I Want To Like Hockeyfest
I want to. I do.
But I just don’t.
I went to hockeyfest a time or two about 4 or 5 years ago and it was markedly forgettable. Had I a few little mini-Surly parasites with me, I suppose it might be a fun time for them. But on my own, at what I consider the crack of dawn for a Sunday, I just don’t see the appeal.
Maybe some of you can tell me why you had fun.
What did they even do this year? There is always a Q&A, which would be the only thing to hold my interest, but not for much longer than I would hold in a fart on a date. So, between 3 and 6 minutes, just long enough for her to say something I’d find less interesting than the sound of my own gaseousness, or for a King player/personnel to say something rehearsed we’ve all heard a hundred times before.
But aside from that, what is there? The same, tired “shoot a puck at a cardboard goalie” routine? A radio booth? Play the new EA NHL game in 105 degree heat? Buy more merchandise?
No. Sorry. Don’t care.
But I’m not here to complain. I’m here to help. So I’ve come up with some ways to make hockeyfest appealing.
- Darryl Sutter dunk tank. This isn’t your traditional dunk tank with a ball and a target. It’s actually just an extension of the Q&A. Everyone gets a turn to ask Sutter a single sentence question related to the Kings. If you evoke an answer that includes any reference to either wrangling or milking cattle, Darryl gets dunked into a kiddie pool full of manure.
- The Media dunk tank. Very similar to the Sutter dunk tank, only on this one members of the media rotate through sitting on the board and have one chance to ask Sutter a question about the team. If Sutter mocks the question, the reporter is dunked.
- The Matt Greene Shot Clock. No, this has nothing to do with that game involving the hoops. Here, Kings fans get to play a drinking game with Matt Greene. Simple really, who can take more Jaeger shots in 60 seconds. Since he’s a fair dude, Matt will take the shots upside down with a bleeding from the head. Any fan who wins get a free pair of season tickets. No fan will win.
- Mike Richards kissing booth. This is for the ladies, but not having a looked a woman in the eye since his 3rd grade teacher isn’t smacked him for staring at her tits, Mike Richards has agreed to this of the condition that all participants go in topless.
- Jeff Carter’s Gel-A-Thon. Another one mostly for the ladies. Kings fans line up for the opportunity to style Jeff Carter’s hair. Anyone who gives him a mohawk has to take a turn sitting on the manure dunk tank.
- Cancel-A-King Raffle. Tickets cost $20. The winner gets a good-for-one-use-only voucher entitling its holder the ability scratch Dan Carcillo at the last minute from the line-up of a game of his or her choosing. In the event Carcillo gets himself a lengthy suspension at any point of the season, the voucher is transferable to Colin Fraser, Dwight King or Kyle Clifford. However these usages come with caveats. If you use it on Fraser, you will be required to escort Colin to the next Nickelback concert. If used on King, he will show up to your child’s next birthday party in a clown costume and if used on Clifford, Kyle will be given your home address.
- Fantasy Fist Fight Hockey. This is just like your normal fantasy hockey league, but it’s all crammed into a 2-hour period. Entry fee is $50, which buys you a place at the draft table, a six pack of beer and two cold compresses. You draft your team, are matched up against another Kings fan and then instead of playing games, you just beat the shit out each other. No one wins either. Except for me. I don’t do fantasy hockey. This activity is just so I can drink and watch people hit each other. You know, to most closely resemble the real hockey season.
- Season Ticket Sound-off. This is actually a series of fun events focused on community building. Every year we have new people become season ticket holders, and we want to make them feel welcome. A faux section of Staples is built, and we season ticket veterans sign up to sit down and go through the motions of properly attending a Kings game. This way we can show the newbies the ropes so that come opening night, they fit right in. Lessons and activities include “Get to know your usher”, “How to properly deride opposing team fans in your section”, “When to ignore Bailey” and “Beer Etiquette”, with special sub-section – “How to know when it’s time to buy Surly a beer.” When the newbies have passed the first courses, they will move on to the more advanced stages: “Getting the fuck out of the aisle”, “How to curse in front of children without damaging your reputation” and my personal favorite “How to talk about rookies without sounding like a moron.” If this program is a success, I will also offer a bonus class, “How to sing along to a Davis Gaines anthem and why it’s better than Pia Toscano.”
Now we can’t do everything we want. Hockeyfest is just one day and space is limited, so some programs will have to be saved for another year, such as “Drew Doughty’s STD Screening Booth”, the scheduled performance by the Screaming Beer Bellies, the “100s vs 300s No Socks Allowed Luncheon” and sadly it turns out “Water board a Duck Fan” didn’t get approved by the council, since Bobby still needs to show his face in the land of beige, Orange County that he and other displaced Kings fans call home.
With a little bit of support I think we can make next year’s Hockeyfest an event we all want to attend.