to come. He got burned by Toffoli twice in 55 seconds and they both directly led to goals.

    Toffoli is making someone expendable next year. Not sure who, but this kid is proving quickly that there is no level that he can’t play at. I wish I knew what his long-term # is going to be so I can go buy one of those jerseys. Then again, Nolan and King don’t seem to be in a hurry to switch. Maybe Penner should ask for 72, 75 or 76? :)

    • Toffoli will take Penner’s roster spot, with all the RFA’s and UFA’s we need to sign Penner won’t be brought back.

      • We will resign Penner. But to a post-season only contract, since that is the only time he actually plays anyway.

  7. Ha! Ha! Very jolly jesting indeed!

  8. Nice Job Kelsey!
    You do have the story telling touch.
    Hope you do the Frankin Kopi book…my offer stands.
    Our Boys are just the Best!!!
    We are indeed privileged Fans.
    Toffoli…just makes me smile :)
    Good thoughts to Cliffy and Stollie..miss them both!
    GO KINGS GO!!!

  9. Nicely done Eyes….you show a real talent for writing. Not sure that if I hadn’t seen the game if I would have gleaned the info I would want…but so what…that’s why there are newspapers. At least I think they still have newspapers. Also impressive is the speed with which you turned this out. It’s not as if you could have written it in advance.


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