What the fuck could you be doing that is more important than attending a free hockey game behind enemy lines? 

The wife or girlfriend (or wife and girlfriend) can do without you for a few hours.

You don’t feel well, crazy bug, came out of nowhere, cannot work that shift on Saturday. Expect it to be gone by 9pm or so. Tell your boss. He or she will appreciate your honesty.

“The drive…waaaaah. It’s in Orange County…waaaaaah. My vagina hurts…waaaaaah.” Is that you? Fuck you, stop being you.

“I have a meeting.” What? A meeting? With who? Assad about peace talks in Syria? He isn’t in charge of all this and he is not refusing to talk. The Russians have his cooperation. It’s the branches of the Syrian opposition that won’t come to the table with Assad present. Get it? Assad has more enemies inside Syria than he does outside. You don’t know enough about world affairs to have that meeting and, if you do, you may fuck it up and World War III could break out. You want that on your conscience? 

The Kings rookies are playing the Ducks rookies. 

The game is at 6pm.

Doors open at 5pm.

Wear your L.A. Kings jersey.

Bring your scowl.

Chirp opposing fans…and/or listen to me chirp the imps.

You want to see Vey-Toffoli-Pearson and Andreoff, Kozun and Czarnik…and Deslauriers. And Weal.

And that beautiful face of Darryl Sutter…or is it Morris coaching? You won’t know for sure until you show up so don’t be a pussy…or be a pussy and still show up. That way, you’ll fit nicely among Ducks fans.

Season is right around the corner, boys and girls.